Shadow's Essays

"Words are loaded pistols."Jean Paul Sartre ~ "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Anais Nin

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Location: San Jose, Ca, United States

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Giving it Up

Essays on a Life of P.E.
by shadow

I thought a long time ago that I knew about slavery- about giving up my choices to my partner, about making commitments to let someone else be in charge.
I was sure I had it all covered.

First, I gave up my rights to make my own general choices in scene.

Then I gave up my safeword in play.

Then I gave up my control over my body 24/7.

Then I gave up my control over all my personal information including finances of my family, access to our lives, and everything from home ownership to taxes.

THEN we negotiated a contract, and I thought I had given up everything else.

Sure.... Piece of cake huh?

Well, yeah, there were those moments when I would rebel, when I would feel anger and not sublimate it properly or when I forgot how to respond and had to take some time, get my shit together, and apologize.

Sure, there were days when I was irritated as all hell that He would make a decision and I was neither privy to what the final decision was nor even why it was made or what was considered when it was made.

Yes, I sometimes bridled under the feeling that there were frustrations (try walking through a whole mall and NOT being allowed to even fucking slow down and LOOK!), but after a little time and energy, a little reflection, and a lot of patience, I was comfortable with all of it.

I was only looking at the tip of the iceberg.

There were other things I still had not given up, nor even acknowledged that I had to give over. I didn't know that until they became crisis issues and Master did not see them until they came tumbling into our lives. They were not THERE to see.

I had someone from my past, someone I used to love well, lie about me out of malice and retribution. It was done in a mean way, and it was done by violating the confidentiality of not just myself, but of everyone attending an event. It was a nasty evil little piece of work that arrived in my mail box after a long weekend.

My first thought, on reading the thing, was to consider exploding. That passed almost immediately though. I have learned, through years of being Master's, that I really do NOT have to either acknowledge nor reply to every sling and arrow tossed at me. I have the luxury of knowing I am secure, that He is in charge, and that I do not have to jump just because someone else yells "jump", so within a short time, I was calm and rational. Over the course of several days, I was happy and pretty much ignored the storm raging about this issue. I wasn't reading any more mail and He and others that I trusted were handling the entire ugly incident. but something gnawed at me, popping up when I least expected to think about the issue.

I felt the need, with permission, to consult a kink attorney, as some of the issues surrounding outing private information had bothered me. They actually ate at me. Knowing that I had been, as the attorney put it, "slandered with malice" and lied about was digging into me.

You see, my "pride" was hurt. Someone had said something about me, and while the entire issue was resolved, my pride wanted to be satisfied. I wanted to stand up and confront the person just to make sure they understood that they had not made any "points" nor hurt me, and to correct any mistaken points.

I wanted, even needed, to handle some of it. I wanted my pride to be fed. I needed to protect some inner part of me that handles assaults (as I thought) poorly. I was still hiding myself and my control behind the wall with the big red P written on it. I didn't want to give up taking some role in my own defense.

Foolish, no?

Well, not really. I had, up until that moment in time, NO history of anyone other than myself ever standing up in public, out loud, and renouncing anyone, anywhere, on my behalf. I had always had to do that myself and after 4 decades of being in charge of protecting my pride, I had the knee jerk reaction. Yes, Master could handle the nuts and bolts. Yes, He and others would correct the mis-statements and stop the actions of others... but I still needed something... call it satisfaction. Call it revenge. Call it clearing the air.

While I was struggling in my head (fantasizing?) with what I should or shouldn't do about making my pride feel better, my Master was doing what those who are intuitive, patient, and smart have done from time immemorial for those they own and control. He was handling it ALL. He was reading all the posts between the original party and the others that the writer had spread the lies to. He was listening to all the noise, speaking with the principals, and sorting through all the chaff and the BS to not only correct the facts, but to understand and consider how I would FEEL about all of it. Without me there to make any kind of "stance" or request, he had the space to take total charge of my innards.

He took the time to really think about my ego, and to hold my pride to the same respect that He would hold my family or my skin. He handled the *entire* situation, not just the stuff that was surface apparent.

After a week or so, He wrote me an e-mail with His final reply, wrapping up all the lose ends including the thing that had gnawed at me, the part that I felt I *had* to handle myself.

It was a lightning strike to me. He did what no one else ever- EVER- had done in my life. He stood up and handled my hearts hidden things.

I expected the entire situation to be deftly corrected, quietly fixed, but often in the larger world, those "social" fixes carry niceties that gloss over a lot of deliberate cuts, ignore some very nasty bits of truth, and clear the air at the expense of some ground given, just for the sake of peace.

I had always fought against those fixes, keeping a part of me behind a large high wall of pride and concern where I felt only I could defend myself. I have a strong sense of social justice and fair play that most people do not have the stomach to confront. I tilt at windmills for the sake of tilting.

Even with all those "givens", all those hours of play, all those nights of crying at His feet knowing that I would cut off my arm on His whim, I had none the less held back unwittingly something vital and important and BIG in my emotional actions. I had not done so deliberately. I didn't even understand the workings of this part of my emotional makeup. I knew I HAD pride, but did not know how to give it to someone else.

I would never have even known I had done this and He might never have seen it, had I taken ANY kind of an active role in the whole mess. Even the act of making a decision would have been based on how my ego and my pride needed to be assuaged.

ANY input would have slanted the process. Researchers learn one of the most fundamental truths of observation is that once an observer moves close enough to observe, that observer influences the thing he wants to watch. I learned that even my being in the room while Master and others made contact might have changed the way it was handled and might have kept Master from truly feeling empowered to take charge of not only the obvious lies and untruths about me and my actions, but from taking on the added charge of protecting my pride.

I realized all this in one single flash of insight upon reading His final input. I realized, in that instant, something that is not always hammered home to those in the Power Exchange(PE).

We on each side of the PE are not only there because we want to be, but we are there at the pleasure of the other. A Dominant that does not take charge keeps a submissive from having the ability to give up power. A submissive that keeps control, even inadvertently, does not give the Dominant the space to take up that power. The door to my submission is the path to His dominance. That exchange does not and CANNOT happen with the simplicity of a contract, the logic of a checklist, or the abstract knowledge that one side WANTS to give and the other wants to take.

We are complex creatures, and the things we hide in our hearts are often not known to anyone, even ourselves. Sometimes, it takes a painful incident to bring us to a better understanding of ourselves, and a deeper level of our PE. We need to be educated about our own psychology and have a basic working knowledge of what we create in our own defense.

Sometimes, a Dominant has issues about being in charge of a situation, unaware that the struggle is not within the relationship, but within the submissive, learning how to dig deeper into the things hidden not from a partner, but from themselves. Sometimes, we have no idea what we still have inside to give up.

copyright August 2007 by shadow, all rights reserved. This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it’s entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

#26. Baby Step

Essays on a life of P.E.
November 6, 2005
by shadow

You are kinky. You have figured this out by now, haven't you?
You wander web pages, fantasizing about having THAT life.
You have gone shopping, discreetly, looking at new fetish clothes, picking up the occasional "toy", imagining that moment when you find a partner and get to play.
You got yourself an anonymous e-mail address that cannot be traced back to you or your house.
You have hidden your kink from your family.
You have lied to a few people about what web page you were viewing (and worked hard to find out how to erase a history file).
You have some books about fantasy sex, and no matter how many times you have told yourself that you just need to find a partner and slip off someplace quiet to live them out, you keep coming back to that 'page' on the web.

The munch page.

That list of places within your driving range where the happy kinky people gather to laugh and share and "interact".
You are sure that they are much hipper than you.
Much more in control.
They all have a LOT of experience, and they will all be dressed like that movie you saw.
Your boss will walk in, recognize both you and the situation instantly, and fire you the next morning.
Your life will be in shattered pieces if you go and meet those happy people, won't it?

Probably not.

MOST munches are held in public well lit family restaurants for a variety of reasons, the most important one being that they are the most prevalent places we can find.
It's hard to find a public meeting place for free, and restaurants are good venues.
Most of us try to find a place where they have a private room, or at least a private area where our conversations won't be easily overheard, and where we can all sit and laugh and talk without fear of our neighbors arriving or being seen by our cousin.
Sometimes, if the area is REALLY small, or we have a very careful group, someone will even have a "pre-meeting" with a stranger before we tell them where we are meeting.
It makes everyone feel protected a bit more, and gives us a little bit MORE privacy and security.
Some munches are held in other locations, just because that was what we found.
Bars, pizza parlors, bowling alleys all come to mind.

Yes, there are munches held in private houses, but they are almost never advertised on the open web, to protect the house resident from the prying eyes of strangers as well as to protect anyone who comes to that house to meet and greet.

There *is* however, a big difference between careful security and paranoid isolation, between the thousands of groups that have some rules and some guidelines to keep each other safe and protect everyone's privacy, and those that are using "screening" and "security" to meet new gullible strangers in dangerous out of the way places.

So a public restaurant is usually the best place to hold these little get togethers, for both parties sake.

So you have this safe public location, a good excuse to be there (FOOD!), and some free time to slip away from your real life and go check this out, have you?

She has always had my deepest respect.

ALL of us had to "come out" somewhere, sometime...
and we all remember that first time going out to meet a stranger in the scene, sitting in a restaurant wondering if we were going to HATE this, thinking that we really should have gone home.

In the smaller communities across America, having the options of sitting outside a brightly lit little place and watching 20-30 people interact before we go in and become slightly invisible is not an option, for there just aren't that many kinksters around.
Most small towns have little privacy, and VERY few options for a person if they lose a job or get seen someplace "questionable" by their church deacon, the PTA Mom with the big mouth, or their newspaper delivery boy.

We understand that.

In larger cities, you can often attend the munch "from a distance" if you are shy, sitting outside in your car and watching through the windows, having a cup of coffee at the counter as you eye that door in the back and the people walking inside it (some of whom seem to be dressed *very* differently from your next door neighbors).

Maybe you have had to skip out of work fast at quitting time and race across the valley in rush hour traffic to get here, and you are so keyed up that you can't imagine being comfortable meeting "THEM" just yet.

In a smaller town where they have asked you to come meet someone before they reveal their munch place, it might be different. Getting up some Saturday morning, getting dressed to run a huge list of errands, and going down to Denny's (or where ever) to have a cup of coffee with a stranger and say hello, size them up, and make just enough "contact" to give yourself an option is not that hard.
It's terrifying.
It's one of the most difficult moments someone outside mainstream sexual America will ever face.

We know that. Those of us in the scene that meet newbies, that mentor shy folks, that educate and write and lecture understand that better than you will ever know.
The great majority of us out here working to bring other lonely kinky desperate strangers into the fold know that feeling.
We promise to be kind.
We promise to be discreet.
We promise to take your special needs into consideration and give you all the room you need, while giving ourselves a chance to look at you, make sure that you are over 21, protect our little groups from looky loos and weekend warriors, give you a chance to take a "baby step" with just one other person around, and we all keep each other safe and relatively insulated from the pitfalls of this life.

MOST munches are hosted by someone that is outgoing, that loves to have friends around, and that understand outreach.
Most of the people you are going to run across at a munch are going to be there because they like to see their friends, and they know that new people will be attending from time to time.

There are, however, the occasional closed group that feels "cliquish" and withdrawn, the scattered event that doesn't have a welcome sign out. Please do not let that discourage you. If you happen to run across such a group, please persevere and find another. Yes, that group might be the only one you know of NOW-- but there are others out there if you keep looking. There are people on the net to point you in the right direction. There are people on the net that do not want to control you, lie to you, fake you out, run over you or put you in your place. There are people just like you that are comfortable now with their kink lives, who feel a great joy in the service of reaching out and lending a helping hand.

It is OK to be fearful, nervous, unsure, and timid.
It is OK to sit at the back of the room and wait, watching the others.
It is OK to come up with every horrible scenario out there and have those fears keep you double guessing yourself- for a while.
Then you will pick out the most carefully chosen outfit of your entire life, and get dressed, and travel across town or across the state or across the street to meet some strangers, and you will be afraid. You will be sure you will make an idiot of yourself, or you will be confidant that they will not like you. You will have reservations, no matter what your station in life, and this will be hard, but it will be worth it.

i should know. i am the author of "How to Host a Munch" and "The History of the Munch", and once spent a year staring at a munch announcement that i hung on my dresser mirror, working up the courage to attend it.

Your life is waiting-- please join us.

copyright 11-7-2005 by shadow, all rights reserved.
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

Monday, December 18, 2006

# 8.
Clothing Optional

Essays on a life of P.E.
August 1, 2005
by shadow

Being new or fresh into town, BDSM play conjours up lots of fantasy ideals about what people wear when they meet for kinky sex.

Most of those fantasy writings are pure b.s. made up by folks that have never set foot outside of their computer room, many of whom do not even believe that there IS a real BDSM subculture in the world.

Meeting people, and being out in the public scene is very exciting, full of fun and laughter and sharing. Keeping in mind that this is NOT an Anne Rice novel and that you are trying to find real relationships and not kink fantasy should be high on your list of priorities.

The kind of venue you attend, and the event, will often dictate how you should look. First and foremost however, is that you start out with a clean, shaved, well groomed YOU. Wash your hair and clean under your nails, make sure that your teeth are brushed and your breath is nice. The friends you will make are just like anyone else in the world- they remember your first impression.

Unless you are attending an actual private party or dungeon, your attire should be clean, normal, vanilla casual wear for most meetings. Most munches are held in public restaurants with other patrons, and few people in the scene want to draw attention to themselves or create issues for their restaurant hosts. Dressing in clean jeans, pressed shirts, and walking shoes is always a good choice. While flamboyant, outre, devil may care dress may be your personal style, and *you* may have no reason to care who knows about you or your life, the other people at a munch or class might have a different view. Dressing to fit in rather than stand out while you make new friends will help.

Classes are another place where more restrained attire is a good idea in the beginning. Some classes are held in public dungeons, some in rented classrooms, some in private homes or even in hotels. Until you know the location and what is acceptable, lean towards the more restrained items in your wardrobe, thinking more of what you would wear to dinner with friends or dressing for a casual job interview. Cut offs, torn pants, trendy shredded things might be great with the gang, but are probably not the best choice for a first visit to a new venue.

Some classes, such as those about protocols, ethics, or legal rights, tend to be populated by more people that have more clothing. Hands on classes such as rope knots, flogging, or group demos tend to be a bit more casual, especially if advertised as workshops in private locations where the class members can shed some clothes to facilitate learning (fisting class would be a great example).

So. You think that now you have mingled a bit, met a few folks, and had a meal or 2 and it's time to head down to that public dungeon.

Now what do you wear?

Well, unless you have already spoken to a lot of people and feel really confident, try the classics. Black shirt and black pants with black shoes for males, simple nice evening wear for women. You are probably not planning on a play date that first time, and so dressing comfortably but with some care and that aura that says "tonight is special" sends out great vibes and makes it easy for others to strike up a conversation. Sandals, cut offs and T shirts should be left at home- you want to dress to impress. Use lightly scented personal hygiene items sparingly- you will be indoors and possibly in a location where there is little fresh air.

No one expects new members to show up in fetish wear, low cut blouses, lacy sleeves and a fedora sporting a shoulder full of floggers and a rash attitude. No one expects a new person (or anyone else for that matter) to come dressed in *any* particular fashion or with any intent. Those that put pressure on new folks to "get naked" at a dungeon right away are NOT the norm.

Dress sexy. Dress nice. Dress respectfully as if you were visiting old friends rather than a place where you might see nudity and sex. Keep jangly jewelry and noisy accessories to a minimum. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the night without adding to your worries with clothing that does not reflect "you".

Men have it easy in the scene. Black on Black on Black with a touch of black sox and they are fairly well *done*. But for us ladies, fetish wear and is often part of our play. It makes us feel vibrant and slim, sleek and pretty, helps us step out of "ourselves" and become that woman we want to be. Fetish wear however, does not come cheap. The average corset can easily cost $200.00, and some of the better leather ones run to $500.00. Nylons get torn, shoes need to match the nights outfit (and those heels!), and we like to have different outfits for different days and moods. You do not, however, have to spend an arm and a leg to be dressed to play.
Lots of ladies are on a budget. Shopping for fun things can run the gammut from sales at Mervyns to discount Wednesday at Good Will (which is a GREAT place to shop for tear away/knife play clothing!). Sexy night gowns are marvelous to wear before play, and if you have any flair for style simple bolts of yardage can be turned into fantasy gowns. Yes, there are lots of lovely and exspensive things to buy, from Ren Fair costumes to push up bras, but you don't have to spend a fortune.

Don't forget, once you get to playtime at a party, clothing is optional!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

# 45. The Fear and Humiliation of Fine Diamonds.

Essays on a life of P.E.

by Strong Eagle's shadow

Within the BDSM scene, the sexual give and take of play is as much about everyone getting what they need as it is doing things that are verboten.
Most of the people in the scene have considered the situation and realize that no one stays in a relationship if they are not getting what they want (those kinds of relationships are called "abusive"). While 2 people might negotiate to do things that one of them hates-- there are underlying motivations for that person that make tolerating that scene or implement of worth and value to them in other ways rather than just liking the *sensation*.
Getting set up to play and doing all the things in our heads that have been off limits, or were "sick" or "wrong" in our minds is also part of what we do. An Example of this is that there are very few places in vanilla society where public nudity and sexual expression in public are not only allowed, but encouraged.

In order to do this with someone else requires both parties to expose some of their kinks. While the bottom might have to admit that they really WANT a spanking, the top is admitting that they love GIVING spankings, even if they say nothing. The "service top" attitude ("I hate doing this, but I will because this person asked me to") does sometimes come into play, but not for long. If the service top is not getting *something* out of doing that for others, they will stop. They will find a different way to play so that they ARE getting gratification, or they will leave the scene. Other than those folks however, everyone playing is admitting that they like- to one degree or another- what they are doing.

Admitting what we like to others is TOUGH.
It is the hardest part of negotiating with many people, as they either don't know at all what they really want to have, or they have so many emotional blocks and social phobias about speaking out loud that it often takes a while.
We sometimes have to work around their fears, or find indirect ways to get our partner to tell us what they want, no matter if they are a bottom or a new Top to the scene.

Very few people, especially new submissives of either gender, want to tell a practical stranger that they want to get reamed up the ass with the bad end of a baseball bat, that they need to crawl on the floor and beg to be forgiven while licking boots, or that they find the only way to feel sexual excitement is with extreme pain applied to some point of their body.
Very few new Tops are comfortable accepting their sadisim, telling people that they want to hurt them (give them sensations that will not be pleasant), or humiliate them. For Toppish persons the stigmas surrounding kink play are just as intimidating. Few people want to tell someone that they LIKE being a "bad person" in societies eyes.

But in order for negotiations to begin, they often do have to communicate just that. The fear and humiliation of being looked at by a play partner *in scene* the same way they know others in vanilla land would look at them (and often, the way the think of themselves at times), will keep them from exposing those peculiarities easily. They might want to dissemble, dance around the issue, or just not actually use the words that best describe what they want to do with you.

In any other place or situation, telling someone what you wanted would be easy. There really isn't any fear or humiliation surrounding the concept of telling someone you want a diamond necklace. Telling that same person- someone that you have found attractive enough in some way to want to play with- that you want them to do something with you or to you that is wrong, painful, dangerous, or embarassing is the problem.

So how do you do that?

Well first off, remember that the longer you take to get to know the scene, your potential partner, and what your community considers normal, the easier it will be for you to verbalize those lovely secret desires in your head. If at all possible, take time to get to be friends with that first play partner, dom or sub. Spend time on the phone just talking about *everything*, including pets, food, cars, movies, and a host of things. It will give you more of a starting place with that person, and if you are lucky, you will already BE in a real relationship before you have to admit the heavy stuff you are nervous about.

The scene however, revolves around casual play, light play, first time play, and play with people who are not going to want or need 'relationships" with everyone. That requires a different set of negotiation skills. Being able to watch a partner play in public- and getting an idea of what they like and are capable of- helps a lot. Public play, even hanging around the public dungeon quietly like a wall flower a few times- gives you the chance to see people, and see if what you have in *your* heart is something that some person is already doing in public. Then you can ask them- when they are not involved in a scene or after care- if they might be interested in doing that with *you*. Things in your head and your heart that you find embarrassing, deeply personal, or humiliating, are often easily transmuted into exciting possibilities once you SEE others DOING them and get to watch the public response.

Standing back in a dungeon and being unable to tear your eyes away from a scene where a woman ties up a mans genitals and then nails them to a board might make you hot- but if you were not there in person, you would not get to judge how OTHERS are reacting. Often, what you will find is that the scenes that you find the most intimate and difficult to express interest in are the ones that many people mingling in the dungeon notice, comment on, but do not "dwell" on for long.

There are very few things in a public dungeon that make everyone stop and stare. There are *very* few things in your own heart that have not been said out loud to most everyone in whatever kink community you manage to find in real time.

As a top working to help that new partner express their desires, you probably know lots of negotiation skills. Some allow their new partners to dig through their toy bags and pull out the things they are interested in trying. The new bottom doesn't have to verbalize their wants, and they can start with things that are the least fearful to them.

Some want to spend 1-2 hours watching the play with a new partner at their side, asking them to point to things they find interesting, and to quietly comment to them about what they are thinking as they watch the play.

Some like to take one toy and work from mild to whatever level their new partner feels is "enough". Some actually enjoy sitting a new person down and making him squirm while having to deliberately speak the things he most fears.

Experienced bottoms working with new Tops can offer what they WANT to have done, show off the toys they themselves own, and be willing to play unrestrained so that they can move and comment on their partners skill set.

What can help for both parties is to remember that here, on the other side of the mirror, we value different things. A man that wants to be led on a leash is valued. A Dominant that wants to make you cry is rare. A woman that wants to be whipped is desired. A man that likes to serve and be humiliated is cherished. A woman that fears losing control and the loses just that- losing all bodily control while in the throes of a scene- is more valuable than diamonds.

Consider what YOU want in your heart to be of more value to a kinky play partner than jewels, and you will find less fear or humiliation surrounding asking for fine diamonds yourself.

copyright 11-12-2006 by shadow, all rights reserved.
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

# 43

The Umpire in a Corset
Safewords, and their many uses

Essays on a life of P.E.

by shadow

New or old, being into BDSM ("kink") means that you might be doing things with a partner that can be more than you can handle, scary, edgy, dangerous, or just flat out wild.
There are so many things a new person learns coming in from the Anne Rice Novels and too many adult videos that are not part of the fiction.
These things are not "romantic" or "spontaneous".
Some of them seem to contradict the notion of Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive.

Nothing more exemplifies that issue than the discussions around "safe words".
Go into any chat room in America and if you utter those two words, the "twoolu dommly dommes" will scream that THEIR slaves HAVE NO SAFEWORD.

They might go on for days about how disgusting that is for someone to allow their partner control in a power exchange by allowing them to control the scene with safe words.

Some "slaves" (and bottoms, and middles, and switches) will also proudly point to themselves and say "I have no safeword" and then spend 40 min. going on about how perfect their owner is and that they have too much trust to ever NEED to do that. They are not only thrilled to be safe word free, but they are so sure that they will never ever be in a position where they would need one that they do not even want to entertain the idea.

Some argue that they would be unable to even use them- they just cannot do something so awful as safeword out on their partner. That would be displeasing and giving in too early.

Most newbies come into the scene thinking that they are NOT SUPPOSED to use safe words-- that it is a bad thing to not play through, as if this was some kind of naked gold tournament and all the holes count.
It is very easy to push ones own limits and ignore fear and pain when playing to please the other partner.
Self preservation, the magical moment when you KNOW you need to stop, can be overwhelmed by emotions ranging from endorphin rush to the need to PLEASE the partner giving you this feeling.

Some dominants argue that if they were playing with someone who NEEDED to safeword, then they are rotten tops who aren't doing their job right. The argument goes that if the Top (master, lord of the realm) is paying attention to his partner, and actually KNOWS them, then if he (or she) allows them to get to such a point that they have felt the need to safeword , that they must have missed something. They should have "known".

They should have been watching the breathing and the sweating and the toy and the twitching and the moaning and the lighting and the music and their own breathing and ...well, they are supposed to be perfect. The argument often finishes with something about how they have NEVER needed to have a parnter safeword and anyone who does is unsafe-- but not them.
The top or dom has "failed" if the bottom needs to safeword.

Safe words are important, useable, and- yes, they can also be taken away or ignored. NEITHER of those is a bad thing, *if* both parties KNOW what they are getting into because they have BOTH had lots of experience and have played together. More on that later.

There are also the feelings of the Dom or Top to take into consideration. MANY of the people you will play with might call themselves sadists or mean bastards, but most of them do NOT want to play with someone that is suffering through a scene and not deriving any pleasure from it. It brings out both the obvious feeling of doing true damage and not having a consentual partner, and it takes away from what pleasure they might feel from a partner that hates/loves the feeling and is happy rather than suffering. Yes, there are those that want only the suffering- but they are going to lose partners and not get much play if they truly hold that attitude long. Without enjoyment, suffering is just consented torture- and that is something you might regret later on when the endorphins quit flowing.

"Safe words" or safeword is the term for something that a bottom player can say or do to stop or slow a scene. They can be used to notify the top of an issue without stopping the scene, and can be verbal or non-verbal.
They are for private as well as public play, and can be very elastic in their meaning and usage.
Play is not a one way street, and you are communicating with every breath, each jump and squirm, every growl or squeak.
Safe words are just pre-set communications that are well known and easy to remember.
Nothing is set in stone in BDSM, and no one has the *one true way*, although some ways are probably more adhered to and taken more seriously than others.

Safewords are often thought of as either "RED" or "SAFEWORD" itself.
We (the larger play community) have adopted those words for a number of reasons.
First off, when playing, a bottom often has loss of thinking skills and even contact with reality. Something engrained and easy to remember like RED seems to work well. Traffic signal colors are pretty universal, everyone knows what the red and the green mean (yellow is often used as a "slow down" or "hey, got a problem, help" or even "this is close to a red" signal). Saying either RED or SAFEWORD traditionally STOPS the scene and both parties fix whatever went wrong, the top helps the bottom if they are at their limit, or some other "finishing" with that scene or playdate. RED does not HAVE to end a scene. Negotiate with your partner just how much or how long play will cease. The newer the relationship, the better it is to have RED as a "done" signal.

Secondly, Those two words are the most common and are fairly well known because other words are usually USED in scenes and not something that people will either pay attention to or understand as "stopping". A GREAT many people play loudly and scream, argue, yell, beg, plead, and call out everything from "STOP STOP" to "I'm gonna kill you motherfucker!" and more.
They LIKE to feel comfortable yelling verbal things and not having that affect their play. They do NOT want someone (their partner, a bystander, a DM, the party host) to come over and stop the scene because they yelled "NO MORE, THAT HURTS".

Keeping RED and SAFEWORD "sacred" for that express purpose means that all the rest of the words in the world are fair game. Bottoms have a much larger vocabulary to babble if they are limited to avoiding ONLY those 2 words. Many players want to always have use of words that will work in a variety of settings and in any situation. Familiarity breeds safety to them.

Using RED and SAFEWORD are also the only way anyone can play in most of the public dungeons i have ever been to (Western U.S.). The bigger dungeons and parties have trained DM's (Dungeon Monitors) that are there to watch for issues, help players if needed, keep crowds at a distance, make sure dungeon rules are followed, and be extra help in an emergency. These folks are always watching, and RED or SAFEWORD will instantly get their attention. Using anything else will, most likely, not even be noticed. Big dungeons and parties have insurance and liability issues, and they will post their rules when you enter or when you arrive- and the safe words of the house will be prominent. They WILL be RED and Safeword, the universally approved words to use.

This is a traditional situation. But there are more ways to skin a cat (or a cute slave) than meets the eye.
Often, a bottom will be gagged or bound and unable to talk. Some play so "deep" that they lose the power of speech. Most "fly", and very often quit worrying about damage or pain.
When playing with someone where their verbal skills are absent or in question, using a safe drop is advisable.
Have the bottom hold something that, when let go of, is a signal to stop/ red/ or that they have lost the ability to process. Hankies, balls, or any easily seen object that they can comfortably hold will do. Players using these in monitored play spaces (parties and public dungeons) will usually TELL the DM in advance so that they are aware of an unusual signal and watch for it if needed.

Private play ( at home or with friends in private areas) often is not as formal and folks tend to not have DM's. Safe words are often not as needed - or wanted. But getting a bottom comfortably trained to know them and be able to instantly "find" them when playing is not only safe, it is a serious service that any smart Top will give to that partner. They might not always play with the "no safewords" top. Relocation, breakups, death all intervene and a bottom without the basic skill to RED is not an asset.
MANY great Dominants and tops will NOT play with anyone that cannot safeword. It is unsafe for THEM.
A bottom that cannot say they have had enough will be more easily damaged, is not giving fair feedback, and is putting the top in a dangerous situation. Even the best partners can miss the moment you suddenly "flash back" and want to RED. Even the most skilled players don't always know when the bound bottom suddenly has a HUGE cramp that is going to tear their leg off. It is impossible for anyone to read someone's mind- and knowing that, as good as some Tops are, it is important to be able to protect them and yourself by safewording.

If you are new, and have issues with saying it (bottoms often say they do not want to dissappoint their partner and so cannot possibly safeword), tell your new partners. They can move slower, push more carefully, and find ways to help you make that safe connection with recognizing your limits and verbally sharing them. Once a dominant KNOWS that you will tell them when you have had enough, THEN they can go all out and play with one less worry. They now know they have a PARTNER in their scene rather than just a body to use.

There are people who like to use "odd" safewords. i have met people that swore up and down that "their girl uses MY personal safeword"-- and they have everything from vegetables (yes, one was zucchinni) to their partners names ("Oh Bobby YES"!). Their reasons are short sighted, and they will be ejected from public dungeons in some areas if they try to tell the management that all the DM's have to train themselves to hear "dirigible" and respond as a RED.
Can you imagine a room with 30 or 40 couples playing and the DM's need to know the personal safe word of each player- and listen for them? What a horror-- a room of babbling screaming people and the DM's are supposed to tell the safe words from the play babble.

Now that you understand the basics and the reasoning behind it, there is also the play where the safeword is deliberately ignored.
There are MANY well bonded play couples and experienced players that LIKE to play past their limits-- to be pushed, or to do the pushing.
They often have negotiated scenes where the Top will play up to the threshold of the bottoms limits-- and then deliberately keep going and FORCE a safeword out-- and then play on past even that.
It is edge play-- it is a headspace and place that is not for everyone. It is giving someone MORE sensation (pain) than they can handle, and breaking their inner mental limit. It is also very hot, very erotic, and something that many M/s couples do. It requires a great deal of trust, experience, and knowledge and is not for everyone.

When a scene like that is happening in public, the Top will make sure the DM's or the party host knows that they are going to do that kind of thing so no one interrupts their scene early.

copyright 10-31-2006 by shadow, all rights reserved.
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

Friday, December 15, 2006

# 40. The World in your hands: The Zen and flow of creating your own toys.

Essays on a life of P.E.

For centuries, the idea of making something by hand has included the basic premise that it is imbued with something of the creator. Giving homemade jams and jellies to family and friends conveyed both the talents of the chef as well as the implied thoughtfulness of sharing something that took time and effort.
Learning an art, and then using one's own resources to create that art meant an educational journey at the least, an investment of the intellect in learning how to cook or sew or create the item in question. It has also included, to a lesser extent, the idea that some part of the person who made the item was actually in the item, whether it was the seats in your car being turned out on an assembly line to the hand made shawl that granny crocheted with scraps over the long winter.
Humans have always revered the handcrafts of previous generations, be it the early primitive housewares of the Puritans in New England or the ancient carved doorways of the Egyptians. Handcrafts, and arts, were not just a historical fact like writing on a page, but a 3 dimensional reality that carried the very essence of the maker. Egyptian pyramids carry the maker marks on the stones of each mason that carved them out of the larger rubble- testament to their pride in workmanship, as well as permanent proof that "I was there".
Mankind's need to leave something behind that shows of their existence has been one of the driving forces of our species, but the rift between those who have monuments created FOR them and those who actually created is what separates the historical from the spiritual. You may walk through Cheops temple and feel the power of the great King and the awe at the resources he employed, but as you walk along and feel the monuments of stone and glass and mud beneath your hands, you are the recipient of the transmitted spirituality of the individuals that used their blood, sweat, and tears to transform their ruler's ideas into concrete realities, as well as leaving their own unique mark.
First Americans have traditionally linked the creation of a thing with the spirit of the creator, forever bonding not just the cloth with it's maker, but the slain Buffalo with it's slayer, the mountain stream with those who draw from it, and even the very air they breath with the life force of those that take it in to them. Historians have had a fairly easy time of dating, placing, and even attributing items to the specific makers throughout the New World due to this social bonding of art with the soul.
Each tribe had its own patterns and colors handed down generation after generation, encouraging new members to not only put some of themselves into their work, but to place their mark upon it as reference to who in the tribe created each pot, blanket, beadwork, headdress, and work bowl. They asked the Gods for kindness and assistance as they made their crafts, and spent added time and energy in spiritual cleansing and guidance if the item was to be used to honor the gods or call upon the dead. It was not enough that a man should make a cape of eagle feathers for a potlatch. He must make himself clean through spiritual prayers before heading out to kill the bird or collect it's feathers, and then spend time and emotional energy thanking the animal and it's maker for his finds. The area or building where the garment was to be created was cleansed ritually, adding spiritual energy and the collective call of the tribe to make the space worthy of the cloak to be created there. Great patience was used as the necessary supplies were gathered, ritually cleaned and laid out, and put together using ancient customs and chants that were also guaranteed to imbue the garment with the spirits of the dead, as well as the living.
The Quakers in mid 18th century America also felt that their crafts should be a reflection of the maker- but in their world, authentication and ornamentation were signs of pride and to be avoided. A great spiritual moment was one where the creator of the chair or quilt had finished the project with as much perfection and attention to detail as possible, but in a manner that was consistent with every other example of that craft and showed no individual embellishment or identity. To them, the spiritual need to pay attention to the work, to want to create for the glory of God rather than the individual and his or her talent was the priority.
In addition, due to their religious desire to keep their needs as simple as possible and give as much time as possible to God rather than the accumulation and care of earthly possessions, they had a minimum amount of goods in their homes, making each item that much more needed as well as a focal point of it's intention. It is hard to not appreciate and respect the time and energy given to making one deep soft quilt in the dead of winter if that one quilt is the only one you have for your bed. Remembering the time it took to collect the pieces for it, recollecting the communion and social sharing that took place around it as it was made, and cherishing the creature comforts that it gave you were all important spiritual links that often unwittingly seeped into the item over the years of service it first gave.
The path of creation imbued with faith, spirit, or self has never actually disappeared since the dawn of mankind. Today, one of the newest forms is "The Shawl Ministry", a church based group that knit shawls and pray, intending that the shawls will have the power of the prayers of those who made them.
Information at: gives insight to this ongoing phenomena. "We are knitting prayers into shawls to bless those who will receive them," said Julie Tampa, one of 40 women who show up, knitting needles in hand, to spend two hours each weekend knitting and praying at St. Peter's Episcopal Church in the Great Valley in Paoli, Penn.
"It is a time to become aware of God's presence and God's grace. There is another element to it," said Vicki Galo, co-founder of the ministry, which has needles clicking from Maine to California and in a handful of groups overseas.
"Somehow, it benefits the knitter or the crocheter, too." The women involved are discovering that in the process of helping others, they are helping themselves—spiritually. Knitters say the click of the needles, the tension of the yarn and the sight of the colors winds them into a meditation-like state. For Galo and many others, the combination of craft with contemplation was an awakening.
"You mean I can pray when I am doing this?" Galo said knitters asked. "It was a very new concept for women. And yet it is an old concept known by Tibetan monks and Native Americans."
Melanie Fahey, a shawl knitter at St. Michael's Episcopal Church in Houston, put it this way: "When I am working on a shawl, I am far more at peace in my own life. Everything gets done without leaving me feeling frazzled."
Whether it is a bookcase for the ages carved out of oak that will be loved by generations long after the maker has died, or a simple yarn shawl, the idea of creating usable items that have the creators Ka, Chi, soul, or essence imbedded into them is a universal human theme.
Knowing this is one answer to the question "Why bother"? Why do we bother to take the time and effort to learn something and then try to make it when it is obviously easier and often
often financially wiser to just buy the item from a store? Why turn yet one more wooden bowl on a lathe, weave another mat, make another stained-glass lamp? Because something we have invested our own time and thought into has more personal meaning to us, more sentimental value, and often, is not only just as "good" as the machine made/assembly line/ anonymously created item, as well as being made to our own unique needs, desires, and specifications, but better due to the unique materials, style, and embellishments.
The unseen link between creator and creation is as old as time itself, and although the worst example is best exemplified by Mary Shelly, the history of humanity is filled with connections between the artist and the art. While there are few that can put their own soul into the painting of a wall with the eloquence of an Eldon Burnaky, no one disputes the passion resonating from "The Last Supper" or "The Mona Lisa" are also present in every gift of art and moment of paint on canvass.
The fire and connection between the artist and the art is so profoundly accepted throughout mankind's history as to be a moot point, yet the average crafter often forgets this important connection. An item does not have to have even an intrinsic value to carry the entire emotional impact of the creator, as witnessed by thousands of mothers every May as their preschoolers present them with bits of painted shell and clay, construction paper reeking of undried Elmer's glue and macaroni bits, and even rocks they have lovingly cradled in their arms on the long walk home from the park. We share our essence not only through our DNA or our words, but our touch, our time, and our attention to the thing at hand, be it humble or inspired.
Leatherwork, macramé, decoupage, candlemaking, papermaking, basketry, spinning and dyeing, weaving, batik and tie-dyeing, stained glass, string art, origami, pottery, quilting, modeling, casting sculptures, drawing, painting, printmaking, printing on fabric, stenciling, collage, wood sculpture, metalworking, drying and preserving flowers, mosaics, lapidary, jewelry, woodworking, picture framing, preserving fruit, bread baking, winemaking, restoring furniture and bookbinding, the list is an endless example of ways to give of yourself and create something that is more than the sum of it's parts.
At it is noted that: "Adam and Eve were world makers, culture makers and therefore the first craftspeople. They were commissioned to shape as well as use and appreciate the created order. They were the first landscape gardeners, the first builders and the very first collectors. They were the first persons to note that things are good in themselves and worth having for the simple enjoyment they provide. The creation account notes that “the gold of that land [the land of Havilah, watered by the Eden River system] is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there” (Genesis 2:12).
Was Eve (or her descendant) the first jeweler, the first collector of beautiful ornaments, the first inventor of perfume, the first metalworker? It is difficult to imagine that everything in the garden was provided just for humankind to make a living", and we have to remember that the entire human race from the first humans forward have not just inhabited the earth, but left behind their spirituality in the things they created, grew, tended, and even in the lives they cared for.
Within the sensual erotic arts, this concept of intimacy through artifacts is well understood. People seek out the finest artisans of leather for cuffs and collars that will stroke the skin of a loved one, adding not just a layer of cow hide, but the karma of the craftsman that lovingly designed and stitched the product, the harmony or ill will of the leather dyer, even the chakra energy of the woman who sold them to the ultimate buyer. There are hundreds of players that seek out certain craftsmen not just for the quality or type of product they offer, but due to the love, attention to detail, and bits of their own soul that the buyers know is part and parcel of the whip, forged in the bit, and hammered into the collar. The idea that any piece of equipment is sterile and carries nothing but a price tag is rarely seen, while the unstated assumption that kink goods have karma is widely recognized and appreciated.
Does everyone need to do this? Probably not. But there is no need to spend time on the thoughts of those who don't get this.
So, with that knowledge, how do *you* tap into this spirituality? You have 10 thumbs, no time, and are color blind? There is a way. You hate making things? There is a way. You have no money and little time? There *is* a way.
I have spent hours watching Viper create whips and leather goods, and even as he jokes and laughs and interacts with his family and slave, the raw materials that arrive in his home take on so much of his respectful restrained personality that they almost buzz when you hold them. Sweat from the pulling of the braids, the sweep of his hands tanning the colors, his quiet presence sings in the singletails he creates. He is creating the spiritual whip, the beginning of the chain.
Then you buy it. Or it goes through 20 people on the WAY to your hands. What next? You need to break it in, throwing and cracking, shaping your hands around it, working in the conditioner, leaving your own sweat and saliva and heat. That toy will resonate with YOUR spirit long before you use it on a bottom. You need to keep it near you, feel the power, think of the uses and the intentions of that woven leather implement.
Every toy gives this possibility for a bit of you to soak in. Wooden paddles need to be waxed, maybe your own name or signature mark carved or burnt in. Some women fill the battery pack area of a dildo with herbs before it's first use, or wash it with soaps they have made. There are aftercare blankets woven by people for their lovers over many months, and there are aftercare blankets sewed over the weekend.
While some leather work takes YEARS and mentoring to learn well, other things can be picked up in a 4 hour workshop, from making a simple belt to a magically infused collar that carries all your energy, and can be adorned over time with the chains and symbols you and your leather family find of importance. Having your property wear something you created as a symbol of being YOURS has far deeper meaning than some generic item off the shelf. While I don't condone scarring or branding without some SERIOUS training by a professional such as Fakir (failure to know what you are doing can result in killing all the skin within a brand, or creating a mess rather than a mark), you CAN research and create the design (with modifications as your brander advises), draw and color your own tattoo pattern, or even design and forge your own body jewelry to have pierced into that special someone.
You, the owner of the item, can always find a way to add personal love to it, to give it more than how it came to you. One friend takes hours filing off the burrs on fishing hooks before he uses them in skin ceremonies. They might start OUT as huge fish hooks for Salmon and Tuna, but when He is done, they are shining bits of metal that will change a life. The skin they pierce KNOWS this as it enters, and remembers it when it is gone. Keeping our toys clean and safe is respect for our things. Giving part of ourselves to our toys is respect for ourselves and our partners. The spirituality of our toys is the spirituality of ourselves.

CopyrightStrong Eagle's shadow, May 15, 2006 rights reserved. Please write for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

#2. Better

#2. "Better"....

Essays on a life of P.E.
July 27th, 2003
by shadow

In a message dated 7/23/03 6:26:34 AM, Patrick writing for Jack Rinella's column ( writes:
>I was frustrated about the mummification scene ending. Not because he stopped playing, but because I couldn't handle it. I thought about my reaction and how that came about and vowed to do better next time.<,<<

When Patrick (Jack's slave) write this, it touched a chord in me. It was coming from the point of an owned member of a leather family, a man that has lived this life and knows the basics. He had been with his master for over 2 years, and it struck me that even *he* with *his* well educated owner, still feels this way and thinks this way from time to time.

He is not a newbie, nor is he writing about what others think or feel. He is educating from his own viewpoint. But he has struck a very important and, IMHO, vital concept that should always been discussed with new folks in the scene - and reviewed from time to time with older members. We all are capable of forgetting this concept in our quest to please those we serve.

We in the life, as bottom folks- the subs, slaves, bottoms, sensation receivers- often tend to think that, when it comes to pain, physical contact, or impact play , that we can "improve" with time-- that we can learn to take "longer", or be "better" or somehow please MORE. Especially when it comes to receiving hurtful sensation. Things we LIKE to feel we *try* to get more of, but things we dislike (hate even), we often still tend to try and expand the amount that we handle.

This brings up two different lines of thinking.
One line- that we can always improve, educate ourselves, and become better as people, as lovers, as friends, as slaves and service givers and mentors and members of our community and this planet, that is a noble and worthy ideal. It is what humankind is founded on, the notion of always learning and changing. It is a noble imperative that any human always try to be more of their ideal and restructure the things they dislike in themselves. "When ya quit learnin', ya die" as Strong Eagle always reminds me, and i have always lived. Growth and change are inevitable, so doing them in a structured manner with clearly defined goals and outcomes is logical, saves time, and really can't hurt.
Learning how to serve better, how to accommodate, be more graceful or to work more seamlessly with others is a worthy goal. There are many ways outside of a scene to stretch ourselves in and grow.

While we can educate ourselves, and work on our inner being to grow and improve in all areas, BDSM sensation and WIITWD, impact play is a slightly different kettle of fish .
It is not that we SHOULD "take more" when it comes to pain play and sensation.
Some can, over time. Some cannot. New people especially have a large learning curve, and can absorb more and more sensation as time goes by and they become acclimated. Many of us find that we change our perceptions of how we “feel” when we play with pain, and unconsciously create coping mechanisms that help us accept more over time.
This does not happen to everyone, and no one needs to feel “less” if their abilities are not of the same duration or quantity as others.

Before we even get to that end of the discussion however, maybe we should look at what we are really talking about.

What is *more*?
More Yesterday? My standards? Your own needs? What you felt was total but someone else said was not as far as THEY do it?

What you can endure, or enjoy, or appreciate, or love, or hate but stand still for is not something that needs to change...
More is subjective, and not something that needs to be defined so much as dismissed in a discussion amongst adults.

If you WANT to try and go other places, yes, then by all means-- if you find that you YOURSELF want to push yourself for yourself, then this is a good thing and can be dealt with. If the person you have given power over to says that you WILL be doing something that you did not think you could, or going to places you have not, that is also fine. That is your personal dynamic, and you have negotiated that willingly and with knowledge by both parties.

Thinking that you HAVE to take whatever your top gives, and that you have somehow failed when you don't, while a universal thing with us bottom folks, is not accurate. It is putting undue pressure on yourself, and creating a measurement standard that is not only unnecessary- but actually counterproductive to being in this life.
Wanting to see how much you can GIVE to someone is different that just gritting your teeth and bearing it.
Unless that has been a negotiated part of your play with your partner, and they have TOLD you they want you to do this, then "endurance" is not the goal.
A dominant person in play is not an abuser-- they play due to CONSENT. That person on top wants to know that you WANT this thing- that you will take it for them, that you like it, that you feel happy when they do it to you (even if the thing itself is not something you love or like).
If they do not know that you are ENDURING their loving administrations, then you are in effect lying to them. If you tell them that you are enduring this- and they know up front when you play what you are enjoying and what you are enduring- then they can judge what they give you and why-- and they do not find out that they have been abusing you after the fact.
Now, once you tell your partner that you are enduring something, then it is up to THEM to do one of several things:
1) Not do it any more.
2) Do it in such a way that they and you feel you can bear all of it
3) Do as much of it as they want to until you cave in and red on them
4) Do it just a little for their own enjoyment, knowing full well how you feel about it.

Each of these is a fair and just decision so long as BOTH partners agree to it. Each has it's own drawbacks and it's own joys and reasons.

But having some kind of play that makes you need to red every time you play, and "vowing to do better next time" to yourself is, with few exceptions, counterproductive to the PE act and not going to work.
One cannot convince themselves out of a panic attack. One cannot flog themselves past a pain point. And putting yourself in emotional or physical danger out of some misdirected sense of "being better/doing better/going farther" is not required by anyone of good standing in our communities, be they straight or gay, lez or trans, het or poly.

Those in charge of a scene really do not feel in charge if the receiving end is thinking/ making decisions during a scene. It takes away from their power. It shows that they have NOT got your mind. You are STILL IN CHARGE WHEN YOU DO THIS. This is not good unless you have, as say, a bottom sensation only player in a pick up scene, negotiated this kind of thing.

i know several T/D/M's that have explained their views on this, on their submissives "enduring" for them.
All of them hate it. It makes them feel like abusers. It takes away from their power. It undermines their beliefs in being in control and knowing what is happening in the body they are playing with. It is not fair.
When they lean in and *tell*you to endure for them, it feeds their power. When they find out after a scene that the part that made them feel so damned wonderful was *endured* and put up with and you hated it and did not want to have it happen at all... then their feelings of abuse and use and lack of control are fed instead.

Most of them expect it to happen when asked.
But none of them want to see that as a pattern with all play.

They do not want *any* of us to "endure" the love they share with us.

Doing "better"... that is probably a myth. We all do what we do, and being HONEST with our play partner is much more important than any *level* we achieve or any * amount* of pain/sensation/input we can take.

Try not to do "better". Be honest, be truthful, and be real. THAT is what they want from us.

In bondage,
copyright 7-27-03 by shadow, all rights reserved.
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.