Shadow's Essays

"Words are loaded pistols."Jean Paul Sartre ~ "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Anais Nin

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Location: San Jose, Ca, United States

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Being afraid of yourself

#42. Slave Diaries- Being afraid of yourself.
Introspection and the good path.

Essays on a life of P.E.
Jan. 7th, 2012
By shadow

Funny how you sing along to something for decades and then one day the lyrics really SINK IN...
i have been having some conversations with folks who are just 1-2 years into WIITWD, and for the SMART ones, they are questioning themselves, what they thought before they arrived here, what they think they might want.
The Sadists spend time questioning just WHERE they will stop- if given complete control over someone, what will be the place where that darkness will recede and the men or woman they thought they were will emerge- be it a single scene, or a lifetime of play.
i have watched this over and over and over again in my oh so short time in the scene, people who have fantasies in their head, misery in their lives, marriages that are dead things they maintain like watering withered plants, who find a munch, or a chat group, who write me or join Fetlife or come to an event and stand at the edges...
Hungry for the banquet in front of them, unable to comprehend that this is REAL and not just their own personal wank world, that it's NOT just fiction for movies and people who write books and don't really believe...
it exists.
They come, they want to know about it ALL right now, and they start to play, and meet, and talk and learn and buy toys and make things and get to have those extraordinary orgasms from the sheer THRILL of it all.
For the sadists, they get hard (wet- take your pick here) when they grab that slave by the hair, pull out a knife, or sink their teeth in.
They get excited just HANDLING the damned rope in their homes, and spend their free moments daily considering what they want to do next, who they want to play with, how to get out of the house, where they will dump the kids for the weekend, how to make enough cash to pay for the toy.
They want to do it all, and every day their fantasies get a little more..... dark.
More deep. More bloody.
As time goes by, they find themselves afraid to play- afraid of what they are becoming. They wanted to throw that flogger over and over and more than once had to apologize to someone because they never heard the yellow, never noticed the tears, deliberately let one more blow land before backing off.
They feel horribly guilty about that- they are turning into monsters, they are unable to fuck like nice people anymore, they don't WANT that stupid marriage they are in, they want to run riot and let it all out of the cage, stop listening to the saner voice in their head, quit paying attention to the screams and just bathe in the blood and the pain and the horror.
They are suddenly afraid of themselves.

The situation is different if you are in the public scene- here, we have classes that offer insight, books you can read freely that will give you perspective, discussion groups to make friends and forge the bonds so that you know you are NOT some animal, and this is not some horrible disease we have.
In vanilla life, you can often tell who IS someone who found their sadism outside of community, and once they saw their own beast ran screaming back into their closet, slammed the door and now sees all kink as dangerous perversions.
They are the religious zealots, the political hacks, the 'one true way' believers.

Here in the scene, we all go through those times when we need to look inside and often wonder if what we see is real- and if the future we extrapolate from our current play thoughts is one of terror and pain, where we will end up as victims of our unleashed passions.
We won't of course. We will get over the alienation we find inside us upon meeting these sexual feelings that no one ever told us about. We will find out psychological keys and make sense out of the threads we read that strike a chord in our hearts. We find partners that give us safe harbor to explore what we NEED to do while being safe and honest with us so we never feel we are taking advantage of another person.
We find those magical bubbles of intense human bonding that no one ever told us about- the intimacy of the dance.
We have fallen through the Looking glass ( a phrase i used at my first South Bay Discussion Group in 2000 to describe how i personally felt about suddenly finding this whole community), and we are seeing that we will NOT be swept away in the flood of strange tears with wild beasts. We understand the path, and we can plot the next move of the chess pieces in our heart.
Most of us never find that one partner (or that one poly family) with the right balance for our needs, the right balance of gifts they bring and offerings from us they will accept. For *most* of the people in BDSM, they will consider themselves blessed if they find happiness in stretches of 1 to 2 years between periods of being alone again.
Some will come into this scene and find the language that defines their fantasies, and leave again to meet their play partners back in vanilla lands- sometimes without ever letting on to those others what they really harbor behind their eyes.
Some will come here, find their kinks, and then feel sated and need to move on to other things that are their new 'hearts desire'.
Some come here and realize that what they had in their head was MORE than want they wanted, and to live it out in the flesh is not as good, not as fun, not as fulfilling.
For a small few of us, we will come through the mirror and instantly, irrevocably feel "home", knowing that we might well not find a lover forever, but we have crossed our own personal Rubicon and can never go back to living in a world where the ideas of power exchange are considered dangerous, where impact play is shunned, where people fear to talk about their feelings and it is considered *smart* and *safe* to hide what is in one's heart.

i find that stupid in the extreme. The isolation in vanilla life of living inside your own head and never truly trusting those around you with EVERYTHING is now, 14 years later, impossible for me to imagine. The idea of manipulating your partner by with holding what you want, misrepresenting things based on your own assumptions about what your partner MIGHT be thinking just appalls me.

So here you are, standing in the window of the candy store, hunger gnawing in your head, and yet the fear of what you might become, what you might DO given half a chance, makes you nervous, and worried that this is the wrong path.

My own thoughts on this are: So long as you are worried, so long as you are concerned, you are fine. It's the one's that DON'T care about their partners, that DO want to play in secret, alone in the dark with their demons and a partner in chains, that worry me.
When you find yourself in the bubble, SHARING that power with another, feeling with them, breathing with them, FEEDING off them because they want this as much as you do, fight it as hard, and live waiting for the next scene- that's the best of all.

Which brings me back to the music playing inside my head. The time between finding out that you belong here, and the moment you have the partner that lets you fly.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Waiting (copyright TP&H, From "Hard Promises" 1981 LINK CLICK HERE)

Oh baby don't it feel like heaven right now
Don't it feel like somethin' from a dream
Yeah I've never known nothing quite like this
Don't it feel like tonight might never be again
We know better than to try and pretend
Baby no one could have ever told me 'bout this

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Well Yeah I might have chased a couple of women around
All it ever got me was down
Then there were those that made me feel good
But never as good as I feel right now
Baby you're the only one that's ever known how
To make me wanna live like I wanna live now

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you
Don't let 'em kill you baby, don't let 'em get to you
I'll be your breathin' heart, I'll be your cryin' fool
Don't let this go to far, don't let it get to you

Copyright shadow, January 7th, 2012

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