Shadow's Essays

"Words are loaded pistols."Jean Paul Sartre ~ "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Anais Nin

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Location: San Jose, Ca, United States

Saturday, December 26, 2009

#41. Who are You?

Being honest about being yourself.

Essays on a life of P.E.
April 23, 2009
by shadow

Each of us has a bio of some kind, and what it is says a lot about us, not necessarily in words. The phrasing we use, the kinds of examples we give, the pieces of our lives we share all add to that total on line picture of us.

As do our first meetings and the things we do/ wear/ say/ think at that time.

Recently i read a long winded discussion about meeting a dominant male the first time and if potential slaves and subs should or shouldn't 'dress as requested'. It was the jumping off point of my thoughts about dating, about me, and about finding that ultimate partner.

Let me just start with a simple idea. If you are wrong for each other, you are wrong for each other and all the care and attention to trying to please the other or impress the other or test the other will just prolong the amount of time it takes to come to this realization.

Yes, people can change- but not drastically, and not without deep reasons. Yes, people can give terrible first impressions and turn out to be exactly who you dreamed of sharing yourself with.

Keeping those things in mind, the flip side is, if they turn you off right away, they probably aren't what you were looking for. A good example of this is my ever changing bio on Fetlife.

It's long these days. i keep adding things that i think are important. If a great dominant stumbles across it and hates reading it, then they aren't the right one for me. Why? Because i AM a writer, and i love writing and i need to have an Owner that WANTS to read my stuff as i create it, and to critique the ideas and assumptions for me. So right off the bat, someone that sees that page of text and doesn't want to read it (barring just not in the mood at that moment or has just lost their reading glasses, etc.) probably isn't the ultimate collar for me in the future.

I get into 'bitchy' modes. Once in a while, i also get into ego stroke range and need to show off just how bitchy i can be- and i POST those bitches, gripes, complaints, and slaps. The man that can see those and LAUGHS is probably someone that will appreciate me. The man that reads those and shakes head and thinks "that is unacceptable in my property, but something i can work on" is possibly someone that i can serve with commitment and love. The man who reads one of those bitch slaps and gets all twerpy pissed off and takes uber offense at 'that crap from some bitch who doesn't know the meaning of the term slavery' is someone who doesn't know the meaning of the term slavery and is not going to either appreciate me or get along well with me.

So my honesty in posting-- even when i have not thought it out well at the moment- is a window into who i am and what kind of woman lives in this brain. The Owner out there that seeks one to serve and respect them will WANT to have a deep well of information to play with, and WANT to have a woman of strong temperment and emotion to corral, and WANT to look at all that as 'good stuff to mold'. Being me and trying to post as honestly as possible is helping, not hindering my search.

Should i have censored each thing for how politically correct it is, i would not be showing such a real picture. It might be more pleasing to more men, it might bring more replies and invites, but eventually all those excess meetings and dances in the dark would prove futile, because the person they thought i was in print was a watered down censored version of the colorful flamboyant sensitive woman i really am.

The same holds true for first meetings. i am cautious by nature, and i want to get to know someone before i expose too much of the easily wounded parts of me. That means keeping my wits about me and staying OUT of slave space early on while i evaluate how i feel and watch what he does. Many great Owners that i know have stated that they WANT to tell a woman what to wear- or at least suggest the style that they like to see on a gal- in order to get some eye candy and to see if the woman really is interested in following suggestions or orders early on. For them, it weeds out the wanna-bees and they are stripping off one layer of protective camouflage so they can get a better glimpse of the woman they are considering. They want their coffee date to be exhibiting some of the traits they are looking for, and submission, both in her demeanor as well as her clothing (or lack there of) is part of that for them.

The good ones know, however, that ALL the scum want to dictate what you wear on a first meeting, with lots of suggestive clothing and fantasy fulfillment involved (they don't get past coffee too damned often, so they layer it on while they can). The newer men to M/s and D/s do this as well, because they are still learning and have more fiction than reality to work with. New young women are eager to please and DO dress the part as asked without question. Unless they are scooped up off the planet on their first date and live happily ever after with that one man of their dreams, they will not always be so mallable. They will eventually grow older and get burnt a few times and scared a few times and have men ask them to do things that they did even when uncomfortable, often with disasterous results. They will spend hours dressing for dates that don't show, they will dress inappropriately for work so they can meet up at lunch or right afterward, and maybe put their jobs in jeopardy. They will dress in clothes that make them uncomfortable and end up giving a bad first impression. They will spend money to have EXACTLY what the gentleman asked for, then he will dismiss them and the fetish wear they personally hate.

We slaves and subs and bottoms are made to be manipulated, but over time we often grow protective shells and skin like leather. The good girl is still inside there, still awaiting the right moment, the right situation, the right man, the right Owner. She just isn't always right out on display the first moment she is asked by someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a virtual stranger she is meeting for the first time.

For me, i want to dress appropriately feminine, slightly more vulnerable than usual, and always with taste and an eye towards what looks best on me, that day, for that first meeting. Should the man be an ardent lover of fishnets, i would have to mention that i don't own any right now, but that i do have a pair of something laddered that he might appreciate. i would not go out and spend money on fishnets (they are hell on my feet for standing around in, biting into the heels in many of my good shoes), but i would make it clear that i am MORE than happy to oblige should our relationship continue for any length of time. i would stand on fucking fishnets till hell froze over once i found another love of merit in my heart.

What probably would turn off 90% of the men i might meet for coffee is still EXACTLY what the owner of my dreams wants. He wants a girl that is NOT throwing herself at every 'dominant' that crawls up to her door. He wants a girl that is thrifty enough to not spend money she doesn't have taking a flyer on a coffee date. He wants a girl that can keep her wits about her and protect herself when he is not there to do so for her- and that means using her common sense and being cautious about how much she exposes both physically and mentally to the new men she meets.

My belief in safe calls, even for coffee dates, is legendary, and i teach that every woman is meeting a stranger that first time, no matter what she learned on the phone and internet. Even if he has 'references', if those aren't coming from her PERSONAL friends who know him well and know her well and know where you both live, then they are suspect. So i create safe calls for coffee dates. The owner of my future likes this idea. His property is no fool, and she takes basic precautions when she is not with those who are her Owners. He expects to arrive for a meet up and have me evetually have to excuse myself to get the phone or make a call. He would not impede that idea by either demanding i ignore the phone nor would he tell me "Do NOT make any calls without my permission" (yes, i had one do that last year in SF. It was a very exspensive dinner for him since he ignored every signal and warning i sent out about his demeanor and demands). Would i ever take any call but an important one while meeting up with a potential Owner? Hell no! The man out there understands that, and has already evaluated several dozen women that have not risen to certain standards, including rude phone chats while on a date. he can tell he difference between a short check in and a chatter fest with a friend. He is aware of both sides of the coin, and i am aware that He is evaluating me.

Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is a process, and the honesty you show from the outset makes that process easier for other honest seekers. Yes, it gives the dishonest manipulative ones more hard facts to use, but they are also at a disadvantage, for they do not understand that a smart slave is evaluating not just what they are and what they do and say and wear, but we are evaluating THEM at the same time.

Men who take no power at all on a date worry me-- have they been burnt and are cautious, have they had a rough day and want some down time and are not making this first date important, or are they just not that kind of Owner? Men who fail to dress at all for a date send out clear signals to me that i need to be aware and evaluate them further- are they naturally super casual, were they coming direct from work, or do they just not have anything appropriate for first dates?

Most of us know, within a few moments of meeting eye to eye and face to face, if the person across from us sparks something, makes us damp, gets our attention, or brings out the NEED to take control. After that moment, we have changed the nature of the meeting, for we now have something to lose. We have smelled fresh meat, and wanted to taste it. We have been happy with all the lead up information and now the in person contact has whetted our appetite for more.

Once we want more, then we have a whole new set of reasons to be 'unreal'. Wanting to please someone very much rather than show our feelings over issues and ideals, rules and philosophies of M/s. Wanting to impress on the woman your style, your demanding nature, how powerful you are sexually. Once we have made that basic "Yes/ No" decision we have a bit of an emotional attachment forming and we want things to go well.

That is another time when we are most suspect and likely to fall back on dishonest, but BDSM socially correct behaviors. False giggles. Chest puffing. Age regression. Control and decision making.

If we do them out of a desire to please but they are not something we are comfortable with, then we are still dooming the relationship. If we do them because they come naturally in the situation and feel right, then we are showing the honesty and growth potential in the power exchange.

Being "the best you can be" is honest, and something to strive for, but if what you do is behavior that is not normally and something you are not going to be repeating, they you are leaving false expectations on the partners side. And example is the infamous nipple tweak. If she hates that, and you never normally do it, then you might have run off a potential girl with a behavior that she dislikes intensely. If she loves it, she will want you to tweak her nipple regularly as part of your relationship - and if she loves that kind of thing, she will become ultimately dissappointed in you and the behaviors you exhibited only for courting.

Doing something to show you CAN when you never will again as a dominant partner is just as bad as submitting to something you hate hoping never to do it again and knowing it is a deal breaker in the long run for the sub. It creates false expectations.

Creating impressions is never easy, but should we try to mitigate things about us by manipulating them for the sake of others possible interpretations is not a good philosophy.

Your bio is you. When long and involved, it says something about you. When totally absent, it still says something about you. When written with humor, it says that you are a funny person who expects to entertain and laugh. When written in haste, it shows that you have not put time into showing a potential partner what you care about. Those might or might not be things that are true about you, but before someone can take the time to get to know you, they have to be attracted to SOMETHING about you first. The more they find in those first impressions, the better your chances at having a deeper relationship with them.

Do not fret about what others say you should or shouldn't do, or mull over how you wrote or said or did something afterward. You were being yourself. The right partner will see that, and want that, even if the particular action or post was not your best. The right partner will be tempermentally suited to your natural self. If they are not, they are probably not going to be the right partner for you.

You are a unique cup of tea, but you are not everyone's cup of tea. Who are you?

Copyright 4/23/09 shadow.

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