Shadow's Essays

"Words are loaded pistols."Jean Paul Sartre ~ "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Anais Nin

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Location: San Jose, Ca, United States

Sunday, December 17, 2006

# 45. The Fear and Humiliation of Fine Diamonds.

Essays on a life of P.E.

by Strong Eagle's shadow

Within the BDSM scene, the sexual give and take of play is as much about everyone getting what they need as it is doing things that are verboten.
Most of the people in the scene have considered the situation and realize that no one stays in a relationship if they are not getting what they want (those kinds of relationships are called "abusive"). While 2 people might negotiate to do things that one of them hates-- there are underlying motivations for that person that make tolerating that scene or implement of worth and value to them in other ways rather than just liking the *sensation*.
Getting set up to play and doing all the things in our heads that have been off limits, or were "sick" or "wrong" in our minds is also part of what we do. An Example of this is that there are very few places in vanilla society where public nudity and sexual expression in public are not only allowed, but encouraged.

In order to do this with someone else requires both parties to expose some of their kinks. While the bottom might have to admit that they really WANT a spanking, the top is admitting that they love GIVING spankings, even if they say nothing. The "service top" attitude ("I hate doing this, but I will because this person asked me to") does sometimes come into play, but not for long. If the service top is not getting *something* out of doing that for others, they will stop. They will find a different way to play so that they ARE getting gratification, or they will leave the scene. Other than those folks however, everyone playing is admitting that they like- to one degree or another- what they are doing.

Admitting what we like to others is TOUGH.
It is the hardest part of negotiating with many people, as they either don't know at all what they really want to have, or they have so many emotional blocks and social phobias about speaking out loud that it often takes a while.
We sometimes have to work around their fears, or find indirect ways to get our partner to tell us what they want, no matter if they are a bottom or a new Top to the scene.

Very few people, especially new submissives of either gender, want to tell a practical stranger that they want to get reamed up the ass with the bad end of a baseball bat, that they need to crawl on the floor and beg to be forgiven while licking boots, or that they find the only way to feel sexual excitement is with extreme pain applied to some point of their body.
Very few new Tops are comfortable accepting their sadisim, telling people that they want to hurt them (give them sensations that will not be pleasant), or humiliate them. For Toppish persons the stigmas surrounding kink play are just as intimidating. Few people want to tell someone that they LIKE being a "bad person" in societies eyes.

But in order for negotiations to begin, they often do have to communicate just that. The fear and humiliation of being looked at by a play partner *in scene* the same way they know others in vanilla land would look at them (and often, the way the think of themselves at times), will keep them from exposing those peculiarities easily. They might want to dissemble, dance around the issue, or just not actually use the words that best describe what they want to do with you.

In any other place or situation, telling someone what you wanted would be easy. There really isn't any fear or humiliation surrounding the concept of telling someone you want a diamond necklace. Telling that same person- someone that you have found attractive enough in some way to want to play with- that you want them to do something with you or to you that is wrong, painful, dangerous, or embarassing is the problem.

So how do you do that?

Well first off, remember that the longer you take to get to know the scene, your potential partner, and what your community considers normal, the easier it will be for you to verbalize those lovely secret desires in your head. If at all possible, take time to get to be friends with that first play partner, dom or sub. Spend time on the phone just talking about *everything*, including pets, food, cars, movies, and a host of things. It will give you more of a starting place with that person, and if you are lucky, you will already BE in a real relationship before you have to admit the heavy stuff you are nervous about.

The scene however, revolves around casual play, light play, first time play, and play with people who are not going to want or need 'relationships" with everyone. That requires a different set of negotiation skills. Being able to watch a partner play in public- and getting an idea of what they like and are capable of- helps a lot. Public play, even hanging around the public dungeon quietly like a wall flower a few times- gives you the chance to see people, and see if what you have in *your* heart is something that some person is already doing in public. Then you can ask them- when they are not involved in a scene or after care- if they might be interested in doing that with *you*. Things in your head and your heart that you find embarrassing, deeply personal, or humiliating, are often easily transmuted into exciting possibilities once you SEE others DOING them and get to watch the public response.

Standing back in a dungeon and being unable to tear your eyes away from a scene where a woman ties up a mans genitals and then nails them to a board might make you hot- but if you were not there in person, you would not get to judge how OTHERS are reacting. Often, what you will find is that the scenes that you find the most intimate and difficult to express interest in are the ones that many people mingling in the dungeon notice, comment on, but do not "dwell" on for long.

There are very few things in a public dungeon that make everyone stop and stare. There are *very* few things in your own heart that have not been said out loud to most everyone in whatever kink community you manage to find in real time.

As a top working to help that new partner express their desires, you probably know lots of negotiation skills. Some allow their new partners to dig through their toy bags and pull out the things they are interested in trying. The new bottom doesn't have to verbalize their wants, and they can start with things that are the least fearful to them.

Some want to spend 1-2 hours watching the play with a new partner at their side, asking them to point to things they find interesting, and to quietly comment to them about what they are thinking as they watch the play.

Some like to take one toy and work from mild to whatever level their new partner feels is "enough". Some actually enjoy sitting a new person down and making him squirm while having to deliberately speak the things he most fears.

Experienced bottoms working with new Tops can offer what they WANT to have done, show off the toys they themselves own, and be willing to play unrestrained so that they can move and comment on their partners skill set.

What can help for both parties is to remember that here, on the other side of the mirror, we value different things. A man that wants to be led on a leash is valued. A Dominant that wants to make you cry is rare. A woman that wants to be whipped is desired. A man that likes to serve and be humiliated is cherished. A woman that fears losing control and the loses just that- losing all bodily control while in the throes of a scene- is more valuable than diamonds.

Consider what YOU want in your heart to be of more value to a kinky play partner than jewels, and you will find less fear or humiliation surrounding asking for fine diamonds yourself.

copyright 11-12-2006 by shadow, all rights reserved.
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.


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