Shadow's Essays

"Words are loaded pistols."Jean Paul Sartre ~ "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Anais Nin

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Location: San Jose, Ca, United States

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

#88 Diamonds and Rust

Essays on a life of P.E.
December 8th, 2009
by shadow

When a relationship ends, especially an M/s based one, both parties usually take a lot of time to try to find their bearings. The deeper and more committed the relationship, the longer that takes to being feeling "ready" to enter the world again, to laugh, to talk, to begin to play.
In slavery, the rules are pretty firm, and once a slave has started down that path, they become ingrained. The eye contacts, the tone, the service, the considerations and expectations.
Those things might fade with time and disuse, but they are, and always will be, based in a permanent mindset.
Slavery, like few other things, is deeply ingrained and doesn't fade easily.

Starting over, however, is much harder than it sounds for some.
First, there is the point where you feel ready to go out in public, to talk to others, even if it is stilted, even if it is painful to even breath the air every day. Those early days are often filled with tears and stilted silences and half hearted explanations that don't really explain anything.
Then comes the friendly reunions and folks who come to offer their support, touch, hugs, warm spots and simple play to keep your brain from freezing.
With time, you find your way back to the pool of players, the people that you knew, and you find your 'new' self taking over things that your 'old' self had as well. Placemarks of our lives are not easy to avoid.

After the basic healing comes the first dating, and that is not done without much trepidation and deep fear that you aren't ready, can't do this again, will screw it up, forget the rules, be unable to perform, not have any love left for anyone. Dating, like many other things in the months to come, is one false start after another as the idea becomes less about finding happiness and more often about just finding a fuck or getting a dinner and a movie or even meeting someone you can talk to for more than 45 seconds without thinking ' loser' in your head.
There are a lot of people out there in the world seeking love and affection, and many of them mistakenly believe that BDSM is the easiest way to their own fulfillment. They aren't real players, and they don't understand just how much they stand out from the 'in crowd'.

Eventually, real people become new friends, real players become new partners for short term meetings, weekends, and the bits and pieces of 'casual' life that we most often populate our worlds with.

Then comes someone serious.
Then comes the hard part.

Suddenly, you realize you do not get to just slide into this situation, and you don't know this person's protocols or habits. Do they like petitions? Are they leather? Do they want to negotiate everything right up front? Do they expect you to have your own toys?
Suddenly, everything changes.
Standing there, you might well look around and realize that you are RUSTY. You cannot remember what you wanted on your limits list- or even to ASK about THEIR limits list.
You find yourself wondering what you should do next, even as the excitement builds and the heat starts to move into the room.
Things will never be the same as they were before.

They will be different, and you, like a work horse too long out of halter, or like a finely tuned car too long in the garage, sputter and stumble, forgetting how the basics work, forgetting even some OF the basics.
They are skills you have not used in years, ideas so familiar that they were absorbed and then washed away with your tears. Now, suddenly, after all that hard work, all that time and energy, you find yourself at a new challenge.
You have to start over.
Your toybag is full of jewels you have been, gems of your past, and you will find them as you search around in your heart and in your head. They will be there with the old tools, and those just need to be cleaned of the rust.
Time to get back up and running.

Copyright shadow,Dec. 8, 2009
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