Shadow's Essays

"Words are loaded pistols."Jean Paul Sartre ~ "The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." Anais Nin

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Location: San Jose, Ca, United States

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Whatever You Want

#11.Whatever You want
The art of serving with style.

Essays on a life of P.E.
February 24th, 2010
by shadow

Owners of flesh are human, and in most good TPE M/s relationships, that human element is alive and well.
Owners want the input of their slaves, and slaves, given their feelings on 'control' are loath to give it.
"What should we have for dinner" they are asked.
"Where do you want to go shopping?".
"What movie do you want to see?" and a million other things.

My fellow slaves and submissives all have their own ideas on their unique situations and how they feel about that. Each of them has a story to tell and a reason for what they do and why they do it.

i have my own reasons for often- heck, USUALLY- saying "whatever You want Sir'.

i am not trying to be obsequious, subservient, or even just too complacent. Nor am i trying to get attention by forcing them to ask again, nor am i just a doormat. i have very clear wants and desires, needs and likes, dislikes and a list a mile long of what i want to do or see or read or be.
i have just come to the realization that i don't LIKE IT when i get to be the one in charge.
When i make the decision, i am never surprised, never exposed to something new, and never get a chance to have things happen in some way i am unaware of.
When i make the choice, i am choosing from a list of things i already KNOW- and might not be taking other possibilities into account.
The core reason, however, is that i have chosen wisely.
This is the second relationship i have had where i was careful to make sure that we share core values, and that our lifestyles coming into M/s had lots of common values and
parallels. We have the same tastes in food, movies, wine-- we both have ashes of loved ones, we both have not just similar, but exactly the same tragedies in our pasts.
We both come from Admin. Justice backgrounds, and we both were born and raised here in the same valley- middle class kids in a middle class world.
i have chosen wisely with this man, and so it is EASY for me to just say "Whatever You want Sir", and not worry.
He wants me in His life, and so He is always aware of what i might like or dislike- and takes that into account. If it's something i dislike, i know there must be a reason, and so i am happy to be exposed to something that pleases Him.
He and i share values, likes and dislikes, so when i say those words, i know that He is going to chose something within the realm of what i also will probably like.
It drives Him nuts some days, this 'whatever You want' syndrome i have, this ability to let go so easily, this sincere happy place where i do not HAVE TO choose or control or get what i want (or think i want). i get what i want just BEING with Him now. i HAVE all the things i need- He sees to that, and He watches constantly, evaluating, learning, paying attention and filing things away. Just as i do.
We are both in that place where we want to please the other, and we want to make the other happy. THAT is what real service is all about, isn't it? BOTH parties taking care of the other, providing what they need, and feeling accepted, respected, and appreciated.
He works a second job for me, and i get up at 6am daily to get my life in order for Him.
He pays attention to every weird thing i do, runs my diet, my activities, and oversees my plans as well as keeps up with my writing. i learn what He wants, i bring Him what He needs, and i live each day in His service with everything i do as an act to please Him.
Do i care where we go for dinner? No- i trust Him.
Do i care what movies we see? No- we both like the same things and have the same tastes.
Do i care what we do sexually? heck no- He wants to do everything, He's more fucked up than i am, and He learns daily where the buttons are in me as i learn where they are in Him.
i do keep him appraised of things as they come into our lives. He hears what movies i think look good days before they come out. He knows what kinds of foods i love, and i let Him know about new restaurants, or evenings i would love to have with friends.
i give Him this information in advance, with the intent that it is for information only- He does what He wants with it, and i have no assumption that i am going to go where i mentioned or see who i mentioned.
i have given that info to Him ages before He needs it. That makes His life easier as well.

"Whatever You want Sir" is not a cop out or a flake out or a brain dead response.
It is my sincere reminder to Him that i want what makes HIM happy- because His happiness makes me feel warm to my toes.
He picks things He likes- but that are also probably what i might enjoy.
He picks things for us both.
Whatever He wants, He gets.

He wants me- and for that joy and sharing, i am already happy forever. All the other choices are just temporary.
When He chose to keep me, He gets whatever He wants. That's the way i am.

Copyright shadow, February 24th, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Mirrors of Ourselves

#9.Mutual Protection

Essays on a life of P.E.
February 26th, 2010
by shadow

How can a slave protect herself when she is not supposed to protect herself, but to turn over that protection to someone else and trust THEM to protect her?
IS the Prime Directive supposed to cover this with the caveat that it's OK for a slave to be slightly 'suspicious' and cautious for X number of days, weeks, years, in 'protection of the property' even as the Owner is supposed to BE THE ONE doing that job?

Because really, slaves cannot do both. You can't turn it over and still hold back.

This is not a 2 part test. It's a continuum we travel, turning over more and more, and with each turn of the page (turn of the screw? O. Henry's tale is actually fairly close to what this is about), we have to expose more and more of our hearts, holding back less each day, each hour, each time those lovely words happen, each time He or She handles something, each time He or She shows with their actions that they are willing to sacrifice for us.

Now-- how often do you see the term "WILLING TO SACRIFICE FOR THE SLAVE"
in all those stupid chat forums? You won't. It freaks out the fake dominants, and it scares the hell out of most of the bottoms to even MENTION that in a public forum , but really, when you get right down to it, the RELATIONSHIPS that are REAL are NOT the ones with the omnipotent Domly one lording over what they want and demand and the cringing little slavey person sending money and cleaning and begging for attention and to give service.

The ones that last are the ones where there are 2 real people both committed to making the other happy- the fact that we have more rigid interpersonal relationships, that we negotiate where power flows, that we each know both what the other expects of US and what they expect to GIVE when we start is icing on the cake of human interactions. The basics are the dating/ getting to know you period where we, as bottoms, if we are SMART and intelligent and are living with REAL expectations and NOT FAKE FANTASIES, are watching to see if the top is going to keep their word, is going to make things better for us or worse, is going to handle their commitments, be the person we want to have as a top, and even- GASP!- sacrifice parts of themselves to get US into THEIR lives.

Yeah- how's THAT for turning the tables? Out of all that fantasy and forced ritualization of our lives, the bottom line is that this is supposed to be a long lived, deeply fulfilling relationship for both parties, and in order to do THAT, the human animal on each end of it needs to see some commitment happening- which includes the other side giving up things for them, making changes for them, showing some INVESTITURE to the new relationship.

i see that every day with Him. He invests His time, His finances, His passions. i invest with my time, with my commitments to the things He has asked for (my health, diet, sleep- He asks, and i obey). Neither of us has seen a partner give THAT kind of commitment to that extent before. Now, to ME, changing my lifestyle habits is easy, natural, and i take it for granted that should He announce tomorrow that He wants me to live on nothing but coconut oil and parsley, i would do that- and keep it up until in the hospital and attached to a feeder tube. EASY for me- it's my nature.
He has never had any female in His life be willing to follow rules like that, or just sacrifice what they want because HE said so.

To HIM, changing His hours, losing sleep, driving 3 hours a day for a job just to be near me- that's the kind of commitment He is willing to do and has done in His life. He has MOVED, bought new homes, and taken on tasks and volunteer work He didn't necessarily want to up front because it would please a female partner. In EVERY case, they did not reciprocate. He seemed to be giving and giving and not getting back. To Him, taking a full time job after retirement to have money to take care of ME is just-- 'what He does' (that's a direct quote). To me, it's practically a miracle. He feels that way about what i offer Him.

So, for each of us, we are not sacrificing- we are doing what we have always done- give of ourselves to please a partner. For each of us, what we are GETTING is some incredible gift we have never had anyone give to us before.
i might be just a shade jaded, but if that isn't a great power exchange story, i don't know what is.

Copyright shadow, February 26th, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.