The Sexiest Man In The Room

#43. The Sexiest Man In The Room.
Essays on a life of P.E.

January 9th, 2012 by shadow

i need to serve God...
my Owner is my God, the morning sun and the evening moon, the center of my Universe.
i have always sought the strongest, hardest, most unmalleable man in the room to serve, to learn with, to play with.
Someone i can look up to, cannot manipulate, who is smarter in enough areas of O/our lives that it is WORTH it to me to follow His lead rather than my own way.
Someone who knows better than me in a few things.
Yes, i come with things i am not am amateur about. i am an English major/writer who can put anyone else under the table with a typewriter (keyboard). i am a great organizer, good at teaching, a professional urban wildlife expert, well educated in kinky toys and how to use them (2.5 years in Leather Masters was the graduate course after 10 years teaching/stunt cunting in the scene), and i can sew and knit, paint and draw, decorate and garden, and i am well trained in living with and advocating for special needs kids.
That doesn't mean that i don't want someone in my life who can run O/our lives, make the right decisions on the big things, and let me FOLLOW.
The man i found, i look up to, respect, and see as that center for my life.
He wants to do this, and is more than capable of handling it.
But His humility is part of what i find so attractive.
My Master - a man that can drop a fleeing problem without a second thought, a man that needs to bow to *no one*- shows the deferential respect and humility to several in the scene.
No one asked Him to, and He chose those people based on their seniority to Him, their experience, their history with me, and their *deserving* of His respect just because *they are who they are*.

It is not easy to explain, but, like the phrase famously used by United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart to describe his threshold test for pornography in Jacobellis v. Ohio (1964), "we know it when we see it".

i remember my first role model in slavery, Jeff Tucker, a man who's humility and sincerity to this day astonish me from time to time.
He wanted to learn, to be of service, and to grow. He is still a friend i keep in touch with to this day, and someone i will always respect because of his attitude about himself and his own importance. He never felt that he *knew* anything well enough to be that role model. He wal *always learning* and always an apprentice.

i doubt i could EVER be that humble and respectful. i work on it a lot , but i just doubt i have that consistent ability.
i have seen it in myself from time to time, most often once i have spent some time in subspace and with Owner.

i know some great Doms that don't necessarily exhude humility- but they don't take themselves seriously either, and i am endeared to them for their ability to laugh at themselves, to laugh with others at their foibles, to appreciate the tenuous line between "Dominant" and "Twue Domly Lord Of the Universe". They might have skills that would make the entire east coast step back and bow, but they would never claim to have them. Others would have to do that. In a way, it reflects the Old Guard ideal that no one was a "Master" of any skill set until others acknowledged that and bestowed the title.

i know, and have served folks that i could come to and express my devotion and how i SEE them, and they accepted those accolades with respect and kindness. i have been in service to people who *expected* me to see them as smarter, or faster, or more of a 'master' of some technique or tool or toy, and i fulfilled my duties and got out as fast as allowable because it was hard not to just laugh at them.
Pomposity always brings out the "needle" in my energy-- i gotta needle them about it, dig just a little and see how thick their skin is. Hot air and all that. i am drawn to ego in need of a pin prick like flies to meat in summer.
Yeah, that is not very slavish, not very polite, and not very nice. i admit it, it is a character flaw of mine.
Part of my education in the scene has been to sublimate that reaction to the point where the obnoxious amongst us don't ever see it, and no one realizes that behind the mask of polite, respectful me is a little voice, holding it's belly and rolling on the floor laughing so hard i can feel the snot starting to drip from my sinus's.
Some nights i don't get too good a grip on it and then all hell might break lose. Sir "H" (who has the best grip on His humility of any man i ever met!) says that "the safety comes off" when that happens.

The reverse of that is something that i am drawn to- the humble dominant, the man who really IS capable of RAMBO tactics, can handle me with 1 hand tied behind His back, and yet, when given a compliment, cannot just smile and accept the warm. The man that is uncomfortable when i tell Him how strong He is, how much His style arouses me, how damned HOT He looks.
The men in my world that do not see themselves in that light, that become uncomfortable with the spotlight- they draw me with their tact and their humility. They leave me breathless with their lack of ego, their soft approach to the world, their patience and their quiet.
Quiet men doing incredible things, easily at home with owning me even as they ask someone to show them something, teach them something, share with them along this road. Often, the men i want to be Owned by have been the quiet ones that would rather sit and listen than blow their own horn. There is usually much more to learn at their feet than with anyone else in the room. My leather family head, Viper, is just one of those men. He does not see His work and craft as more than 'what He does", yet the respect He garners nationwide is obvious and exciting.

i remember 4 years ago at Thunder in the Mountains i went to a class with a guy from LA who was teaching theory on finding a mate in the scene. He stood up at the podium, all pretty and young and dressed "just right" and started his lecture about how he had been in the scene 2 years, already owned 3 different collared slaves, and was completely at home telling us his secrets to finding mates. He started off by telling folks that they should create false bios on collar me to learn what the people they were trying to attract often got as mail (i.e. if you are a sub, write a dom bio and read the mail that comes in). The room was pretty appalled by then, and when his next 5 min continued to spout self aggrandizing bullshit, several of us walked out. It was not just a disaster, but the beginning of the 'buffoon' label that haunts this guy to this very day. He had come in as a competent artistic bondage guy- but everyone who watched his scenes could SEE how he was worried about the bondage. about the way HE looked, about the *beauty* of the art- and didn't care one whit for the bottoms he put up, nor give aftercare to them when they were down- he was too busy with his adoring audience. The man could not find 'humility' with a dictionary already highlighted for him. He made all the classic mistakes 'newbs' and 'twe doms' make. They are so full of themselves they cannot wait to show everyone how they know everything.

i remember the first essay - a simple history of the munch actually- that i wrote in kink space. i had been around over a year, came in as a writer and researcher, and with Miss Vicky i wanted to start some 'documentation' on where this stuff came from. i had been floundering and always asking people about how things started (this was before Leather Archives had taken off or a dozen other reputable and mostly reliable sites), and felt i had done a nice job. Nothing fancy. i posted it on my own home page back on AOL, and was really proud of it.
i was shocked and dismayed when one of the leaders in the SF scene at that time trashed me totally on a public chat list for being 'assumptive' and writing without having paid my dues in the scene. There were a LOT of folks who felt that way, and over the years i have run afoul of that belief more than once. A part of me feels they are completely right. The BDSM scene is a closed community with a lot of broken screens and a few wide open windows, where the older guard (there are several kinds, and layers, and disciplines) do not always appreciate the young up starts who show up and just 'make it up on their own' without paying due deference to the folks that are teaching them.
There is at least one 'dominant' who teaches- poorly and dangerously- who had been in public about 6 months when he asked a scene veteran to show him how to do needles one night. The following month he proceeded to teach classes. The scene veteran was shocked that he was telling others how to do this, using their name as his 'mentor' when they had done no such thing, and spent months dealing with mail from people who had played with or done classes with the new needle king because the king used that veteran's name repeatedly and they felt that *that* alone was a good enough reason to trust the person.
It got messy.
i don't bring these things up to dredge old issues- they are examples of the ways we can accidentally put our foot in it, taking our ego and letting it drive the car. And, with the combination of anonymity and fluid movement of folks in and out of the scene, there is never a dearth of examples.

It is, however, also a very touchy thing within scene politics and *protocols*. In some groups, the slaves not only show deference and respect to *every top*, but the idea that any of them would ever question that is not even considered. In other circles, the pompous domly one that shows up expecting the idea automatically is laughed out of the room (or at least sniggered at from the group at the buffet table).

Hence my sudden adoration with my Owner all over again. i try to explain to Him how *i* see Him, and He begs off. i make some statement about His strength (which every slave should see in their Owner at some level) and He asks me to stop. i try to describe to Him the man i personally know in His personality, in His actions, in the way He THINKS about Ownership, control, play & me. He becomes uncomfortable with that. As He would if anyone said such a thing. Other men He works with look up to Him and respect Him, rely on Him and expect Him to protect those in His charge, yet He has no ego. Puffery does not become Him. " Needing others to show Him 'respect' is not something He asks for, nor wants.
A lady on line posted "In my opinion, humility is incredibly important in any individual - especially a Master", and i felt the pull of total agreement.
My Owner is a natural with a whip, but He has said that it will be years of constant use before He will allow the idea that He has 'mastered' it to be voiced. i love that. His abilities with a gun however, come from 30 years of use- He was a Master of that item before He ever found me. He is in awe of the men and women that have those whip skills and share them with Him, and enjoys their company as He grows. But He will never lose the humility of His soul, which is, actually, much more attractive than anything else a person can bring into the room.
i envy that, and keep working on it.



Copyright shadow, January 9th, 2012
All rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.comfor permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Being afraid of yourself

#42. Slave Diaries- Being afraid of yourself.
Introspection and the good path.


Essays on a life of P.E.
Jan. 7th, 2012
By shadow


Funny how you sing along to something for decades and then one day the lyrics really SINK IN...
i have been having some conversations with folks who are just 1-2 years into WIITWD, and for the SMART ones, they are questioning themselves, what they thought before they arrived here, what they think they might want.
The Sadists spend time questioning just WHERE they will stop- if given complete control over someone, what will be the place where that darkness will recede and the men or woman they thought they were will emerge- be it a single scene, or a lifetime of play.
i have watched this over and over and over again in my oh so short time in the scene, people who have fantasies in their head, misery in their lives, marriages that are dead things they maintain like watering withered plants, who find a munch, or a chat group, who write me or join Fetlife or come to an event and stand at the edges...
salivating.
Hungry for the banquet in front of them, unable to comprehend that this is REAL and not just their own personal wank world, that it's NOT just fiction for movies and people who write books and don't really believe...
it exists.
They come, they want to know about it ALL right now, and they start to play, and meet, and talk and learn and buy toys and make things and get to have those extraordinary orgasms from the sheer THRILL of it all.
For the sadists, they get hard (wet- take your pick here) when they grab that slave by the hair, pull out a knife, or sink their teeth in.
They get excited just HANDLING the damned rope in their homes, and spend their free moments daily considering what they want to do next, who they want to play with, how to get out of the house, where they will dump the kids for the weekend, how to make enough cash to pay for the toy.
They want to do it all, and every day their fantasies get a little more..... dark.
More deep. More bloody.
As time goes by, they find themselves afraid to play- afraid of what they are becoming. They wanted to throw that flogger over and over and more than once had to apologize to someone because they never heard the yellow, never noticed the tears, deliberately let one more blow land before backing off.
They feel horribly guilty about that- they are turning into monsters, they are unable to fuck like nice people anymore, they don't WANT that stupid marriage they are in, they want to run riot and let it all out of the cage, stop listening to the saner voice in their head, quit paying attention to the screams and just bathe in the blood and the pain and the horror.
They are suddenly afraid of themselves.

The situation is different if you are in the public scene- here, we have classes that offer insight, books you can read freely that will give you perspective, discussion groups to make friends and forge the bonds so that you know you are NOT some animal, and this is not some horrible disease we have.
In vanilla life, you can often tell who IS someone who found their sadism outside of community, and once they saw their own beast ran screaming back into their closet, slammed the door and now sees all kink as dangerous perversions.
They are the religious zealots, the political hacks, the 'one true way' believers.

Here in the scene, we all go through those times when we need to look inside and often wonder if what we see is real- and if the future we extrapolate from our current play thoughts is one of terror and pain, where we will end up as victims of our unleashed passions.
We won't of course. We will get over the alienation we find inside us upon meeting these sexual feelings that no one ever told us about. We will find out psychological keys and make sense out of the threads we read that strike a chord in our hearts. We find partners that give us safe harbor to explore what we NEED to do while being safe and honest with us so we never feel we are taking advantage of another person.
We find those magical bubbles of intense human bonding that no one ever told us about- the intimacy of the dance.
We have fallen through the Looking glass ( a phrase i used at my first South Bay Discussion Group in 2000 to describe how i personally felt about suddenly finding this whole community), and we are seeing that we will NOT be swept away in the flood of strange tears with wild beasts. We understand the path, and we can plot the next move of the chess pieces in our heart.
Most of us never find that one partner (or that one poly family) with the right balance for our needs, the right balance of gifts they bring and offerings from us they will accept. For *most* of the people in BDSM, they will consider themselves blessed if they find happiness in stretches of 1 to 2 years between periods of being alone again.
Some will come into this scene and find the language that defines their fantasies, and leave again to meet their play partners back in vanilla lands- sometimes without ever letting on to those others what they really harbor behind their eyes.
Some will come here, find their kinks, and then feel sated and need to move on to other things that are their new 'hearts desire'.
Some come here and realize that what they had in their head was MORE than want they wanted, and to live it out in the flesh is not as good, not as fun, not as fulfilling.
For a small few of us, we will come through the mirror and instantly, irrevocably feel "home", knowing that we might well not find a lover forever, but we have crossed our own personal Rubicon and can never go back to living in a world where the ideas of power exchange are considered dangerous, where impact play is shunned, where people fear to talk about their feelings and it is considered *smart* and *safe* to hide what is in one's heart.

i find that stupid in the extreme. The isolation in vanilla life of living inside your own head and never truly trusting those around you with EVERYTHING is now, 14 years later, impossible for me to imagine. The idea of manipulating your partner by with holding what you want, misrepresenting things based on your own assumptions about what your partner MIGHT be thinking just appalls me.

So here you are, standing in the window of the candy store, hunger gnawing in your head, and yet the fear of what you might become, what you might DO given half a chance, makes you nervous, and worried that this is the wrong path.

My own thoughts on this are: So long as you are worried, so long as you are concerned, you are fine. It's the one's that DON'T care about their partners, that DO want to play in secret, alone in the dark with their demons and a partner in chains, that worry me.
When you find yourself in the bubble, SHARING that power with another, feeling with them, breathing with them, FEEDING off them because they want this as much as you do, fight it as hard, and live waiting for the next scene- that's the best of all.

Which brings me back to the music playing inside my head. The time between finding out that you belong here, and the moment you have the partner that lets you fly.



Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Waiting (copyright TP&H, From "Hard Promises" 1981 LINK CLICK HERE)

Oh baby don't it feel like heaven right now
Don't it feel like somethin' from a dream
Yeah I've never known nothing quite like this
Don't it feel like tonight might never be again
We know better than to try and pretend
Baby no one could have ever told me 'bout this

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Well Yeah I might have chased a couple of women around
All it ever got me was down
Then there were those that made me feel good
But never as good as I feel right now
Baby you're the only one that's ever known how
To make me wanna live like I wanna live now

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you
Don't let 'em kill you baby, don't let 'em get to you
I'll be your breathin' heart, I'll be your cryin' fool
Don't let this go to far, don't let it get to you



Copyright shadow, January 7th, 2012

All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Leaps of Faith

#57. Leaps of Faith, and Trusting in the Universe .
Essays on a life of P.E.
June 22, 2010 by shadow

Last night i went to a discussion group, and the topic, within M/s and D/s relationships, was

"Trust sometimes involves a leap of faith, and in this life style we frequently trust our counterparts
(and our colleagues) (and also ourselves?) to an extent that risks much.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and more.
What are these leaps of faith that we must make? Are the small ones any less big than the big ones?
How do we do it? What happens wen we don't do it? Why don't we do it, sometimes?
How can we become better at doing it?
And what in the heck compels us to continue doing it?"

i loved running into this because of the recent turn of events in my life.
i have, to some extent or another, never risked so much that there was 'no where to go' if things failed.
i have never put my last dollar into a venture, never gone anywhere with a total stranger without someone knowing, never pushed my life to the breaking point without having a sure knowledge that there was someone, somewhere, that could bail me out.
i had my parents up until long past my son's birth 17 years ago.
i planned things so that, while we might be 'flying by the seat of our pants' day to day cash flow wise, there was a steady build up of reserves and something to fall back on when things got rough.


In my emotional life, i did that as well. Early on, i learned the valuable lesson about how lovers part.
Don't yell.
It doesn't matter if you think he's a bastard- yelling that at him won't change it.
It doesn't matter if you HAVE to scream at her about your undying need for her- she won't stay.
Begging and whining and pleading and crying don't make people stay- if they cared enough for that to sway them, they wouldn't be leaving in the first place.
Like death, using the 5 stages as weapons at a partner are, in the end, not going to slow the grim reaper OR that lover as they walk out the door. Denial only makes them shake their head and wonder why they cannot get through to you. Anger makes them want to flee sooner. Bargaining- be it promises of 'being better' or offering to change things- should have been done LONG before the official relationship pink slip arrives under your bedroom door.

Using that as a basis of logic, i have tried to never have any 'famous final scenes" when parting, although i did once have someone return to pick things up WITH the person that had taken my place in their affections. i DID throw things assist him in moving out in that instance. It was stupid on their part to not think what they were doing, and a nice release of energy on my part as their belongings went over the fence.

Knowing this, people can also surmise that i do NOT enter into love lightly.
i look, i plan, i watch. Yes, every man or woman i have ever fallen in love with i KNEW were going to be important to me the first time i laid eyes on them, and in at least 2 cases i KNEW i had already begun to fall in love with them in that instant.
i knew, i was smitten, i was a goner, i was hooked.
That did not mean, however, that i did not 'hedge my bets' and 'cover my ass'.
In vanilla life, i might well be sitting home waiting for a phone call- but i would never let them know it, and i always played the casual, cool siren. Grace Kelly had nothin' on me. If they were boys, i would become their friend long before i let them know just how much i cared about them, and make sure that i was not barking up the wrong tree. i might date them and love them and call them my boyfriend, but i never got possessive. i not only did not want to be THAT clingy little bitch, but there was also a deep part of me that, being poly, might not have understood the feelings at the time, but sure gravitated to the idea that "so long as i am being loved and cared for, there is no reason they cannot also enjoy the company of others.... and so can i!".
There was *one* boy in high school that decided - just before Sr. Prom- to dump me in favor of the other person he was also seeing. She had given him sad stories of herself that were all fabrications, but i knew better than to try to overturn true love.
i never confronted him about that. i did, however, gather 4 friends in a van and drive to her home very early that June morning on the heels of a 3 day heat wave, armed with red wine and eggs, and turned her car into a traveling Jackson Pollock. By the time she went outside the wine had eaten off what paint was not sealed under the now cooked eggs. The 5 of us had breakfast at the International House of justice and revenge. With syrup.

From that day forward however, i realized that even that was hollow- it did nothing to sooth the pain inside, and i never wanted ANYONE to see that pain again. To admit to letting someone INSIDE so far that they could hurt me that badly was to admit being stupid, being unable to control my life, being vulnerable and being at someone's mercy. THEY controlled how my life would be. What would i do if i TOLD someone how much i cared, and it scared them off? What would happen if i SHARED that kind of commitment with someone who changed their mind? i would be alone, bereft, and unable to trust them.
In a way, however, i had already lost trust. Probably even before puberty had fully formed, i had lost the ability to trust ANYONE with the really scary things in my heart. With my needs. With the horrors i felt at the idea of being abandoned, being abused, being left behind.
Another thing i learned in college was the psychology of relationships almost invariably involves one person being 'more committed' than the other. One side has more power than the other, one side is more emotionally vested.
even as i dated trying to find an M/s relationship without knowing what that was, i was equally committed to being "Miss Independent" and taking care of myself included NEVER being farther in that the other party. My poly lifestyle (i dated 3 different men on and off interchangeably back then- all of them knew of the others, and all but 1 had been introduced to all the others) not withstanding, i kept that small part of myself where the PAIN could be caused tightly under lock and key.
So i learned to never,ever, fall more in love with someone than they were with me. That led to several inappropriate relationships and lots of interesting strange dates, but felt more like 'marking time' than seriously searching for my life to begin.
Then i met and began to love my spouse. Still insecure, still uncertain, i enjoyed being the responsible one, the more in charge one. My need for independence and to show the world as well as my relatives that i was capable of taking care of myself led me to find someone that i would always be able to dominate. A lovely situation if a girl wants to be in control, or a perfect example of what Gloria Steinham said "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. "

i stayed, and i grew and i learned, and i took some chances, but only one true leap- that of planning to become pregnant and have a child. No one can predict that, nor can anyone guarantee any part of the process no matter how small, how minor. Your whole world is up for grabs then, and nothing will ever be the same no matter how confident and sure you are.

i never regretted that particular leap, but i did learn quite a bit about my life partner along the way.
He was unable to make that kind of leap of faith. He could not just trust *anything* or anyone.

Meanwhile, the inner core of the slave in me was squirming to get out, and becoming less happy with each day.i rented a movie and stumbled upon the sexuality i craved, bought books and found the desires i needed, got a computer and found out what the real vocabulary of it all was, what was possible, and that i lived in Kink Central. And unlike the Ghostbusters, ANYONE could go out and capture some of that good stuff. But i still did not have *faith* in that larger than life sense.

i had to learn about trusting people to physically be careful, to not damage me while creating sensations that make people wince.
i had to find trusting places where i could give information and not have it come back to haunt me.
i had my personal trust of my confidential information violated, and learned the old phrase "fool me once, shame on you- fool me again, shame on me". She/ they will never fool me again. Once was enough.
Physically, i had a few close calls. i made choices based on being 'good' rather than 'smart'. i learned how to protect myself and be a fair and equal partner in BDSM play. i deepened my beliefs in being independent enough to take care of me. i learned to NOT make leaps of faith when it comes to play, to my personal well being, to non-romantic situations.
i will NEVER advocate anyone new and seeking their joy to just jump into things, and will forever encourage newbies to hold back, to provide safety nets and safe calls and back up plans, to learn and take their time.

Yet in 2003, as i was grilling a new gentleman over the phone (can you say 20 questions would never have been enough?) and learning to trust him and believe in him, i was accidentally giving in to faith, into believing in things unspoken, and into trusting that he would take care of things.
4.5 years later, that rug too was pulled out- and the devastation was nuclear. i had let him teach me to trust, and allowed him inside all the sacred spaces. His leaving was the horror i waited my whole life to avoid, the one most terrible of all the terribles. Like losing a parent or a child, losing an Owner - and the collar that i felt would be forever- wiped out a core part of my ability to function, and took away the security of 'having faith'.

i abandoned a lot of things, and spent time trying to remember to breath some days. i swore i would never, ever, ever let anyone do that again. i had to discard my heart because it was too broken to repair- and wasn't THAT the whole point of my M/s life choices- to be safe enough to offer that fragile orb and have it carried safely without fear of damage?
i grew a new one, slowly, and spent months agonizing over HOW i would re-enter this life.
i put out an advertisement, and i 'interviewed' for months, even as i dated that core of soft hearts that protected me, even as i leaned on my leather family to keep me unbruised while i tried to learn to do this again. i knew i was too young to just walk away, and that the Universe still had some surprises for me.

i took a little leap when i announced i was ready to being dating again. It was a social leap- risking only my pride a bit. After all, i might never find anyone to share myself with- let alone a dominant partner with the potential to actually LIVE with.
i took a bigger leap of faith one night on facebook when i wrote to a photo that seemed eerily like an old love of mine. Nothing more risked than a social gaff, worst case scenario that he remembered me with less than joy. At most to lose, the memory of something special and the hope that i might find that again some day.

Sometimes however, no matter how we plan for things to be a certain way, no matter how we assume our day will go, things happen. Sunspots occur. Owls come sit on your roof, the calendar becomes Friday the 13th, your period arrives early or your car explodes. What you prepared for suddenly is NOT what is happening right in front of you.

i went for coffee, to flirt a bit, to reminisce, to see how the years and the miles had worn on perfect moment in my life. i thought it would be light, chatty, and i would be asked some questions and then patted on the head and sent off down the road. i went prepared to share some laughs and touch my innocence for just a little while before i came back to my reality.

He came as well to chat, to laugh, to get some information and flirt just a bit and then go back to the carefully planned life he had put in motion. He had no intention of offering even a smidgen of vulnerability. He never planned on having the whole world *tilt* on a new axis. Yet somehow, every word out of my mouth seemed to change his planned direction and every new word out of his mouth changed the color of the sun and within just a few hours, we had each offered the other a new choice.

A precipice was before us.
Each time we spoke, we agreed- this was what we wanted, and what we would commit to. And i had to make that internal choice. Would i, for once in my life, just trust without proofs up front? They had not helped me in the past- but then again, i had also only had just the *one* crash and burn- there are people out there who's lives are emotional crash test dummies as they practice the art of rushing in.

So, i had to spend some time thinking about this chance- this one perfect golden moment.
i had already survived the worst thing that can happen to a slave, and the worst fear of anyone who wanted to protect their privacy.
i was still breathing.
WHAT was i afraid of? Pain? Been there- she is now an old friend.
Loss of self? No sweat- i can never lose this amazing personality, it's subjugation is temporary, and the core being is stronger than steel.
Lose my family? i had already planned divorce- and my son is almost grown. i would never risk HIS happiness, but i no longer have to worry about needing to be here, raise him, nor what he thinks of mom on her own- he's supportive.
Lose money? hell- that train left with the first wave of bank foreclosures.
Risking looking like a fool, and finding out somewhere down the road that i had been duped and left behind at the end was just about the only thing i feared- but it was also the biggest of them all in many ways.

Then one day i was watching "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" with Rex Harrison and Gene Tierney. Writer Philip Dunne had caught the entire conundrum in a nutshell.

"Real happiness is worth almost any risk".

Real Happiness. *REAL* happiness, not the temporary kind, not the facade without the meat, not the happy face but the closed off heart- not the woman waiting for something *someday* instead of today. Not the fantasy of accepting blindly for a moments peace, nor the happy that comes when one has 'settled' out of fear, out of boredom, because we grow tired.

i looked into my soul and asked myself what would happen to me if i did NOT take this leap.
The slowly curdling frightened soul that stared back at me disgusted me to the core. If i 'looked the gift horse in the mouth', if i ran away from this amazing wonderful man, if i did not take the leap, i knew i was lost forever.
No one would ever be a more perfect fit to me than this man, and our reunion was no accident.
11 days later, i wrote this prose.

__Icarus__

"Don't Jump!" they yelled
up through the sky
as she stood on the precipice above
swaying
"Don't do it!" they called from the safety of the pavement
frantically watching
the lonely figure on the edge
looking down
"Stop and think!" the crowd mewled,
begging notes of anxiety
their words laced in surety
eyes shielded from the brightness and the sun
their own fears uppermost
in their admonishments
"NOOOOO!" they cried in unison
watching her lean forward
head into the wind
looking up.

As she stepped off to find the sky
They did not see the beginnings of her wings.

Dec. 18th, 2009
In His care, His pet, shadow


We never leap alone- and if we share that fear of heights with the loved one, we cannot fall- we can only fly.
This time, i am not 'building trust'.
i just have incredible faith.

Copyright shadow, May 15, 2006All rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.com for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

The Prime Directive

#200. Taking care of Your Partners Toys
Essays on a life of P.E.
March 2, 2010
by shadow


During a conversation with a new-ish person to BDSM, i was once again reminded that the internet allows ACCESS to BDSM without STRUCTURE- something we had back in the dark ages when a person could not become a member of the public community without arriving via another kinky person, going to private events, and being MENTORED.
Now a days, people google us up, show up at a public club, beat each other silly, and often have no clue about the deeper and larger foundations of WIITWD (or the acronyms- go look that one up if you need to).

The Prime Directive is one of those underpinnings that make all power exchanges both possible, and easy to do as a dance for the bottom.
The biggest problem for me when i became a power exchange player was that there were times i wanted to say 'Hey, that deep throat thing not only hurts, but i think it will fuck up my ability to speak at my class tomorrow" without feeling like i was topping from the bottom.
Being home sick in bed, i once got up and went out in the rain because i was living with a standing order to do an errand. i got much sicker.

How is a submissive or slave person supposed to both serve unconditionally and not end up killing themselves?
How are we supposed to navigate the realms of information VS selfishness and independence?
What is too much information?

The Prime Directive is the catch all for this.
Now, Star Trek fans will remember this:

"In the fictional universe of Star Trek, the Prime Directive, Starfleet's General Order #1, is the most prominent guiding principle of the United Federation of Planets. The Prime Directive dictates that there can be no interference with the internal development of pre-warp civilizations, consistent with the historical real world concept of Westphalian sovereignty. It has special implications, however, for civilizations that have not yet developed the technology for interstellar spaceflight ("pre-warp"), since no primitive culture can be given or exposed to any information regarding advanced technology or the existence of extraplanetary civilizations, lest this exposure alter the natural development of the civilization. Although this was the only application stated by Captain Kirk in "The Return of the Archons", by the 24th Century, it had been indicated to include purposeful efforts to improve or change in any way the natural course of such a society, even if that change is well-intentioned and kept completely secret.
"Pre-warp" is defined as any culture which has not yet attained warp drive technology and is thus, implicitly, unaware of the existence of alien races." Wikipedia.

"The most prominent guiding principal" is the key phrase here. It is about encompassing everything else based on something important that is designed to stop total destruction.

For kinky folks that adhere to the idea, the "Prime Directive" is simple, and applies to subs, bottoms, property, etc:

* The slave is responsible for taking care of, maintaining and protecting all her Owners toys.
* The slave is the most important toy.


Easy?
Well, once you can wrap your brain around it, yes, it is.
YOU dear bottomish person, are a toy, a tool, a plaything, a partner in BDSM.
YOU are the most important thing in your partners life, and as such, you have to protect and take care of yourself.
Are you sick? Your job is to make sure you don't get sicker until you get such orders from your partner as change that.
Did you cut yourself? You are supposed to stop and fix that, clean it, cover it before continuing with whatever you are doing.
Are you in the middle of a scene and sure that you are about to have some horrible flashback? It's your job to notify the partner that something awful is about to happen.

Within the parameters of the BDSM realm i live in, the power people want their partners happy, safe, and able to play again. We don't go the 'Boxing Helena" route because we want to play with those parts AGAIN. Most of us believe that the bottom is supposed to be taken care of and protected by the top, and that the top WANTS to make their partner happy- because, if the bottom isn't happy, they are going to leave.

How to do that is not always easy, and can be tricky for the bottom to participate in without this magical 'prime directive'.

When playing, it is your JOB to give the top all the information about what is going on with you, be it cramps, bleeding, pain, fear, or the fact that the building is on fire. You are not allowed to hide that or keep it back. Reporting on how YOU are is what YOU are there for- they aren't mind readers! Is that bondage on your hand making it go numb? Your JOB is to take care of the toy- so reporting on something UNINTENDED by the top is your job.
Playing all weekend and now you have some strange symptoms? It's your JOB to let the top know.
Supposed to go play tonight but you fell and hurt your ankle? It's your JOB to report that info before the Top begins with their plans.

Now- once you GIVE them that info, what they do with it is their decision. YOUR job is to protect the toys, and, depending on your level of Power Exchange, that could, for a basic bottom/ top pair, include calling a scene because you feel damage of some kind is imminent.
USUALLY however, it's about caring for ourselves in the day to day, moment to moment.

Bottomish persons, especially slaves and submissives, tend to want to take care of everyone else before themselves. We will push ourselves when we are not healthy, we will ignore injuries, we will cut our needed sleep or take on chores when we should not. Having the "Prime Directive" in our lives means that we have an order to NOT do those things- we have to take care of ourselves as well as our partners, family, owners, friends, jobs, lovers, etc.

Before i clean up the toys, i clean up myself. When i take time to sharpen knives, i am maintaining them just as i maintain my own body through good sleep and exercise. When i wipe off the furniture, or hang the floggers to straighten, or re-handle the canes, i am taking care of them so that they can be as good as possible- good as new- and used again. They belong to their owner, *my* owner.

So do i. And i am not allowed to do anything that will damage this property. NO self inflicted injuries (cutting, drunken stupors, driving without a seat belt, eating 50 donuts in a row), no forgetting medications, no pushing myself beyond safe limits in my day to day life.
i have to show up in my best possible condition for my partner.

It also means that, when we are learning the dance, when we are new, and getting used to each other, that the Prime Directive keeps me safe. i am SUPPOSED to be watching and evaluating that person, to make sure they can take care of me, that they know what they are doing when they pull out that toy, that they are going to make sure that i am taken care of.

It doesn't mean that we over ride their orders- but it means that we do not have to just SHUT OFF our own natural inclinations or ignore our fears for personal safety.

It takes some time to wrap one's brain around, it doesn't offer someone carte blanche to be selfish, and it is a fluid thing that becomes less and less needed over time as a partner learns about you, the individual and becomes more and more in charge of your world. YOU, bottomish power exchange person, are not in charge of your whole world anymore. But you still have to maintain yourself to be able to give yourself to another. Take care of your partners toys, for they do not belong to you, and they are important, expensive, and loved. YOU are the most cherished toy there is.


Copyright shadow, March 2, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Whatever You Want

#11.Whatever You want
The art of serving with style.

Essays on a life of P.E.
February 24th, 2010
by shadow

Owners of flesh are human, and in most good TPE M/s relationships, that human element is alive and well.
Owners want the input of their slaves, and slaves, given their feelings on 'control' are loath to give it.
"What should we have for dinner" they are asked.
"Where do you want to go shopping?".
"What movie do you want to see?" and a million other things.

My fellow slaves and submissives all have their own ideas on their unique situations and how they feel about that. Each of them has a story to tell and a reason for what they do and why they do it.

i have my own reasons for often- heck, USUALLY- saying "whatever You want Sir'.

i am not trying to be obsequious, subservient, or even just too complacent. Nor am i trying to get attention by forcing them to ask again, nor am i just a doormat. i have very clear wants and desires, needs and likes, dislikes and a list a mile long of what i want to do or see or read or be.
i have just come to the realization that i don't LIKE IT when i get to be the one in charge.
When i make the decision, i am never surprised, never exposed to something new, and never get a chance to have things happen in some way i am unaware of.
When i make the choice, i am choosing from a list of things i already KNOW- and might not be taking other possibilities into account.
The core reason, however, is that i have chosen wisely.
This is the second relationship i have had where i was careful to make sure that we share core values, and that our lifestyles coming into M/s had lots of common values and parallels. We have the same tastes in food, movies, wine-- we both have ashes of loved ones, we both have not just similar, but exactly the same tragedies in our pasts.
We both come from Admin. Justice backgrounds, and we both were born and raised here in the same valley- middle class kids in a middle class world.
i have chosen wisely with this man, and so it is EASY for me to just say "Whatever You want Sir", and not worry.
He wants me in His life, and so He is always aware of what i might like or dislike- and takes that into account. If it's something i dislike, i know there must be a reason, and so i am happy to be exposed to something that pleases Him.
He and i share values, likes and dislikes, so when i say those words, i know that He is going to chose something within the realm of what i also will probably like.
It drives Him nuts some days, this 'whatever You want' syndrome i have, this ability to let go so easily, this sincere happy place where i do not HAVE TO choose or control or get what i want (or think i want). i get what i want just BEING with Him now. i HAVE all the things i need- He sees to that, and He watches constantly, evaluating, learning, paying attention and filing things away. Just as i do.
We are both in that place where we want to please the other, and we want to make the other happy. THAT is what real service is all about, isn't it? BOTH parties taking care of the other, providing what they need, and feeling accepted, respected, and appreciated.
He works a second job for me, and i get up at 6am daily to get my life in order for Him.
He pays attention to every weird thing i do, runs my diet, my activities, and oversees my plans as well as keeps up with my writing. i learn what He wants, i bring Him what He needs, and i live each day in His service with everything i do as an act to please Him.
Do i care where we go for dinner? No- i trust Him.
Do i care what movies we see? No- we both like the same things and have the same tastes.
Do i care what we do sexually? heck no- He wants to do everything, He's more fucked up than i am, and He learns daily where the buttons are in me as i learn where they are in Him.
i do keep him appraised of things as they come into our lives. He hears what movies i think look good days before they come out. He knows what kinds of foods i love, and i let Him know about new restaurants, or evenings i would love to have with friends.
i give Him this information in advance, with the intent that it is for information only- He does what He wants with it, and i have no assumption that i am going to go where i mentioned or see who i mentioned.
i have given that info to Him ages before He needs it. That makes His life easier as well.

"Whatever You want Sir" is not a cop out or a flake out or a brain dead response.
It is my sincere reminder to Him that i want what makes HIM happy- because His happiness makes me feel warm to my toes.
He picks things He likes- but that are also probably what i might enjoy.
He picks things for us both.
Whatever He wants, He gets.


He wants me- and for that joy and sharing, i am already happy forever. All the other choices are just temporary.
When He chose to keep me, He gets whatever He wants. That's the way i am.

Copyright shadow, February 24th, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Mirrors of Ourselves

#9.Mutual Protection

Essays on a life of P.E.
February 26th, 2010
by shadow

How can a slave protect herself when she is not supposed to protect herself, but to turn over that protection to someone else and trust THEM to protect her?
IS the Prime Directive supposed to cover this with the caveat that it's OK for a slave to be slightly 'suspicious' and cautious for X number of days, weeks, years, in 'protection of the property' even as the Owner is supposed to BE THE ONE doing that job?
Because really, slaves cannot do both. You can't turn it over and still hold back.


This is not a 2 part test. It's a continuum we travel, turning over more and more, and with each turn of the page (turn of the screw? O. Henry's tale is actually fairly close to what this is about), we have to expose more and more of our hearts, holding back less each day, each hour, each time those lovely words happen, each time He or She handles something, each time He or She shows with their actions that they are willing to sacrifice for us.

Now-- how often do you see the term "WILLING TO SACRIFICE FOR THE SLAVE" in all those stupid chat forums? You won't. It freaks out the fake dominants, and it scares the hell out of most of the bottoms to even MENTION that in a public forum , but really, when you get right down to it, the RELATIONSHIPS that are REAL are NOT the ones with the omnipotent Domly one lording over what they want and demand and the cringing little slavey person sending money and cleaning and begging for attention and to give service.

The ones that last are the ones where there are 2 real people both committed to making the other happy- the fact that we have more rigid interpersonal relationships, that we negotiate where power flows, that we each know both what the other expects of US and what they expect to GIVE when we start is icing on the cake of human interactions. The basics are the dating/ getting to know you period where we, as bottoms, if we are SMART and intelligent and are living with REAL expectations and NOT FAKE FANTASIES, are watching to see if the top is going to keep their word, is going to make things better for us or worse, is going to handle their commitments, be the person we want to have as a top, and even- GASP!- sacrifice parts of themselves to get US into THEIR lives.

Yeah- how's THAT for turning the tables? Out of all that fantasy and forced ritualization of our lives, the bottom line is that this is supposed to be a long lived, deeply fulfilling relationship for both parties, and in order to do THAT, the human animal on each end of it needs to see some commitment happening- which includes the other side giving up things for them, making changes for them, showing some INVESTITURE to the new relationship.

i see that every day with Him. He invests His time, His finances, His passions. i invest with my time, with my commitments to the things He has asked for (my health, diet, sleep- He asks, and i obey). Neither of us has seen a partner give THAT kind of commitment to that extent before. Now, to ME, changing my lifestyle habits is easy, natural, and i take it for granted that should He announce tomorrow that He wants me to live on nothing but coconut oil and parsley, i would do that- and keep it up until in the hospital and attached to a feeder tube. EASY for me- it's my nature.
He has never had any female in His life be willing to follow rules like that, or just sacrifice what they want because HE said so.

To HIM, changing His hours, losing sleep, driving 3 hours a day for a job just to be near me- that's the kind of commitment He is willing to do and has done in His life. He has MOVED, bought new homes, and taken on tasks and volunteer work He didn't necessarily want to up front because it would please a female partner. In EVERY case, they did not reciprocate. He seemed to be giving and giving and not getting back. To Him, taking a full time job after retirement to have money to take care of ME is just-- 'what He does' (that's a direct quote). To me, it's practically a miracle. He feels that way about what i offer Him.

So, for each of us, we are not sacrificing- we are doing what we have always done- give of ourselves to please a partner. For each of us, what we are GETTING is some incredible gift we have never had anyone give to us before.
i might be just a shade jaded, but if that isn't a great power exchange story, i don't know what is.


Copyright shadow, February 26th, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#41. Who are You?

Being honest about being yourself.

Essays on a life of P.E.
April 23, 2009
by shadow



Each of us has a bio of some kind, and what it is says a lot about us, not necessarily in words. The phrasing we use, the kinds of examples we give, the pieces of our lives we share all add to that total on line picture of us.

As do our first meetings and the things we do/ wear/ say/ think at that time.

Recently i read a long winded discussion about meeting a dominant male the first time and if potential slaves and subs should or shouldn't 'dress as requested'. It was the jumping off point of my thoughts about dating, about me, and about finding that ultimate partner.

Let me just start with a simple idea. If you are wrong for each other, you are wrong for each other and all the care and attention to trying to please the other or impress the other or test the other will just prolong the amount of time it takes to come to this realization.

Yes, people can change- but not drastically, and not without deep reasons. Yes, people can give terrible first impressions and turn out to be exactly who you dreamed of sharing yourself with.

Keeping those things in mind, the flip side is, if they turn you off right away, they probably aren't what you were looking for. A good example of this is my ever changing bio on Fetlife.

It's long these days. i keep adding things that i think are important. If a great dominant stumbles across it and hates reading it, then they aren't the right one for me. Why? Because i AM a writer, and i love writing and i need to have an Owner that WANTS to read my stuff as i create it, and to critique the ideas and assumptions for me. So right off the bat, someone that sees that page of text and doesn't want to read it (barring just not in the mood at that moment or has just lost their reading glasses, etc.) probably isn't the ultimate collar for me in the future.

I get into 'bitchy' modes. Once in a while, i also get into ego stroke range and need to show off just how bitchy i can be- and i POST those bitches, gripes, complaints, and slaps. The man that can see those and LAUGHS is probably someone that will appreciate me. The man that reads those and shakes head and thinks "that is unacceptable in my property, but something i can work on" is possibly someone that i can serve with commitment and love. The man who reads one of those bitch slaps and gets all twerpy pissed off and takes uber offense at 'that crap from some bitch who doesn't know the meaning of the term slavery' is someone who doesn't know the meaning of the term slavery and is not going to either appreciate me or get along well with me.

So my honesty in posting-- even when i have not thought it out well at the moment- is a window into who i am and what kind of woman lives in this brain. The Owner out there that seeks one to serve and respect them will WANT to have a deep well of information to play with, and WANT to have a woman of strong temperment and emotion to corral, and WANT to look at all that as 'good stuff to mold'. Being me and trying to post as honestly as possible is helping, not hindering my search.

Should i have censored each thing for how politically correct it is, i would not be showing such a real picture. It might be more pleasing to more men, it might bring more replies and invites, but eventually all those excess meetings and dances in the dark would prove futile, because the person they thought i was in print was a watered down censored version of the colorful flamboyant sensitive woman i really am.

The same holds true for first meetings. i am cautious by nature, and i want to get to know someone before i expose too much of the easily wounded parts of me. That means keeping my wits about me and staying OUT of slave space early on while i evaluate how i feel and watch what he does. Many great Owners that i know have stated that they WANT to tell a woman what to wear- or at least suggest the style that they like to see on a gal- in order to get some eye candy and to see if the woman really is interested in following suggestions or orders early on. For them, it weeds out the wanna-bees and they are stripping off one layer of protective camouflage so they can get a better glimpse of the woman they are considering. They want their coffee date to be exhibiting some of the traits they are looking for, and submission, both in her demeanor as well as her clothing (or lack there of) is part of that for them.

The good ones know, however, that ALL the scum want to dictate what you wear on a first meeting, with lots of suggestive clothing and fantasy fulfillment involved (they don't get past coffee too damned often, so they layer it on while they can). The newer men to M/s and D/s do this as well, because they are still learning and have more fiction than reality to work with. New young women are eager to please and DO dress the part as asked without question. Unless they are scooped up off the planet on their first date and live happily ever after with that one man of their dreams, they will not always be so mallable. They will eventually grow older and get burnt a few times and scared a few times and have men ask them to do things that they did even when uncomfortable, often with disasterous results. They will spend hours dressing for dates that don't show, they will dress inappropriately for work so they can meet up at lunch or right afterward, and maybe put their jobs in jeopardy. They will dress in clothes that make them uncomfortable and end up giving a bad first impression. They will spend money to have EXACTLY what the gentleman asked for, then he will dismiss them and the fetish wear they personally hate.

We slaves and subs and bottoms are made to be manipulated, but over time we often grow protective shells and skin like leather. The good girl is still inside there, still awaiting the right moment, the right situation, the right man, the right Owner. She just isn't always right out on display the first moment she is asked by someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a virtual stranger she is meeting for the first time.

For me, i want to dress appropriately feminine, slightly more vulnerable than usual, and always with taste and an eye towards what looks best on me, that day, for that first meeting. Should the man be an ardent lover of fishnets, i would have to mention that i don't own any right now, but that i do have a pair of something laddered that he might appreciate. i would not go out and spend money on fishnets (they are hell on my feet for standing around in, biting into the heels in many of my good shoes), but i would make it clear that i am MORE than happy to oblige should our relationship continue for any length of time. i would stand on fucking fishnets till hell froze over once i found another love of merit in my heart.

What probably would turn off 90% of the men i might meet for coffee is still EXACTLY what the owner of my dreams wants. He wants a girl that is NOT throwing herself at every 'dominant' that crawls up to her door. He wants a girl that is thrifty enough to not spend money she doesn't have taking a flyer on a coffee date. He wants a girl that can keep her wits about her and protect herself when he is not there to do so for her- and that means using her common sense and being cautious about how much she exposes both physically and mentally to the new men she meets.

My belief in safe calls, even for coffee dates, is legendary, and i teach that every woman is meeting a stranger that first time, no matter what she learned on the phone and internet. Even if he has 'references', if those aren't coming from her PERSONAL friends who know him well and know her well and know where you both live, then they are suspect. So i create safe calls for coffee dates. The owner of my future likes this idea. His property is no fool, and she takes basic precautions when she is not with those who are her Owners. He expects to arrive for a meet up and have me evetually have to excuse myself to get the phone or make a call. He would not impede that idea by either demanding i ignore the phone nor would he tell me "Do NOT make any calls without my permission" (yes, i had one do that last year in SF. It was a very exspensive dinner for him since he ignored every signal and warning i sent out about his demeanor and demands). Would i ever take any call but an important one while meeting up with a potential Owner? Hell no! The man out there understands that, and has already evaluated several dozen women that have not risen to certain standards, including rude phone chats while on a date. he can tell he difference between a short check in and a chatter fest with a friend. He is aware of both sides of the coin, and i am aware that He is evaluating me.

Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is a process, and the honesty you show from the outset makes that process easier for other honest seekers. Yes, it gives the dishonest manipulative ones more hard facts to use, but they are also at a disadvantage, for they do not understand that a smart slave is evaluating not just what they are and what they do and say and wear, but we are evaluating THEM at the same time.

Men who take no power at all on a date worry me-- have they been burnt and are cautious, have they had a rough day and want some down time and are not making this first date important, or are they just not that kind of Owner? Men who fail to dress at all for a date send out clear signals to me that i need to be aware and evaluate them further- are they naturally super casual, were they coming direct from work, or do they just not have anything appropriate for first dates?

Most of us know, within a few moments of meeting eye to eye and face to face, if the person across from us sparks something, makes us damp, gets our attention, or brings out the NEED to take control. After that moment, we have changed the nature of the meeting, for we now have something to lose. We have smelled fresh meat, and wanted to taste it. We have been happy with all the lead up information and now the in person contact has whetted our appetite for more.

Once we want more, then we have a whole new set of reasons to be 'unreal'. Wanting to please someone very much rather than show our feelings over issues and ideals, rules and philosophies of M/s. Wanting to impress on the woman your style, your demanding nature, how powerful you are sexually. Once we have made that basic "Yes/ No" decision we have a bit of an emotional attachment forming and we want things to go well.

That is another time when we are most suspect and likely to fall back on dishonest, but BDSM socially correct behaviors. False giggles. Chest puffing. Age regression. Control and decision making.

If we do them out of a desire to please but they are not something we are comfortable with, then we are still dooming the relationship. If we do them because they come naturally in the situation and feel right, then we are showing the honesty and growth potential in the power exchange.

Being "the best you can be" is honest, and something to strive for, but if what you do is behavior that is not normally and something you are not going to be repeating, they you are leaving false expectations on the partners side. And example is the infamous nipple tweak. If she hates that, and you never normally do it, then you might have run off a potential girl with a behavior that she dislikes intensely. If she loves it, she will want you to tweak her nipple regularly as part of your relationship - and if she loves that kind of thing, she will become ultimately dissappointed in you and the behaviors you exhibited only for courting.

Doing something to show you CAN when you never will again as a dominant partner is just as bad as submitting to something you hate hoping never to do it again and knowing it is a deal breaker in the long run for the sub. It creates false expectations.

Creating impressions is never easy, but should we try to mitigate things about us by manipulating them for the sake of others possible interpretations is not a good philosophy.

Your bio is you. When long and involved, it says something about you. When totally absent, it still says something about you. When written with humor, it says that you are a funny person who expects to entertain and laugh. When written in haste, it shows that you have not put time into showing a potential partner what you care about. Those might or might not be things that are true about you, but before someone can take the time to get to know you, they have to be attracted to SOMETHING about you first. The more they find in those first impressions, the better your chances at having a deeper relationship with them.

Do not fret about what others say you should or shouldn't do, or mull over how you wrote or said or did something afterward. You were being yourself. The right partner will see that, and want that, even if the particular action or post was not your best. The right partner will be tempermentally suited to your natural self. If they are not, they are probably not going to be the right partner for you.

You are a unique cup of tea, but you are not everyone's cup of tea. Who are you?

Copyright 4/23/09 shadow.


All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#88 Diamonds and Rust

Essays on a life of P.E.
December 8th, 2009
by shadow



When a relationship ends, especially an M/s based one, both parties usually take a lot of time to try to find their bearings. The deeper and more committed the relationship, the longer that takes to being feeling "ready" to enter the world again, to laugh, to talk, to begin to play.
In slavery, the rules are pretty firm, and once a slave has started down that path, they become ingrained. The eye contacts, the tone, the service, the considerations and expectations.
Those things might fade with time and disuse, but they are, and always will be, based in a permanent mindset.
Slavery, like few other things, is deeply ingrained and doesn't fade easily.

Starting over, however, is much harder than it sounds for some.
First, there is the point where you feel ready to go out in public, to talk to others, even if it is stilted, even if it is painful to even breath the air every day. Those early days are often filled with tears and stilted silences and half hearted explanations that don't really explain anything.
Then comes the friendly reunions and folks who come to offer their support, touch, hugs, warm spots and simple play to keep your brain from freezing.
With time, you find your way back to the pool of players, the people that you knew, and you find your 'new' self taking over things that your 'old' self had as well. Placemarks of our lives are not easy to avoid.

After the basic healing comes the first dating, and that is not done without much trepidation and deep fear that you aren't ready, can't do this again, will screw it up, forget the rules, be unable to perform, not have any love left for anyone. Dating, like many other things in the months to come, is one false start after another as the idea becomes less about finding happiness and more often about just finding a fuck or getting a dinner and a movie or even meeting someone you can talk to for more than 45 seconds without thinking ' loser' in your head.
There are a lot of people out there in the world seeking love and affection, and many of them mistakenly believe that BDSM is the easiest way to their own fulfillment. They aren't real players, and they don't understand just how much they stand out from the 'in crowd'.

Eventually, real people become new friends, real players become new partners for short term meetings, weekends, and the bits and pieces of 'casual' life that we most often populate our worlds with.

Then comes someone serious.
Then comes the hard part.

Suddenly, you realize you do not get to just slide into this situation, and you don't know this person's protocols or habits. Do they like petitions? Are they leather? Do they want to negotiate everything right up front? Do they expect you to have your own toys?
Suddenly, everything changes.
Standing there, you might well look around and realize that you are RUSTY. You cannot remember what you wanted on your limits list- or even to ASK about THEIR limits list.
You find yourself wondering what you should do next, even as the excitement builds and the heat starts to move into the room.
Things will never be the same as they were before.

They will be different, and you, like a work horse too long out of halter, or like a finely tuned car too long in the garage, sputter and stumble, forgetting how the basics work, forgetting even some OF the basics.
They are skills you have not used in years, ideas so familiar that they were absorbed and then washed away with your tears. Now, suddenly, after all that hard work, all that time and energy, you find yourself at a new challenge.
You have to start over.
Your toybag is full of jewels you have been, gems of your past, and you will find them as you search around in your heart and in your head. They will be there with the old tools, and those just need to be cleaned of the rust.
Time to get back up and running.



Copyright shadow,Dec. 8, 2009
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#29. Run Through the Jungle

Essays on a life of P.E.
June 2006
by shadow



I spend a great deal of time reading what other BDSM writers have out on the net, and ran across a great old article of Kayla Kuffs about Doms pushing their partners limits. It was informative, clear, and had a great deal of stuff in it that I respect.

Quickly on, however, I noticed that it was rather one sided. It was all about submissives (or bottoms, or slaves, or whatever you would like to call the half in the power exchange that is NOT in charge) feelings and issues when *they* are pushed.

Being the slut I am, I immediately jumped to the other side of the PE coin. What about when slaves push Dominants?

"What in hell?" you say? "How could that be?"
Yes, I am talking about when the bottom pushes the Top.
This is entirely different from "topping from below," which is a manipulation game that is often to the detriment of both parties and makes honest communications difficult.

Submissives pushing the Dominant’s limits is far different. One example might be Doms that find their new partner wants to do things that have bothered them for years. The Dom then has to evaluate both the relationship as a whole, and how much this topic or issue might affect the couple, as well as their own inner edges and desires. Sometimes, if a Dom finds out early enough in the courtship period that the bottom has desires that they are not comfortable with, there is a happy parting of the ways. Once a couple has joined up for a more long term relationship, the topic needs to be considered differently.

Some Doms have hard limits that they will NOT cross (blood sports, breath play, rape games, etc.) even though they are important hot buttons for their partners. Rather than pushing their own limits, they might loan their partners out to someone else for those games, or learn to play them in a much more acceptable way that still fulfills the submissives needs.

Pushing the Dom might well be something as simple as time management. High maintenance slaves and subs that are partnered with Doms who have already full lives will invariably be pushed by their partners to find more time for play, to incorporate more contact during the day, and to manipulate their schedule to focus more attention on their submissive partner. Most Dominants know that both sides needs must be met in any M/s relationship, and if a needy or attention oriented submissive feels neglected or unfocused for too long, they will leave for greener- and more controlling -pastures.

There is also a deeper and very important aspect of pushing.


Pushing the Dominant partner can be a highly charged edge with a stable couple. It can come about during play without any "topping from below" needed. As a scene unfolds, Dominants often have a "map" or "plan of action" in their head about what they want to do, or where they plan to drive the situation. Submissives, however, are not predictable creatures, and for somethat have more primal urges, their mental focus and attitude can become a driving force for both partners.


Some call it "beast meat," others "primal play" or"inner beasts," but the effect is usually the same- an emotional separation from one's grounding, a mental space where animalistic urges and desires take over internally, a departure from the personality they normally expose in play.


So there you are, hot and sweaty, pulling out the 4th or 5th toy in your arsenal when the girl you KNOW every inch of suddenly quits whining or moaning and suddenly becomes almost empowered even though she is firmly tied to that cross or bench. Guttural sounds are emitted, and the normal responses you are comfortable with are replaced with someone who might well spit at you, scream or laugh maniacally, or even growl and bite.


Those are the times when a dominant has to keep their head. They are suddenly being pushed into something deeper, possibly more dangerous, and with more potentially serious consequences than they might imagine. Being pushed- having someone reach into your head and throw the switch from "nice guy" to animal- might have some dire consequences.


It is always a very difficult thing for a Dominant to not "let go"and keep their inner urges at bay. Having your partner suddenly push all that control aside with desires so hot, emotions so raw, or primitive urges so dangerous that they trigger your own primal needs is a kind of edge play that very few people will even admit to, let alone go to.


The line between normal sane human and insane inhuman sadistic monster is being erased by the submissive. They are pushing your boundaries just as surely as they push for more popcorn at the movies or an orgasm at night. This pushing, however, is neither manipulative nor controlledby them. It is that beastmeat moment when they have found a way to strip off their sophistications, to jettison their contrite social face, and to delve into the darkest thoughts they can muster.


A Dominant having that suddenly confront their already heightened sexuality, sadism, and flowing power can easily be pushed past where they had planned to go, pushed past where they are comfortable to play, pushed past the mental controls they have carefully built up to protect BOTH their partner and themselves from the darker and more destructive thoughts and desires they carry.


Like a woman with a match lighting a powder keg, a submissive that displays NO FEAR or edges and invites the Dom to throw off their limits and indulge their animalistic tendencies is begging for an explosion.

Knowing that the possibility exists is important.


Knowing ones self, ones limits as a Dom, and the triggers that make your blood run hot and your judgment falter is equally as important. As a slave that sometimes finds herself deep in the woods, tasting His scent as He chases me, high on my own power and need and focused intent, I have watched myself turn my head in the darkness, just to make sure He is going to eventually catch me, and hoping that I can push Him to break His leash.


My owner knows this- His beast knows mine intimately, and He has an ironwill that seldom waivers (seldom... but not never).



Keeping control of that leash- knowing yourself and where desire becomes criminal, play becomes damage, and temptation cannot be ignored is a very important part of what we do.



Recognizing when your submissive's beast has called to yours and pushed your reason aside is one of the signposts on the road to being a Master.


Copyright shadow, May 15, 2006

All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

For Love or Money

#12. For love or Money
Volunteering and the compensations we receive.


Essays on a life of P.E.
November 28th, 2007
by shadow

Over the last few years, as i have grown and moved through the BDSM scene in Western USA states, myself and a few friends have noted many changes.
Time ebbs and flows, technology makes things work differently, takes some hard jobs away, adds new jobs to our lives.
But getting the scene to function, making the parties happen, organizing the events, hosting the munches, advertising the classes, painting the play spaces, and a million other jobs, chores, and projects in the underground alternative kink communities takes volunteers. Not just your friends, but lots of strangers and acquaintances with helping hands and open hearts.

Volunteering seems to start with that splurge of happiness that many folks find when they arrive in public play. They are suddenly, magically, LIVING the fantasies they always dreamt of, meeting people that DO the things they have wanted to, talking to people about all those secret things, and the flood of goodwill often transmutes into the desire to help out.
Altruistic tendencies in people abound, and have been extensively studied.

Most kink groups promote volunteering openly and loudly.
Without the bodies doing the work, the great ideas behind events like Thunder in the Mountains, Black Rose, and the Master/slave contests would be only sweet dreams that no one could afford to pay for.
Without volunteers, there would be no TESS, no Janus- every group, big or small, depends on one or more people creating the dated events and publicizing them.

The creators in the scene are always desperately seeking those who want to help to come to them and offer time and energy, expertise and advice, so that their visions can become real, and their communities can be offered some new vision or event. They seek out people offering to help. They cannot live without them. We also know that happy volunteers are the best recruiters for others to come and help- having happy team members makes others want to participate.

But not everyone is cut out to be a volunteer-- and worse, not everyone or every group is mature and well trained enough to find the right people, use volunteers well and keep them around.

"It has become more important than ever to improve the way we manage this scarce and valuable resource.
Organizations depending on volunteers must make sure that those people already working with them want to
stay. They must also find ways of making assignments interesting enough to attract and involve others.
A satisfied volunteer is the best recruiter" *.


Dictums such as "our volunteers are extensions of the organization and will act as if they represent us", "they are just volunteers and shouldn't be held to any standards" and "well, what do you expect from people if they are not compensated" are just a few of the hundreds of attitudes that permeate the non-profit world. All of them are detrimental to the organization and create negative opportunities. ALL of them are quotes heard at kink events.

Most kink volunteers WANT to help out- and no one who ever gave of their time did so because they wanted to deliberately mess up, not do the job, or create more trouble than they were worth, feel abused, or feel that their time was wasted. Yes, sometimes it turns out that way, but their original intentions were never of that vein. Your volunteers want to be there so they can achieve many things, including:

Gaining a sense of accomplishment
Getting experience they do not have for future paying jobs
Giving back to the community
Getting recognition and being appreciated
Spending time with people they like or want to get to know
Meeting new people and gaining a sense of being "part of the group"
Being with other people and avoiding loneliness
Having something to do during the event when they are not occupied
Having some power and control over something they believe is important or or value

The number one reason that people volunteer for something is that they believe in the cause and want to help achieve it. Studies have shown that people who volunteer come from families that had volunteers in them and nurtured the spirit of volunteering.


The way leadership runs their group, treats the staff, and understands the volunteers is going to either make or break the organization over time. Many great groups have folded because they could not sustain the sheer numbers of helpers that they needed.

All too often, the leadership of any kink group has come about that position naturally through their own unique talents, as they have created the event or organization without conscious desire to do so, and suddenly find themselves in the position of having volunteers working for them. They usually do NOT have the training or skills to handle this, although they ALWAYS BELIEVE they have the skills to do this. Unfortunately, that often creates strain and problems with volunteers, and the management doesn't necessarily even understand their own shortcomings that might contribute to the problems.

Having employees (and volunteers ARE employees the most precious kind) that are not feeling supported, appreciated, and who do not feel that they are noticed means that those people not only will not continue to help- but they will openly speak badly about the group and push others away. Volunteers that do not feel supported by the organization or have to do work that they did not sign on for become dissatisfied and hostile to the very organization they once wanted to help.

Coordinators of volunteers should be aware that volunteers might simply fade away from an organization rather than tackle the source of their discontent.


Leaders that are too busy to pay attention, who are overwhelmed and heap work on new assistance, or who do not understand the abilities of their volunteers are in for trouble.
It is important for organizations to provide volunteers with the opportunity to achieve something — however minor — by matching the volunteer with the job that is likely to provide the kind of results the volunteer is looking for. Kinky group leaders should take some time to talk with their new friends about what those folks are looking for, what hours they have available, and what they expect or need to feel successful. Just 10 min. with a new person asking them about their desires and needs can make or break a good outcome.

Kinky groups also tend to burn out volunteers with work that they volunteers did not want to do or do not like- meetings seem to be one of those issues. Volunteers, by and large, want to BE DOING, and NOT PLANNING or REPORTING. They often feel that their time is precious enough that it should be spent in the acts they wanted to accomplish, and if they do not see a sincere need for the meetings or reports they will neither buy in to the idea nor participate as needed.
Aside from "distractions" of the job, there are other turn offs that drive away your volunteers.
Disorganized management can waste a volunteer's time. Anything from making folks stand around to assigning other people to work that volunteers have already begun can trigger resignations. Not guaranteeing the right materials or the right amounts also creates conflicts.
Lack of board support or organizational support is widespread. If you only pay lip service to what you need but do not spend the time setting up jobs properly and providing PROFESSIONAL feeling support, your volunteers will feel that they are invlived with amatures that do not understand the skills they have and cannot truly appreciate their work.
Indifferent staff attitudes, including not having everyone "on board" over where volunteers are working and what their jobs are creates tension and conflicts between volunteers and the people they work with or report to. It also means that volunteers duties should be respected- having someone in charge of a job while others are either doing it for them or jumping in to "help them' when they have no asked for it leads to resentments and loss of volunteers.
Limited training and orientation undermine the best efforts. Your people need to KNOW whats going on and feel that they are part of the loop- or they will walk. Making sure they have been given all the information they need to carry out the job- up front while they are in training rather than piecemeal when crisis's strike- is essential to having happy volunteers that feel included and not abused.

Lack of contact and support creates tension, isolation, and feelings of loneliness and abandonment in people. Keep your volunteers connected with lots of information, positive feedback, and regular chances to interact with others in the organization.
Volunteers need to be matched up with the right assignments as well, so asking people what they like doing, or offering them choices and then checking in frequently to make sure that the long term feelings are still positive about their jobs is important.

Perks are no big deal, unless they're withdrawn! Insufficient supplies or withdrawal of perks gives volunteers the impression that the organization does not value them because it did not allocate sufficient resources to manage them properly.
By and large, volunteers don't make a big issue of getting something in return for their efforts. However, when something has been offered by the organization, like free coffee, and then it is withdrawn, sparks fly.
Conversely, the volunteers that will offer their time ONLY because of some specific perk- discounts to the event, free items or hotel rooms, chances to meet celebrities or stars- will then focus ONLY on achieving those free items and will put in the minimum amount of work required to receive their free gifts. This does NOT make for good volunteers or a happy organization, and creates a revolving workforce comprised of those who do not care about the job and those who MUST volunteer if they want to get in to the event at all.
Neither is the optimum mindset of a great volunteer.

Great leadership remembers that what attracts people initially is not necessarily what keeps them around, and they nurture the people that want to stay with the organization. They pay attention to volunteer fears, which often include fear of spending out of pocket unnecessarily, fear of loss of autonomy, and fear of being held accountable personally for the rules or actions of the organization. Good volunteer management sees those possibilities and works hard to minimize them.

Another large gap in the kink world is when we do not take advantage of offers the first time. Volunteers are PRECIOUS, and yet all too often, people have to offer their services 2,3,4 or more times to more than one person before they are given an opportunity to help out. Getting back to people in a timely manner on the FIRST offer is important, and failing to do so is a sign of poor management skills. Then, matching them to the right assignment or job will take care of 75% of the problems that might otherwise crop up.

Few people that want to help out want to run the ship, and with good reason-- most folks find it tedious and more trouble than it is worth. They are not excited by the larger management issues of organizational goals, effectiveness, strategies, structures and facilities. Most volunteers are content to do their assignments and leave larger organizational issues to others. It is possible that one reason for their reluctance is the sense of freedom that they value about their direct service work. For others, it is a time commitment, and for many it includes not wanting to deal with too many petty internal politics and cliques fighting behind the scenes for power in larger organizations. Some volunteers blind themselves to those issues and the complain bitterly when they rise in the group to a place where they are suddenly within the loop of communicaton where those power struggles are taking place. Others only work with small groups or with organizations with one strong leader. Many others just refuse to get involved at all after they have been exposed to negativity- and their input and expertise are lost.

Great leadership can easily be judged by how well people who were not friends describe the experience of volunteering and how smooth recruitment drives go for groups. Having communities that appreciate the need for volunteers, that rally round the organization when large events approach, and that speak well of the experience afterwards are benchmarks of leadership that cares and understands the people that give of this precious commodity.


Years ago, i worked hard for a large local club, often putting in 50-60 hours a week during the final days before our big events, and usually working closely with 15-20 people over several months, year after year. The fiscal equivalent was probably close to $30,000.00 per person in what we were given of their time and skills.

We got to know each other intimately, and, as my best friend in the group put it, "lived in each other's pockets" for days at a time. Some of us got along in smaller spurts than others, and, as is wont when people are thrown together, there were invariably clashes and hard feelings over time- sometimes building over years.
Each season, the leadership- the 2-4 top folks and the 10-12 section leads- would put off our "after event" meeting for a full 30 days just to "cool off"- some folks were just not able to work well together until after we all had a long break and a chance to step back and see the event with some perspective.

Having such strong feelings that we needed a 30 day breather was taken as a 'given evil' and we all understood that while we might strongly want to throttle each other, we none the less worked *well* together as far as promoting and creating the event, and for several years in a row the same "usual suspects" worked at various positions, with a few new faces replacing the 2-3 drop outs each year. Between us, we had over 100 volunteers working with us, as well as at least 3 separate contracts negotiated by 3 different leads for work to be handled by 3 outside businesses. Overall, the 'team' handled about 130 people over the course of a 90 day period working up to, and including, the event itself. Not to mention the 300-400 attendees.

It was a daunting task, and one that showed quickly who had skills and who didn't in personell issues. Those leads that could work well with others had returning volunteers every year (not just their personal *friends*, but others that only had contact with them for volunteer time), had repeat contacts over contracts- and had contracts that got BETTER, cheaper, and smoother as the years went by. Most telling was that the organizations founders had LOTS of us that wanted to keep coming back. One in particular, a natural leader, impressed me most with his sincere desire to make sure that no matter what the job, the problem, or the feelings, that we were having FUN.
That same natural inclination was part of my Owners philosophy as well- "We're Havin' Fun" became our group's motto and one we still live by. No one should ever give of themselves and then feel unhappy or unappreciated- no one should have a bad time!

Offering your volunteers a fun, rewarding experience with support, engaging work that exploits their natural skills and empowers them to the level they are comfortable with is not something just anyone can achieve. Possibly the most important job in any group is the volunteer coordinator. If you are a group leader or convention manager or party planner, there is no excuse for not understanding and appreciating those who come to you and want to help.



Other sources include:

http://www.nald.ca/fulltext/heritage/ComPartnE/pdfdocs/Whypeopl.PDF
http://www.volunteerpro.com/past_newsletter_001.htm
http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:jEzAo_Q-JH0J:www.volunteer.ca/
volunteer/pdf/VOICE2.pdf+why+people+volunteer&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=5&gl=us&client=firefox-a



Copyright shadow, Nov. 28, 2007
http://tinyurl.com/dnqhp
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.