Shadow's Essays

The Sexiest Man In The Room

2012-01-09T14:20:00.000-08:00

#43. The Sexiest Man In The Room.
Essays on a life of P.E.

January 9th, 2012 by shadow

i need to serve God...
my Owner is my God, the morning sun and the evening moon, the center of my Universe.
i have always sought the strongest, hardest, most unmalleable man in the room to serve, to learn with, to play with.
Someone i can look up to, cannot manipulate, who is smarter in enough areas of O/our lives that it is WORTH it to me to follow His lead rather than my own way.
Someone who knows better than me in a few things.
Yes, i come with things i am not am amateur about. i am an English major/writer who can put anyone else under the table with a typewriter (keyboard). i am a great organizer, good at teaching, a professional urban wildlife expert, well educated in kinky toys and how to use them (2.5 years in Leather Masters was the graduate course after 10 years teaching/stunt cunting in the scene), and i can sew and knit, paint and draw, decorate and garden, and i am well trained in living with and advocating for special needs kids.
That doesn't mean that i don't want someone in my life who can run O/our lives, make the right decisions on the big things, and let me FOLLOW.
The man i found, i look up to, respect, and see as that center for my life.
He wants to do this, and is more than capable of handling it.
But His humility is part of what i find so attractive.
My Master - a man that can drop a fleeing problem without a second thought, a man that needs to bow to *no one*- shows the deferential respect and humility to several in the scene.
No one asked Him to, and He chose those people based on their seniority to Him, their experience, their history with me, and their *deserving* of His respect just because *they are who they are*.

It is not easy to explain, but, like the phrase famously used by United States Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart to describe his threshold test for pornography in Jacobellis v. Ohio (1964), "we know it when we see it".

i remember my first role model in slavery, Jeff Tucker, a man who's humility and sincerity to this day astonish me from time to time.
He wanted to learn, to be of service, and to grow. He is still a friend i keep in touch with to this day, and someone i will always respect because of his attitude about himself and his own importance. He never felt that he *knew* anything well enough to be that role model. He wal *always learning* and always an apprentice.

i doubt i could EVER be that humble and respectful. i work on it a lot , but i just doubt i have that consistent ability.
i have seen it in myself from time to time, most often once i have spent some time in subspace and with Owner.

i know some great Doms that don't necessarily exhude humility- but they don't take themselves seriously either, and i am endeared to them for their ability to laugh at themselves, to laugh with others at their foibles, to appreciate the tenuous line between "Dominant" and "Twue Domly Lord Of the Universe". They might have skills that would make the entire east coast step back and bow, but they would never claim to have them. Others would have to do that. In a way, it reflects the Old Guard ideal that no one was a "Master" of any skill set until others acknowledged that and bestowed the title.

i know, and have served folks that i could come to and express my devotion and how i SEE them, and they accepted those accolades with respect and kindness. i have been in service to people who *expected* me to see them as smarter, or faster, or more of a 'master' of some technique or tool or toy, and i fulfilled my duties and got out as fast as allowable because it was hard not to just laugh at them.
Pomposity always brings out the "needle" in my energy-- i gotta needle them about it, dig just a little and see how thick their skin is. Hot air and all that. i am drawn to ego in need of a pin prick like flies to meat in summer.
Yeah, that is not very slavish, not very polite, and not very nice. i admit it, it is a character flaw of mine.
Part of my education in the scene has been to sublimate that reaction to the point where the obnoxious amongst us don't ever see it, and no one realizes that behind the mask of polite, respectful me is a little voice, holding it's belly and rolling on the floor laughing so hard i can feel the snot starting to drip from my sinus's.
Some nights i don't get too good a grip on it and then all hell might break lose. Sir "H" (who has the best grip on His humility of any man i ever met!) says that "the safety comes off" when that happens.

The reverse of that is something that i am drawn to- the humble dominant, the man who really IS capable of RAMBO tactics, can handle me with 1 hand tied behind His back, and yet, when given a compliment, cannot just smile and accept the warm. The man that is uncomfortable when i tell Him how strong He is, how much His style arouses me, how damned HOT He looks.
The men in my world that do not see themselves in that light, that become uncomfortable with the spotlight- they draw me with their tact and their humility. They leave me breathless with their lack of ego, their soft approach to the world, their patience and their quiet.
Quiet men doing incredible things, easily at home with owning me even as they ask someone to show them something, teach them something, share with them along this road. Often, the men i want to be Owned by have been the quiet ones that would rather sit and listen than blow their own horn. There is usually much more to learn at their feet than with anyone else in the room. My leather family head, Viper, is just one of those men. He does not see His work and craft as more than 'what He does", yet the respect He garners nationwide is obvious and exciting.

i remember 4 years ago at Thunder in the Mountains i went to a class with a guy from LA who was teaching theory on finding a mate in the scene. He stood up at the podium, all pretty and young and dressed "just right" and started his lecture about how he had been in the scene 2 years, already owned 3 different collared slaves, and was completely at home telling us his secrets to finding mates. He started off by telling folks that they should create false bios on collar me to learn what the people they were trying to attract often got as mail (i.e. if you are a sub, write a dom bio and read the mail that comes in). The room was pretty appalled by then, and when his next 5 min continued to spout self aggrandizing bullshit, several of us walked out. It was not just a disaster, but the beginning of the 'buffoon' label that haunts this guy to this very day. He had come in as a competent artistic bondage guy- but everyone who watched his scenes could SEE how he was worried about the bondage. about the way HE looked, about the *beauty* of the art- and didn't care one whit for the bottoms he put up, nor give aftercare to them when they were down- he was too busy with his adoring audience. The man could not find 'humility' with a dictionary already highlighted for him. He made all the classic mistakes 'newbs' and 'twe doms' make. They are so full of themselves they cannot wait to show everyone how they know everything.

i remember the first essay - a simple history of the munch actually- that i wrote in kink space. i had been around over a year, came in as a writer and researcher, and with Miss Vicky i wanted to start some 'documentation' on where this stuff came from. i had been floundering and always asking people about how things started (this was before Leather Archives had taken off or a dozen other reputable and mostly reliable sites), and felt i had done a nice job. Nothing fancy. i posted it on my own home page back on AOL, and was really proud of it.
i was shocked and dismayed when one of the leaders in the SF scene at that time trashed me totally on a public chat list for being 'assumptive' and writing without having paid my dues in the scene. There were a LOT of folks who felt that way, and over the years i have run afoul of that belief more than once. A part of me feels they are completely right. The BDSM scene is a closed community with a lot of broken screens and a few wide open windows, where the older guard (there are several kinds, and layers, and disciplines) do not always appreciate the young up starts who show up and just 'make it up on their own' without paying due deference to the folks that are teaching them.
There is at least one 'dominant' who teaches- poorly and dangerously- who had been in public about 6 months when he asked a scene veteran to show him how to do needles one night. The following month he proceeded to teach classes. The scene veteran was shocked that he was telling others how to do this, using their name as his 'mentor' when they had done no such thing, and spent months dealing with mail from people who had played with or done classes with the new needle king because the king used that veteran's name repeatedly and they felt that *that* alone was a good enough reason to trust the person.
It got messy.
i don't bring these things up to dredge old issues- they are examples of the ways we can accidentally put our foot in it, taking our ego and letting it drive the car. And, with the combination of anonymity and fluid movement of folks in and out of the scene, there is never a dearth of examples.

It is, however, also a very touchy thing within scene politics and *protocols*. In some groups, the slaves not only show deference and respect to *every top*, but the idea that any of them would ever question that is not even considered. In other circles, the pompous domly one that shows up expecting the idea automatically is laughed out of the room (or at least sniggered at from the group at the buffet table).

Hence my sudden adoration with my Owner all over again. i try to explain to Him how *i* see Him, and He begs off. i make some statement about His strength (which every slave should see in their Owner at some level) and He asks me to stop. i try to describe to Him the man i personally know in His personality, in His actions, in the way He THINKS about Ownership, control, play & me. He becomes uncomfortable with that. As He would if anyone said such a thing. Other men He works with look up to Him and respect Him, rely on Him and expect Him to protect those in His charge, yet He has no ego. Puffery does not become Him. " Needing others to show Him 'respect' is not something He asks for, nor wants.
A lady on line posted "In my opinion, humility is incredibly important in any individual - especially a Master", and i felt the pull of total agreement.
My Owner is a natural with a whip, but He has said that it will be years of constant use before He will allow the idea that He has 'mastered' it to be voiced. i love that. His abilities with a gun however, come from 30 years of use- He was a Master of that item before He ever found me. He is in awe of the men and women that have those whip skills and share them with Him, and enjoys their company as He grows. But He will never lose the humility of His soul, which is, actually, much more attractive than anything else a person can bring into the room.
i envy that, and keep working on it.

Copyright shadow, January 9th, 2012
All rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.comfor permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Being afraid of yourself

2012-01-08T23:40:00.000-08:00

#42. Slave Diaries- Being afraid of yourself.
Introspection and the good path.

Essays on a life of P.E.
Jan. 7th, 2012
By shadow

Funny how you sing along to something for decades and then one day the lyrics really SINK IN...
i have been having some conversations with folks who are just 1-2 years into WIITWD, and for the SMART ones, they are questioning themselves, what they thought before they arrived here, what they think they might want.
The Sadists spend time questioning just WHERE they will stop- if given complete control over someone, what will be the place where that darkness will recede and the men or woman they thought they were will emerge- be it a single scene, or a lifetime of play.
i have watched this over and over and over again in my oh so short time in the scene, people who have fantasies in their head, misery in their lives, marriages that are dead things they maintain like watering withered plants, who find a munch, or a chat group, who write me or join Fetlife or come to an event and stand at the edges...
salivating.
Hungry for the banquet in front of them, unable to comprehend that this is REAL and not just their own personal wank world, that it's NOT just fiction for movies and people who write books and don't really believe...
it exists.
They come, they want to know about it ALL right now, and they start to play, and meet, and talk and learn and buy toys and make things and get to have those extraordinary orgasms from the sheer THRILL of it all.
For the sadists, they get hard (wet- take your pick here) when they grab that slave by the hair, pull out a knife, or sink their teeth in.
They get excited just HANDLING the damned rope in their homes, and spend their free moments daily considering what they want to do next, who they want to play with, how to get out of the house, where they will dump the kids for the weekend, how to make enough cash to pay for the toy.
They want to do it all, and every day their fantasies get a little more..... dark.
More deep. More bloody.
As time goes by, they find themselves afraid to play- afraid of what they are becoming. They wanted to throw that flogger over and over and more than once had to apologize to someone because they never heard the yellow, never noticed the tears, deliberately let one more blow land before backing off.
They feel horribly guilty about that- they are turning into monsters, they are unable to fuck like nice people anymore, they don't WANT that stupid marriage they are in, they want to run riot and let it all out of the cage, stop listening to the saner voice in their head, quit paying attention to the screams and just bathe in the blood and the pain and the horror.
They are suddenly afraid of themselves.

The situation is different if you are in the public scene- here, we have classes that offer insight, books you can read freely that will give you perspective, discussion groups to make friends and forge the bonds so that you know you are NOT some animal, and this is not some horrible disease we have.
In vanilla life, you can often tell who IS someone who found their sadism outside of community, and once they saw their own beast ran screaming back into their closet, slammed the door and now sees all kink as dangerous perversions.
They are the religious zealots, the political hacks, the 'one true way' believers.

Here in the scene, we all go through those times when we need to look inside and often wonder if what we see is real- and if the future we extrapolate from our current play thoughts is one of terror and pain, where we will end up as victims of our unleashed passions.
We won't of course. We will get over the alienation we find inside us upon meeting these sexual feelings that no one ever told us about. We will find out psychological keys and make sense out of the threads we read that strike a chord in our hearts. We find partners that give us safe harbor to explore what we NEED to do while being safe and honest with us so we never feel we are taking advantage of another person.
We find those magical bubbles of intense human bonding that no one ever told us about- the intimacy of the dance.
We have fallen through the Looking glass ( a phrase i used at my first South Bay Discussion Group in 2000 to describe how i personally felt about suddenly finding this whole community), and we are seeing that we will NOT be swept away in the flood of strange tears with wild beasts. We understand the path, and we can plot the next move of the chess pieces in our heart.
Most of us never find that one partner (or that one poly family) with the right balance for our needs, the right balance of gifts they bring and offerings from us they will accept. For *most* of the people in BDSM, they will consider themselves blessed if they find happiness in stretches of 1 to 2 years between periods of being alone again.
Some will come into this scene and find the language that defines their fantasies, and leave again to meet their play partners back in vanilla lands- sometimes without ever letting on to those others what they really harbor behind their eyes.
Some will come here, find their kinks, and then feel sated and need to move on to other things that are their new 'hearts desire'.
Some come here and realize that what they had in their head was MORE than want they wanted, and to live it out in the flesh is not as good, not as fun, not as fulfilling.
For a small few of us, we will come through the mirror and instantly, irrevocably feel "home", knowing that we might well not find a lover forever, but we have crossed our own personal Rubicon and can never go back to living in a world where the ideas of power exchange are considered dangerous, where impact play is shunned, where people fear to talk about their feelings and it is considered *smart* and *safe* to hide what is in one's heart.

i find that stupid in the extreme. The isolation in vanilla life of living inside your own head and never truly trusting those around you with EVERYTHING is now, 14 years later, impossible for me to imagine. The idea of manipulating your partner by with holding what you want, misrepresenting things based on your own assumptions about what your partner MIGHT be thinking just appalls me.

So here you are, standing in the window of the candy store, hunger gnawing in your head, and yet the fear of what you might become, what you might DO given half a chance, makes you nervous, and worried that this is the wrong path.

My own thoughts on this are: So long as you are worried, so long as you are concerned, you are fine. It's the one's that DON'T care about their partners, that DO want to play in secret, alone in the dark with their demons and a partner in chains, that worry me.
When you find yourself in the bubble, SHARING that power with another, feeling with them, breathing with them, FEEDING off them because they want this as much as you do, fight it as hard, and live waiting for the next scene- that's the best of all.

Which brings me back to the music playing inside my head. The time between finding out that you belong here, and the moment you have the partner that lets you fly.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Waiting (copyright TP&H, From "Hard Promises" 1981 LINK CLICK HERE)

Oh baby don't it feel like heaven right now
Don't it feel like somethin' from a dream
Yeah I've never known nothing quite like this
Don't it feel like tonight might never be again
We know better than to try and pretend
Baby no one could have ever told me 'bout this

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Well Yeah I might have chased a couple of women around
All it ever got me was down
Then there were those that made me feel good
But never as good as I feel right now
Baby you're the only one that's ever known how
To make me wanna live like I wanna live now

The waiting is the hardest part
Every day you see one more card
You take it on faith, you take it to the heart
The waiting is the hardest part

Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you
Don't let 'em kill you baby, don't let 'em get to you
I'll be your breathin' heart, I'll be your cryin' fool
Don't let this go to far, don't let it get to you

Copyright shadow, January 7th, 2012

All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Leaps of Faith

2010-06-22T20:02:00.000-07:00

#57. Leaps of Faith, and Trusting in the Universe .
Essays on a life of P.E.
June 22, 2010 by shadow

Last night i went to a discussion group, and the topic, within M/s and D/s relationships, was

"Trust sometimes involves a leap of faith, and in this life style we frequently trust our counterparts
(and our colleagues) (and also ourselves?) to an extent that risks much.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, and more.
What are these leaps of faith that we must make? Are the small ones any less big than the big ones?
How do we do it? What happens wen we don't do it? Why don't we do it, sometimes?
How can we become better at doing it?
And what in the heck compels us to continue doing it?"

i loved running into this because of the recent turn of events in my life.
i have, to some extent or another, never risked so much that there was 'no where to go' if things failed.
i have never put my last dollar into a venture, never gone anywhere with a total stranger without someone knowing, never pushed my life to the breaking point without having a sure knowledge that there was someone, somewhere, that could bail me out.
i had my parents up until long past my son's birth 17 years ago.
i planned things so that, while we might be 'flying by the seat of our pants' day to day cash flow wise, there was a steady build up of reserves and something to fall back on when things got rough.

In my emotional life, i did that as well. Early on, i learned the valuable lesson about how lovers part.
Don't yell.
It doesn't matter if you think he's a bastard- yelling that at him won't change it.
It doesn't matter if you HAVE to scream at her about your undying need for her- she won't stay.
Begging and whining and pleading and crying don't make people stay- if they cared enough for that to sway them, they wouldn't be leaving in the first place.
Like death, using the 5 stages as weapons at a partner are, in the end, not going to slow the grim reaper OR that lover as they walk out the door. Denial only makes them shake their head and wonder why they cannot get through to you. Anger makes them want to flee sooner. Bargaining- be it promises of 'being better' or offering to change things- should have been done LONG before the official relationship pink slip arrives under your bedroom door.

Using that as a basis of logic, i have tried to never have any 'famous final scenes" when parting, although i did once have someone return to pick things up WITH the person that had taken my place in their affections. i DID ~~throw things~~ assist him in moving out in that instance. It was stupid on their part to not think what they were doing, and a nice release of energy on my part as their belongings went over the fence.

Knowing this, people can also surmise that i do NOT enter into love lightly.
i look, i plan, i watch. Yes, every man or woman i have ever fallen in love with i KNEW were going to be important to me the first time i laid eyes on them, and in at least 2 cases i KNEW i had already begun to fall in love with them in that instant.
i knew, i was smitten, i was a goner, i was hooked.
That did not mean, however, that i did not 'hedge my bets' and 'cover my ass'.
In vanilla life, i might well be sitting home waiting for a phone call- but i would never let them know it, and i always played the casual, cool siren. Grace Kelly had nothin' on me. If they were boys, i would become their friend long before i let them know just how much i cared about them, and make sure that i was not barking up the wrong tree. i might date them and love them and call them my boyfriend, but i never got possessive. i not only did not want to be THAT clingy little bitch, but there was also a deep part of me that, being poly, might not have understood the feelings at the time, but sure gravitated to the idea that "so long as i am being loved and cared for, there is no reason they cannot also enjoy the company of others.... and so can i!".
There was *one* boy in high school that decided - just before Sr. Prom- to dump me in favor of the other person he was also seeing. She had given him sad stories of herself that were all fabrications, but i knew better than to try to overturn true love.
i never confronted him about that. i did, however, gather 4 friends in a van and drive to her home very early that June morning on the heels of a 3 day heat wave, armed with red wine and eggs, and turned her car into a traveling Jackson Pollock. By the time she went outside the wine had eaten off what paint was not sealed under the now cooked eggs. The 5 of us had breakfast at the International House of justice and revenge. With syrup.

From that day forward however, i realized that even that was hollow- it did nothing to sooth the pain inside, and i never wanted ANYONE to see that pain again. To admit to letting someone INSIDE so far that they could hurt me that badly was to admit being stupid, being unable to control my life, being vulnerable and being at someone's mercy. THEY controlled how my life would be. What would i do if i TOLD someone how much i cared, and it scared them off? What would happen if i SHARED that kind of commitment with someone who changed their mind? i would be alone, bereft, and unable to trust them.
In a way, however, i had already lost trust. Probably even before puberty had fully formed, i had lost the ability to trust ANYONE with the really scary things in my heart. With my needs. With the horrors i felt at the idea of being abandoned, being abused, being left behind.
Another thing i learned in college was the psychology of relationships almost invariably involves one person being 'more committed' than the other. One side has more power than the other, one side is more emotionally vested.
even as i dated trying to find an M/s relationship without knowing what that was, i was equally committed to being "Miss Independent" and taking care of myself included NEVER being farther in that the other party. My poly lifestyle (i dated 3 different men on and off interchangeably back then- all of them knew of the others, and all but 1 had been introduced to all the others) not withstanding, i kept that small part of myself where the PAIN could be caused tightly under lock and key.
So i learned to never,ever, fall more in love with someone than they were with me. That led to several inappropriate relationships and lots of interesting strange dates, but felt more like 'marking time' than seriously searching for my life to begin.
Then i met and began to love my spouse. Still insecure, still uncertain, i enjoyed being the responsible one, the more in charge one. My need for independence and to show the world as well as my relatives that i was capable of taking care of myself led me to find someone that i would always be able to dominate. A lovely situation if a girl wants to be in control, or a perfect example of what Gloria Steinham said "Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. "

i stayed, and i grew and i learned, and i took some chances, but only one true leap- that of planning to become pregnant and have a child. No one can predict that, nor can anyone guarantee any part of the process no matter how small, how minor. Your whole world is up for grabs then, and nothing will ever be the same no matter how confident and sure you are.

i never regretted that particular leap, but i did learn quite a bit about my life partner along the way.
He was unable to make that kind of leap of faith. He could not just trust *anything* or anyone.

Meanwhile, the inner core of the slave in me was squirming to get out, and becoming less happy with each day.i rented a movie and stumbled upon the sexuality i craved, bought books and found the desires i needed, got a computer and found out what the real vocabulary of it all was, what was possible, and that i lived in Kink Central. And unlike the Ghostbusters, ANYONE could go out and capture some of that good stuff. But i still did not have *faith* in that larger than life sense.

i had to learn about trusting people to physically be careful, to not damage me while creating sensations that make people wince.
i had to find trusting places where i could give information and not have it come back to haunt me.
i had my personal trust of my confidential information violated, and learned the old phrase "fool me once, shame on you- fool me again, shame on me". She/ they will never fool me again. Once was enough.
Physically, i had a few close calls. i made choices based on being 'good' rather than 'smart'. i learned how to protect myself and be a fair and equal partner in BDSM play. i deepened my beliefs in being independent enough to take care of me. i learned to NOT make leaps of faith when it comes to play, to my personal well being, to non-romantic situations.
i will NEVER advocate anyone new and seeking their joy to just jump into things, and will forever encourage newbies to hold back, to provide safety nets and safe calls and back up plans, to learn and take their time.

Yet in 2003, as i was grilling a new gentleman over the phone (can you say 20 questions would never have been enough?) and learning to trust him and believe in him, i was accidentally giving in to faith, into believing in things unspoken, and into trusting that he would take care of things.
4.5 years later, that rug too was pulled out- and the devastation was nuclear. i had let him teach me to trust, and allowed him inside all the sacred spaces. His leaving was the horror i waited my whole life to avoid, the one most terrible of all the terribles. Like losing a parent or a child, losing an Owner - and the collar that i felt would be forever- wiped out a core part of my ability to function, and took away the security of 'having faith'.

i abandoned a lot of things, and spent time trying to remember to breath some days. i swore i would never, ever, ever let anyone do that again. i had to discard my heart because it was too broken to repair- and wasn't THAT the whole point of my M/s life choices- to be safe enough to offer that fragile orb and have it carried safely without fear of damage?
i grew a new one, slowly, and spent months agonizing over HOW i would re-enter this life.
i put out an advertisement, and i 'interviewed' for months, even as i dated that core of soft hearts that protected me, even as i leaned on my leather family to keep me unbruised while i tried to learn to do this again. i knew i was too young to just walk away, and that the Universe still had some surprises for me.

i took a little leap when i announced i was ready to being dating again. It was a social leap- risking only my pride a bit. After all, i might never find anyone to share myself with- let alone a dominant partner with the potential to actually LIVE with.
i took a bigger leap of faith one night on facebook when i wrote to a photo that seemed eerily like an old love of mine. Nothing more risked than a social gaff, worst case scenario that he remembered me with less than joy. At most to lose, the memory of something special and the hope that i might find that again some day.

Sometimes however, no matter how we plan for things to be a certain way, no matter how we assume our day will go, things happen. Sunspots occur. Owls come sit on your roof, the calendar becomes Friday the 13th, your period arrives early or your car explodes. What you prepared for suddenly is NOT what is happening right in front of you.

i went for coffee, to flirt a bit, to reminisce, to see how the years and the miles had worn on perfect moment in my life. i thought it would be light, chatty, and i would be asked some questions and then patted on the head and sent off down the road. i went prepared to share some laughs and touch my innocence for just a little while before i came back to my reality.

He came as well to chat, to laugh, to get some information and flirt just a bit and then go back to the carefully planned life he had put in motion. He had no intention of offering even a smidgen of vulnerability. He never planned on having the whole world *tilt* on a new axis. Yet somehow, every word out of my mouth seemed to change his planned direction and every new word out of his mouth changed the color of the sun and within just a few hours, we had each offered the other a new choice.

A precipice was before us.
Each time we spoke, we agreed- this was what we wanted, and what we would commit to. And i had to make that internal choice. Would i, for once in my life, just trust without proofs up front? They had not helped me in the past- but then again, i had also only had just the *one* crash and burn- there are people out there who's lives are emotional crash test dummies as they practice the art of rushing in.

So, i had to spend some time thinking about this chance- this one perfect golden moment.
i had already survived the worst thing that can happen to a slave, and the worst fear of anyone who wanted to protect their privacy.
i was still breathing.
WHAT was i afraid of? Pain? Been there- she is now an old friend.
Loss of self? No sweat- i can never lose this amazing personality, it's subjugation is temporary, and the core being is stronger than steel.
Lose my family? i had already planned divorce- and my son is almost grown. i would never risk HIS happiness, but i no longer have to worry about needing to be here, raise him, nor what he thinks of mom on her own- he's supportive.
Lose money? hell- that train left with the first wave of bank foreclosures.
Risking looking like a fool, and finding out somewhere down the road that i had been duped and left behind at the end was just about the only thing i feared- but it was also the biggest of them all in many ways.

Then one day i was watching "The Ghost and Mrs. Muir" with Rex Harrison and Gene Tierney. Writer Philip Dunne had caught the entire conundrum in a nutshell.

"Real happiness is worth almost any risk".

Real Happiness. *REAL* happiness, not the temporary kind, not the facade without the meat, not the happy face but the closed off heart- not the woman waiting for something *someday* instead of today. Not the fantasy of accepting blindly for a moments peace, nor the happy that comes when one has 'settled' out of fear, out of boredom, because we grow tired.

i looked into my soul and asked myself what would happen to me if i did NOT take this leap.
The slowly curdling frightened soul that stared back at me disgusted me to the core. If i 'looked the gift horse in the mouth', if i ran away from this amazing wonderful man, if i did not take the leap, i knew i was lost forever.
No one would ever be a more perfect fit to me than this man, and our reunion was no accident.
11 days later, i wrote this prose.

__Icarus__

"Don't Jump!" they yelled
up through the sky
as she stood on the precipice above
swaying
"Don't do it!" they called from the safety of the pavement
frantically watching
the lonely figure on the edge
looking down
"Stop and think!" the crowd mewled,
begging notes of anxiety
their words laced in surety
eyes shielded from the brightness and the sun
their own fears uppermost
in their admonishments
"NOOOOO!" they cried in unison
watching her lean forward
head into the wind
looking up.

As she stepped off to find the sky
They did not see the beginnings of her wings.

Dec. 18th, 2009
In His care, His pet, shadow

We never leap alone- and if we share that fear of heights with the loved one, we cannot fall- we can only fly.
This time, i am not 'building trust'.
i just have incredible faith.

Copyright shadow, May 15, 2006All rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.com for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

The Prime Directive

2010-03-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

#200. Taking care of Your Partners Toys
Essays on a life of P.E.
March 2, 2010
by shadow

During a conversation with a new-ish person to BDSM, i was once again reminded that the internet allows ACCESS to BDSM without STRUCTURE- something we had back in the dark ages when a person could not become a member of the public community without arriving via another kinky person, going to private events, and being MENTORED.
Now a days, people google us up, show up at a public club, beat each other silly, and often have no clue about the deeper and larger foundations of WIITWD (or the acronyms- go look that one up if you need to).

The Prime Directive is one of those underpinnings that make all power exchanges both possible, and easy to do as a dance for the bottom.
The biggest problem for me when i became a power exchange player was that there were times i wanted to say 'Hey, that deep throat thing not only hurts, but i think it will fuck up my ability to speak at my class tomorrow" without feeling like i was topping from the bottom.
Being home sick in bed, i once got up and went out in the rain because i was living with a standing order to do an errand. i got much sicker.

How is a submissive or slave person supposed to both serve unconditionally and not end up killing themselves?
How are we supposed to navigate the realms of information VS selfishness and independence?
What is too much information?

The Prime Directive is the catch all for this.
Now, Star Trek fans will remember this:

"In the fictional universe of Star Trek, the Prime Directive, Starfleet's General Order #1, is the most prominent guiding principle of the United Federation of Planets. The Prime Directive dictates that there can be no interference with the internal development of pre-warp civilizations, consistent with the historical real world concept of Westphalian sovereignty. It has special implications, however, for civilizations that have not yet developed the technology for interstellar spaceflight ("pre-warp"), since no primitive culture can be given or exposed to any information regarding advanced technology or the existence of extraplanetary civilizations, lest this exposure alter the natural development of the civilization. Although this was the only application stated by Captain Kirk in "The Return of the Archons", by the 24th Century, it had been indicated to include purposeful efforts to improve or change in any way the natural course of such a society, even if that change is well-intentioned and kept completely secret.
"Pre-warp" is defined as any culture which has not yet attained warp drive technology and is thus, implicitly, unaware of the existence of alien races." Wikipedia.

"The most prominent guiding principal" is the key phrase here. It is about encompassing everything else based on something important that is designed to stop total destruction.

For kinky folks that adhere to the idea, the "Prime Directive" is simple, and applies to subs, bottoms, property, etc:

* The slave is responsible for taking care of, maintaining and protecting all her Owners toys.
* The slave is the most important toy.

Easy?
Well, once you can wrap your brain around it, yes, it is.
YOU dear bottomish person, are a toy, a tool, a plaything, a partner in BDSM.
YOU are the most important thing in your partners life, and as such, you have to protect and take care of yourself.
Are you sick? Your job is to make sure you don't get sicker until you get such orders from your partner as change that.
Did you cut yourself? You are supposed to stop and fix that, clean it, cover it before continuing with whatever you are doing.
Are you in the middle of a scene and sure that you are about to have some horrible flashback? It's your job to notify the partner that something awful is about to happen.

Within the parameters of the BDSM realm i live in, the power people want their partners happy, safe, and able to play again. We don't go the 'Boxing Helena" route because we want to play with those parts AGAIN. Most of us believe that the bottom is supposed to be taken care of and protected by the top, and that the top WANTS to make their partner happy- because, if the bottom isn't happy, they are going to leave.

How to do that is not always easy, and can be tricky for the bottom to participate in without this magical 'prime directive'.

When playing, it is your JOB to give the top all the information about what is going on with you, be it cramps, bleeding, pain, fear, or the fact that the building is on fire. You are not allowed to hide that or keep it back. Reporting on how YOU are is what YOU are there for- they aren't mind readers! Is that bondage on your hand making it go numb? Your JOB is to take care of the toy- so reporting on something UNINTENDED by the top is your job.
Playing all weekend and now you have some strange symptoms? It's your JOB to let the top know.
Supposed to go play tonight but you fell and hurt your ankle? It's your JOB to report that info before the Top begins with their plans.

Now- once you GIVE them that info, what they do with it is their decision. YOUR job is to protect the toys, and, depending on your level of Power Exchange, that could, for a basic bottom/ top pair, include calling a scene because you feel damage of some kind is imminent.
USUALLY however, it's about caring for ourselves in the day to day, moment to moment.

Bottomish persons, especially slaves and submissives, tend to want to take care of everyone else before themselves. We will push ourselves when we are not healthy, we will ignore injuries, we will cut our needed sleep or take on chores when we should not. Having the "Prime Directive" in our lives means that we have an order to NOT do those things- we have to take care of ourselves as well as our partners, family, owners, friends, jobs, lovers, etc.

Before i clean up the toys, i clean up myself. When i take time to sharpen knives, i am maintaining them just as i maintain my own body through good sleep and exercise. When i wipe off the furniture, or hang the floggers to straighten, or re-handle the canes, i am taking care of them so that they can be as good as possible- good as new- and used again. They belong to their owner, *my* owner.

So do i. And i am not allowed to do anything that will damage this property. NO self inflicted injuries (cutting, drunken stupors, driving without a seat belt, eating 50 donuts in a row), no forgetting medications, no pushing myself beyond safe limits in my day to day life.
i have to show up in my best possible condition for my partner.

It also means that, when we are learning the dance, when we are new, and getting used to each other, that the Prime Directive keeps me safe. i am SUPPOSED to be watching and evaluating that person, to make sure they can take care of me, that they know what they are doing when they pull out that toy, that they are going to make sure that i am taken care of.

It doesn't mean that we over ride their orders- but it means that we do not have to just SHUT OFF our own natural inclinations or ignore our fears for personal safety.

It takes some time to wrap one's brain around, it doesn't offer someone carte blanche to be selfish, and it is a fluid thing that becomes less and less needed over time as a partner learns about you, the individual and becomes more and more in charge of your world. YOU, bottomish power exchange person, are not in charge of your whole world anymore. But you still have to maintain yourself to be able to give yourself to another. Take care of your partners toys, for they do not belong to you, and they are important, expensive, and loved. YOU are the most cherished toy there is.

Copyright shadow, March 2, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Whatever You Want

2010-02-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

#11.Whatever You want
The art of serving with style.

Essays on a life of P.E.
February 24th, 2010
by shadow

Owners of flesh are human, and in most good TPE M/s relationships, that human element is alive and well.
Owners want the input of their slaves, and slaves, given their feelings on 'control' are loath to give it.
"What should we have for dinner" they are asked.
"Where do you want to go shopping?".
"What movie do you want to see?" and a million other things.

My fellow slaves and submissives all have their own ideas on their unique situations and how they feel about that. Each of them has a story to tell and a reason for what they do and why they do it.

i have my own reasons for often- heck, USUALLY- saying "whatever You want Sir'.

i am not trying to be obsequious, subservient, or even just too complacent. Nor am i trying to get attention by forcing them to ask again, nor am i just a doormat. i have very clear wants and desires, needs and likes, dislikes and a list a mile long of what i want to do or see or read or be.
i have just come to the realization that i don't LIKE IT when i get to be the one in charge.
When i make the decision, i am never surprised, never exposed to something new, and never get a chance to have things happen in some way i am unaware of.
When i make the choice, i am choosing from a list of things i already KNOW- and might not be taking other possibilities into account.
The core reason, however, is that i have chosen wisely.
This is the second relationship i have had where i was careful to make sure that we share core values, and that our lifestyles coming into M/s had lots of common values and parallels. We have the same tastes in food, movies, wine-- we both have ashes of loved ones, we both have not just similar, but exactly the same tragedies in our pasts.
We both come from Admin. Justice backgrounds, and we both were born and raised here in the same valley- middle class kids in a middle class world.
i have chosen wisely with this man, and so it is EASY for me to just say "Whatever You want Sir", and not worry.
He wants me in His life, and so He is always aware of what i might like or dislike- and takes that into account. If it's something i dislike, i know there must be a reason, and so i am happy to be exposed to something that pleases Him.
He and i share values, likes and dislikes, so when i say those words, i know that He is going to chose something within the realm of what i also will probably like.
It drives Him nuts some days, this 'whatever You want' syndrome i have, this ability to let go so easily, this sincere happy place where i do not HAVE TO choose or control or get what i want (or think i want). i get what i want just BEING with Him now. i HAVE all the things i need- He sees to that, and He watches constantly, evaluating, learning, paying attention and filing things away. Just as i do.
We are both in that place where we want to please the other, and we want to make the other happy. THAT is what real service is all about, isn't it? BOTH parties taking care of the other, providing what they need, and feeling accepted, respected, and appreciated.
He works a second job for me, and i get up at 6am daily to get my life in order for Him.
He pays attention to every weird thing i do, runs my diet, my activities, and oversees my plans as well as keeps up with my writing. i learn what He wants, i bring Him what He needs, and i live each day in His service with everything i do as an act to please Him.
Do i care where we go for dinner? No- i trust Him.
Do i care what movies we see? No- we both like the same things and have the same tastes.
Do i care what we do sexually? heck no- He wants to do everything, He's more fucked up than i am, and He learns daily where the buttons are in me as i learn where they are in Him.
i do keep him appraised of things as they come into our lives. He hears what movies i think look good days before they come out. He knows what kinds of foods i love, and i let Him know about new restaurants, or evenings i would love to have with friends.
i give Him this information in advance, with the intent that it is for information only- He does what He wants with it, and i have no assumption that i am going to go where i mentioned or see who i mentioned.
i have given that info to Him ages before He needs it. That makes His life easier as well.

"Whatever You want Sir" is not a cop out or a flake out or a brain dead response.
It is my sincere reminder to Him that i want what makes HIM happy- because His happiness makes me feel warm to my toes.
He picks things He likes- but that are also probably what i might enjoy.
He picks things for us both.
Whatever He wants, He gets.

He wants me- and for that joy and sharing, i am already happy forever. All the other choices are just temporary.
When He chose to keep me, He gets whatever He wants. That's the way i am.

Copyright shadow, February 24th, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

Mirrors of Ourselves

2010-02-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

#9.Mutual Protection

Essays on a life of P.E.
February 26th, 2010
by shadow

How can a slave protect herself when she is not supposed to protect herself, but to turn over that protection to someone else and trust THEM to protect her?
IS the Prime Directive supposed to cover this with the caveat that it's OK for a slave to be slightly 'suspicious' and cautious for X number of days, weeks, years, in 'protection of the property' even as the Owner is supposed to BE THE ONE doing that job?
Because really, slaves cannot do both. You can't turn it over and still hold back.

This is not a 2 part test. It's a continuum we travel, turning over more and more, and with each turn of the page (turn of the screw? O. Henry's tale is actually fairly close to what this is about), we have to expose more and more of our hearts, holding back less each day, each hour, each time those lovely words happen, each time He or She handles something, each time He or She shows with their actions that they are willing to sacrifice for us.

Now-- how often do you see the term "WILLING TO SACRIFICE FOR THE SLAVE" in all those stupid chat forums? You won't. It freaks out the fake dominants, and it scares the hell out of most of the bottoms to even MENTION that in a public forum , but really, when you get right down to it, the RELATIONSHIPS that are REAL are NOT the ones with the omnipotent Domly one lording over what they want and demand and the cringing little slavey person sending money and cleaning and begging for attention and to give service.

The ones that last are the ones where there are 2 real people both committed to making the other happy- the fact that we have more rigid interpersonal relationships, that we negotiate where power flows, that we each know both what the other expects of US and what they expect to GIVE when we start is icing on the cake of human interactions. The basics are the dating/ getting to know you period where we, as bottoms, if we are SMART and intelligent and are living with REAL expectations and NOT FAKE FANTASIES, are watching to see if the top is going to keep their word, is going to make things better for us or worse, is going to handle their commitments, be the person we want to have as a top, and even- GASP!- sacrifice parts of themselves to get US into THEIR lives.

Yeah- how's THAT for turning the tables? Out of all that fantasy and forced ritualization of our lives, the bottom line is that this is supposed to be a long lived, deeply fulfilling relationship for both parties, and in order to do THAT, the human animal on each end of it needs to see some commitment happening- which includes the other side giving up things for them, making changes for them, showing some INVESTITURE to the new relationship.

i see that every day with Him. He invests His time, His finances, His passions. i invest with my time, with my commitments to the things He has asked for (my health, diet, sleep- He asks, and i obey). Neither of us has seen a partner give THAT kind of commitment to that extent before. Now, to ME, changing my lifestyle habits is easy, natural, and i take it for granted that should He announce tomorrow that He wants me to live on nothing but coconut oil and parsley, i would do that- and keep it up until in the hospital and attached to a feeder tube. EASY for me- it's my nature.
He has never had any female in His life be willing to follow rules like that, or just sacrifice what they want because HE said so.

To HIM, changing His hours, losing sleep, driving 3 hours a day for a job just to be near me- that's the kind of commitment He is willing to do and has done in His life. He has MOVED, bought new homes, and taken on tasks and volunteer work He didn't necessarily want to up front because it would please a female partner. In EVERY case, they did not reciprocate. He seemed to be giving and giving and not getting back. To Him, taking a full time job after retirement to have money to take care of ME is just-- 'what He does' (that's a direct quote). To me, it's practically a miracle. He feels that way about what i offer Him.

So, for each of us, we are not sacrificing- we are doing what we have always done- give of ourselves to please a partner. For each of us, what we are GETTING is some incredible gift we have never had anyone give to us before.
i might be just a shade jaded, but if that isn't a great power exchange story, i don't know what is.

Copyright shadow, February 26th, 2010
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#41. Who are You?

2009-12-26T16:04:00.000-08:00

Being honest about being yourself.

Essays on a life of P.E.
April 23, 2009
by shadow

Each of us has a bio of some kind, and what it is says a lot about us, not necessarily in words. The phrasing we use, the kinds of examples we give, the pieces of our lives we share all add to that total on line picture of us.

As do our first meetings and the things we do/ wear/ say/ think at that time.

Recently i read a long winded discussion about meeting a dominant male the first time and if potential slaves and subs should or shouldn't 'dress as requested'. It was the jumping off point of my thoughts about dating, about me, and about finding that ultimate partner.

Let me just start with a simple idea. If you are wrong for each other, you are wrong for each other and all the care and attention to trying to please the other or impress the other or test the other will just prolong the amount of time it takes to come to this realization.

Yes, people can change- but not drastically, and not without deep reasons. Yes, people can give terrible first impressions and turn out to be exactly who you dreamed of sharing yourself with.

Keeping those things in mind, the flip side is, if they turn you off right away, they probably aren't what you were looking for. A good example of this is my ever changing bio on Fetlife.

It's long these days. i keep adding things that i think are important. If a great dominant stumbles across it and hates reading it, then they aren't the right one for me. Why? Because i AM a writer, and i love writing and i need to have an Owner that WANTS to read my stuff as i create it, and to critique the ideas and assumptions for me. So right off the bat, someone that sees that page of text and doesn't want to read it (barring just not in the mood at that moment or has just lost their reading glasses, etc.) probably isn't the ultimate collar for me in the future.

I get into 'bitchy' modes. Once in a while, i also get into ego stroke range and need to show off just how bitchy i can be- and i POST those bitches, gripes, complaints, and slaps. The man that can see those and LAUGHS is probably someone that will appreciate me. The man that reads those and shakes head and thinks "that is unacceptable in my property, but something i can work on" is possibly someone that i can serve with commitment and love. The man who reads one of those bitch slaps and gets all twerpy pissed off and takes uber offense at 'that crap from some bitch who doesn't know the meaning of the term slavery' is someone who doesn't know the meaning of the term slavery and is not going to either appreciate me or get along well with me.

So my honesty in posting-- even when i have not thought it out well at the moment- is a window into who i am and what kind of woman lives in this brain. The Owner out there that seeks one to serve and respect them will WANT to have a deep well of information to play with, and WANT to have a woman of strong temperment and emotion to corral, and WANT to look at all that as 'good stuff to mold'. Being me and trying to post as honestly as possible is helping, not hindering my search.

Should i have censored each thing for how politically correct it is, i would not be showing such a real picture. It might be more pleasing to more men, it might bring more replies and invites, but eventually all those excess meetings and dances in the dark would prove futile, because the person they thought i was in print was a watered down censored version of the colorful flamboyant sensitive woman i really am.

The same holds true for first meetings. i am cautious by nature, and i want to get to know someone before i expose too much of the easily wounded parts of me. That means keeping my wits about me and staying OUT of slave space early on while i evaluate how i feel and watch what he does. Many great Owners that i know have stated that they WANT to tell a woman what to wear- or at least suggest the style that they like to see on a gal- in order to get some eye candy and to see if the woman really is interested in following suggestions or orders early on. For them, it weeds out the wanna-bees and they are stripping off one layer of protective camouflage so they can get a better glimpse of the woman they are considering. They want their coffee date to be exhibiting some of the traits they are looking for, and submission, both in her demeanor as well as her clothing (or lack there of) is part of that for them.

The good ones know, however, that ALL the scum want to dictate what you wear on a first meeting, with lots of suggestive clothing and fantasy fulfillment involved (they don't get past coffee too damned often, so they layer it on while they can). The newer men to M/s and D/s do this as well, because they are still learning and have more fiction than reality to work with. New young women are eager to please and DO dress the part as asked without question. Unless they are scooped up off the planet on their first date and live happily ever after with that one man of their dreams, they will not always be so mallable. They will eventually grow older and get burnt a few times and scared a few times and have men ask them to do things that they did even when uncomfortable, often with disasterous results. They will spend hours dressing for dates that don't show, they will dress inappropriately for work so they can meet up at lunch or right afterward, and maybe put their jobs in jeopardy. They will dress in clothes that make them uncomfortable and end up giving a bad first impression. They will spend money to have EXACTLY what the gentleman asked for, then he will dismiss them and the fetish wear they personally hate.

We slaves and subs and bottoms are made to be manipulated, but over time we often grow protective shells and skin like leather. The good girl is still inside there, still awaiting the right moment, the right situation, the right man, the right Owner. She just isn't always right out on display the first moment she is asked by someone who is, for all intents and purposes, a virtual stranger she is meeting for the first time.

For me, i want to dress appropriately feminine, slightly more vulnerable than usual, and always with taste and an eye towards what looks best on me, that day, for that first meeting. Should the man be an ardent lover of fishnets, i would have to mention that i don't own any right now, but that i do have a pair of something laddered that he might appreciate. i would not go out and spend money on fishnets (they are hell on my feet for standing around in, biting into the heels in many of my good shoes), but i would make it clear that i am MORE than happy to oblige should our relationship continue for any length of time. i would stand on fucking fishnets till hell froze over once i found another love of merit in my heart.

What probably would turn off 90% of the men i might meet for coffee is still EXACTLY what the owner of my dreams wants. He wants a girl that is NOT throwing herself at every 'dominant' that crawls up to her door. He wants a girl that is thrifty enough to not spend money she doesn't have taking a flyer on a coffee date. He wants a girl that can keep her wits about her and protect herself when he is not there to do so for her- and that means using her common sense and being cautious about how much she exposes both physically and mentally to the new men she meets.

My belief in safe calls, even for coffee dates, is legendary, and i teach that every woman is meeting a stranger that first time, no matter what she learned on the phone and internet. Even if he has 'references', if those aren't coming from her PERSONAL friends who know him well and know her well and know where you both live, then they are suspect. So i create safe calls for coffee dates. The owner of my future likes this idea. His property is no fool, and she takes basic precautions when she is not with those who are her Owners. He expects to arrive for a meet up and have me evetually have to excuse myself to get the phone or make a call. He would not impede that idea by either demanding i ignore the phone nor would he tell me "Do NOT make any calls without my permission" (yes, i had one do that last year in SF. It was a very exspensive dinner for him since he ignored every signal and warning i sent out about his demeanor and demands). Would i ever take any call but an important one while meeting up with a potential Owner? Hell no! The man out there understands that, and has already evaluated several dozen women that have not risen to certain standards, including rude phone chats while on a date. he can tell he difference between a short check in and a chatter fest with a friend. He is aware of both sides of the coin, and i am aware that He is evaluating me.

Finding someone to spend the rest of your life with is a process, and the honesty you show from the outset makes that process easier for other honest seekers. Yes, it gives the dishonest manipulative ones more hard facts to use, but they are also at a disadvantage, for they do not understand that a smart slave is evaluating not just what they are and what they do and say and wear, but we are evaluating THEM at the same time.

Men who take no power at all on a date worry me-- have they been burnt and are cautious, have they had a rough day and want some down time and are not making this first date important, or are they just not that kind of Owner? Men who fail to dress at all for a date send out clear signals to me that i need to be aware and evaluate them further- are they naturally super casual, were they coming direct from work, or do they just not have anything appropriate for first dates?

Most of us know, within a few moments of meeting eye to eye and face to face, if the person across from us sparks something, makes us damp, gets our attention, or brings out the NEED to take control. After that moment, we have changed the nature of the meeting, for we now have something to lose. We have smelled fresh meat, and wanted to taste it. We have been happy with all the lead up information and now the in person contact has whetted our appetite for more.

Once we want more, then we have a whole new set of reasons to be 'unreal'. Wanting to please someone very much rather than show our feelings over issues and ideals, rules and philosophies of M/s. Wanting to impress on the woman your style, your demanding nature, how powerful you are sexually. Once we have made that basic "Yes/ No" decision we have a bit of an emotional attachment forming and we want things to go well.

That is another time when we are most suspect and likely to fall back on dishonest, but BDSM socially correct behaviors. False giggles. Chest puffing. Age regression. Control and decision making.

If we do them out of a desire to please but they are not something we are comfortable with, then we are still dooming the relationship. If we do them because they come naturally in the situation and feel right, then we are showing the honesty and growth potential in the power exchange.

Being "the best you can be" is honest, and something to strive for, but if what you do is behavior that is not normally and something you are not going to be repeating, they you are leaving false expectations on the partners side. And example is the infamous nipple tweak. If she hates that, and you never normally do it, then you might have run off a potential girl with a behavior that she dislikes intensely. If she loves it, she will want you to tweak her nipple regularly as part of your relationship - and if she loves that kind of thing, she will become ultimately dissappointed in you and the behaviors you exhibited only for courting.

Doing something to show you CAN when you never will again as a dominant partner is just as bad as submitting to something you hate hoping never to do it again and knowing it is a deal breaker in the long run for the sub. It creates false expectations.

Creating impressions is never easy, but should we try to mitigate things about us by manipulating them for the sake of others possible interpretations is not a good philosophy.

Your bio is you. When long and involved, it says something about you. When totally absent, it still says something about you. When written with humor, it says that you are a funny person who expects to entertain and laugh. When written in haste, it shows that you have not put time into showing a potential partner what you care about. Those might or might not be things that are true about you, but before someone can take the time to get to know you, they have to be attracted to SOMETHING about you first. The more they find in those first impressions, the better your chances at having a deeper relationship with them.

Do not fret about what others say you should or shouldn't do, or mull over how you wrote or said or did something afterward. You were being yourself. The right partner will see that, and want that, even if the particular action or post was not your best. The right partner will be tempermentally suited to your natural self. If they are not, they are probably not going to be the right partner for you.

You are a unique cup of tea, but you are not everyone's cup of tea. Who are you?

Copyright 4/23/09 shadow.

All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#88 Diamonds and Rust

2009-12-08T21:44:00.000-08:00

Essays on a life of P.E.
December 8th, 2009
by shadow

When a relationship ends, especially an M/s based one, both parties usually take a lot of time to try to find their bearings. The deeper and more committed the relationship, the longer that takes to being feeling "ready" to enter the world again, to laugh, to talk, to begin to play.
In slavery, the rules are pretty firm, and once a slave has started down that path, they become ingrained. The eye contacts, the tone, the service, the considerations and expectations.
Those things might fade with time and disuse, but they are, and always will be, based in a permanent mindset.
Slavery, like few other things, is deeply ingrained and doesn't fade easily.

Starting over, however, is much harder than it sounds for some.
First, there is the point where you feel ready to go out in public, to talk to others, even if it is stilted, even if it is painful to even breath the air every day. Those early days are often filled with tears and stilted silences and half hearted explanations that don't really explain anything.
Then comes the friendly reunions and folks who come to offer their support, touch, hugs, warm spots and simple play to keep your brain from freezing.
With time, you find your way back to the pool of players, the people that you knew, and you find your 'new' self taking over things that your 'old' self had as well. Placemarks of our lives are not easy to avoid.

After the basic healing comes the first dating, and that is not done without much trepidation and deep fear that you aren't ready, can't do this again, will screw it up, forget the rules, be unable to perform, not have any love left for anyone. Dating, like many other things in the months to come, is one false start after another as the idea becomes less about finding happiness and more often about just finding a fuck or getting a dinner and a movie or even meeting someone you can talk to for more than 45 seconds without thinking ' loser' in your head.
There are a lot of people out there in the world seeking love and affection, and many of them mistakenly believe that BDSM is the easiest way to their own fulfillment. They aren't real players, and they don't understand just how much they stand out from the 'in crowd'.

Eventually, real people become new friends, real players become new partners for short term meetings, weekends, and the bits and pieces of 'casual' life that we most often populate our worlds with.

Then comes someone serious.
Then comes the hard part.

Suddenly, you realize you do not get to just slide into this situation, and you don't know this person's protocols or habits. Do they like petitions? Are they leather? Do they want to negotiate everything right up front? Do they expect you to have your own toys?
Suddenly, everything changes.
Standing there, you might well look around and realize that you are RUSTY. You cannot remember what you wanted on your limits list- or even to ASK about THEIR limits list.
You find yourself wondering what you should do next, even as the excitement builds and the heat starts to move into the room.
Things will never be the same as they were before.

They will be different, and you, like a work horse too long out of halter, or like a finely tuned car too long in the garage, sputter and stumble, forgetting how the basics work, forgetting even some OF the basics.
They are skills you have not used in years, ideas so familiar that they were absorbed and then washed away with your tears. Now, suddenly, after all that hard work, all that time and energy, you find yourself at a new challenge.
You have to start over.
Your toybag is full of jewels you have been, gems of your past, and you will find them as you search around in your heart and in your head. They will be there with the old tools, and those just need to be cleaned of the rust.
Time to get back up and running.

Copyright shadow,Dec. 8, 2009
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#29. Run Through the Jungle

2009-12-08T09:46:00.000-08:00

Essays on a life of P.E.
June 2006
by shadow

I spend a great deal of time reading what other BDSM writers have out on the net, and ran across a great old article of Kayla Kuffs about Doms pushing their partners limits. It was informative, clear, and had a great deal of stuff in it that I respect.

Quickly on, however, I noticed that it was rather one sided. It was all about submissives (or bottoms, or slaves, or whatever you would like to call the half in the power exchange that is NOT in charge) feelings and issues when *they* are pushed.

Being the slut I am, I immediately jumped to the other side of the PE coin. What about when slaves push Dominants?

"What in hell?" you say? "How could that be?"
Yes, I am talking about when the bottom pushes the Top.
This is entirely different from "topping from below," which is a manipulation game that is often to the detriment of both parties and makes honest communications difficult.

Submissives pushing the Dominant’s limits is far different. One example might be Doms that find their new partner wants to do things that have bothered them for years. The Dom then has to evaluate both the relationship as a whole, and how much this topic or issue might affect the couple, as well as their own inner edges and desires. Sometimes, if a Dom finds out early enough in the courtship period that the bottom has desires that they are not comfortable with, there is a happy parting of the ways. Once a couple has joined up for a more long term relationship, the topic needs to be considered differently.

Some Doms have hard limits that they will NOT cross (blood sports, breath play, rape games, etc.) even though they are important hot buttons for their partners. Rather than pushing their own limits, they might loan their partners out to someone else for those games, or learn to play them in a much more acceptable way that still fulfills the submissives needs.

Pushing the Dom might well be something as simple as time management. High maintenance slaves and subs that are partnered with Doms who have already full lives will invariably be pushed by their partners to find more time for play, to incorporate more contact during the day, and to manipulate their schedule to focus more attention on their submissive partner. Most Dominants know that both sides needs must be met in any M/s relationship, and if a needy or attention oriented submissive feels neglected or unfocused for too long, they will leave for greener- and more controlling -pastures.

There is also a deeper and very important aspect of pushing.

Pushing the Dominant partner can be a highly charged edge with a stable couple. It can come about during play without any "topping from below" needed. As a scene unfolds, Dominants often have a "map" or "plan of action" in their head about what they want to do, or where they plan to drive the situation. Submissives, however, are not predictable creatures, and for somethat have more primal urges, their mental focus and attitude can become a driving force for both partners.

Some call it "beast meat," others "primal play" or"inner beasts," but the effect is usually the same- an emotional separation from one's grounding, a mental space where animalistic urges and desires take over internally, a departure from the personality they normally expose in play.

So there you are, hot and sweaty, pulling out the 4th or 5th toy in your arsenal when the girl you KNOW every inch of suddenly quits whining or moaning and suddenly becomes almost empowered even though she is firmly tied to that cross or bench. Guttural sounds are emitted, and the normal responses you are comfortable with are replaced with someone who might well spit at you, scream or laugh maniacally, or even growl and bite.

Those are the times when a dominant has to keep their head. They are suddenly being pushed into something deeper, possibly more dangerous, and with more potentially serious consequences than they might imagine. Being pushed- having someone reach into your head and throw the switch from "nice guy" to animal- might have some dire consequences.

It is always a very difficult thing for a Dominant to not "let go"and keep their inner urges at bay. Having your partner suddenly push all that control aside with desires so hot, emotions so raw, or primitive urges so dangerous that they trigger your own primal needs is a kind of edge play that very few people will even admit to, let alone go to.

The line between normal sane human and insane inhuman sadistic monster is being erased by the submissive. They are pushing your boundaries just as surely as they push for more popcorn at the movies or an orgasm at night. This pushing, however, is neither manipulative nor controlledby them. It is that beastmeat moment when they have found a way to strip off their sophistications, to jettison their contrite social face, and to delve into the darkest thoughts they can muster.

A Dominant having that suddenly confront their already heightened sexuality, sadism, and flowing power can easily be pushed past where they had planned to go, pushed past where they are comfortable to play, pushed past the mental controls they have carefully built up to protect BOTH their partner and themselves from the darker and more destructive thoughts and desires they carry.

Like a woman with a match lighting a powder keg, a submissive that displays NO FEAR or edges and invites the Dom to throw off their limits and indulge their animalistic tendencies is begging for an explosion.

Knowing that the possibility exists is important.

Knowing ones self, ones limits as a Dom, and the triggers that make your blood run hot and your judgment falter is equally as important. As a slave that sometimes finds herself deep in the woods, tasting His scent as He chases me, high on my own power and need and focused intent, I have watched myself turn my head in the darkness, just to make sure He is going to eventually catch me, and hoping that I can push Him to break His leash.

My owner knows this- His beast knows mine intimately, and He has an ironwill that seldom waivers (seldom... but not never).

Keeping control of that leash- knowing yourself and where desire becomes criminal, play becomes damage, and temptation cannot be ignored is a very important part of what we do.

Recognizing when your submissive's beast has called to yours and pushed your reason aside is one of the signposts on the road to being a Master.

Copyright shadow, May 15, 2006

All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

For Love or Money

2007-11-29T00:47:00.000-08:00

#12. For love or Money
Volunteering and the compensations we receive.

Essays on a life of P.E.
November 28th, 2007
by shadow

Over the last few years, as i have grown and moved through the BDSM scene in Western USA states, myself and a few friends have noted many changes.
Time ebbs and flows, technology makes things work differently, takes some hard jobs away, adds new jobs to our lives.
But getting the scene to function, making the parties happen, organizing the events, hosting the munches, advertising the classes, painting the play spaces, and a million other jobs, chores, and projects in the underground alternative kink communities takes volunteers. Not just your friends, but lots of strangers and acquaintances with helping hands and open hearts.

Volunteering seems to start with that splurge of happiness that many folks find when they arrive in public play. They are suddenly, magically, LIVING the fantasies they always dreamt of, meeting people that DO the things they have wanted to, talking to people about all those secret things, and the flood of goodwill often transmutes into the desire to help out.
Altruistic tendencies in people abound, and have been extensively studied.

Most kink groups promote volunteering openly and loudly.
Without the bodies doing the work, the great ideas behind events like Thunder in the Mountains, Black Rose, and the Master/slave contests would be only sweet dreams that no one could afford to pay for.
Without volunteers, there would be no TESS, no Janus- every group, big or small, depends on one or more people creating the dated events and publicizing them.

The creators in the scene are always desperately seeking those who want to help to come to them and offer time and energy, expertise and advice, so that their visions can become real, and their communities can be offered some new vision or event. They seek out people offering to help. They cannot live without them. We also know that happy volunteers are the best recruiters for others to come and help- having happy team members makes others want to participate.

But not everyone is cut out to be a volunteer-- and worse, not everyone or every group is mature and well trained enough to find the right people, use volunteers well and keep them around.

"It has become more important than ever to improve the way we manage this scarce and valuable resource.
Organizations depending on volunteers must make sure that those people already working with them want to
stay. They must also find ways of making assignments interesting enough to attract and involve others.
A satisfied volunteer is the best recruiter" *.

Dictums such as "our volunteers are extensions of the organization and will act as if they represent us", "they are just volunteers and shouldn't be held to any standards" and "well, what do you expect from people if they are not compensated" are just a few of the hundreds of attitudes that permeate the non-profit world. All of them are detrimental to the organization and create negative opportunities. ALL of them are quotes heard at kink events.

Most kink volunteers WANT to help out- and no one who ever gave of their time did so because they wanted to deliberately mess up, not do the job, or create more trouble than they were worth, feel abused, or feel that their time was wasted. Yes, sometimes it turns out that way, but their original intentions were never of that vein. Your volunteers want to be there so they can achieve many things, including:

Gaining a sense of accomplishment
Getting experience they do not have for future paying jobs
Giving back to the community
Getting recognition and being appreciated
Spending time with people they like or want to get to know
Meeting new people and gaining a sense of being "part of the group"
Being with other people and avoiding loneliness
Having something to do during the event when they are not occupied
Having some power and control over something they believe is important or or value

The number one reason that people volunteer for something is that they believe in the cause and want to help achieve it. Studies have shown that people who volunteer come from families that had volunteers in them and nurtured the spirit of volunteering.

The way leadership runs their group, treats the staff, and understands the volunteers is going to either make or break the organization over time. Many great groups have folded because they could not sustain the sheer numbers of helpers that they needed.

All too often, the leadership of any kink group has come about that position naturally through their own unique talents, as they have created the event or organization without conscious desire to do so, and suddenly find themselves in the position of having volunteers working for them. They usually do NOT have the training or skills to handle this, although they ALWAYS BELIEVE they have the skills to do this. Unfortunately, that often creates strain and problems with volunteers, and the management doesn't necessarily even understand their own shortcomings that might contribute to the problems.

Having employees (and volunteers ARE employees the most precious kind) that are not feeling supported, appreciated, and who do not feel that they are noticed means that those people not only will not continue to help- but they will openly speak badly about the group and push others away. Volunteers that do not feel supported by the organization or have to do work that they did not sign on for become dissatisfied and hostile to the very organization they once wanted to help.

Coordinators of volunteers should be aware that volunteers might simply fade away from an organization rather than tackle the source of their discontent.

Leaders that are too busy to pay attention, who are overwhelmed and heap work on new assistance, or who do not understand the abilities of their volunteers are in for trouble.
It is important for organizations to provide volunteers with the opportunity to achieve something — however minor — by matching the volunteer with the job that is likely to provide the kind of results the volunteer is looking for. Kinky group leaders should take some time to talk with their new friends about what those folks are looking for, what hours they have available, and what they expect or need to feel successful. Just 10 min. with a new person asking them about their desires and needs can make or break a good outcome.

Kinky groups also tend to burn out volunteers with work that they volunteers did not want to do or do not like- meetings seem to be one of those issues. Volunteers, by and large, want to BE DOING, and NOT PLANNING or REPORTING. They often feel that their time is precious enough that it should be spent in the acts they wanted to accomplish, and if they do not see a sincere need for the meetings or reports they will neither buy in to the idea nor participate as needed.
Aside from "distractions" of the job, there are other turn offs that drive away your volunteers.
Disorganized management can waste a volunteer's time. Anything from making folks stand around to assigning other people to work that volunteers have already begun can trigger resignations. Not guaranteeing the right materials or the right amounts also creates conflicts.
Lack of board support or organizational support is widespread. If you only pay lip service to what you need but do not spend the time setting up jobs properly and providing PROFESSIONAL feeling support, your volunteers will feel that they are invlived with amatures that do not understand the skills they have and cannot truly appreciate their work.
Indifferent staff attitudes, including not having everyone "on board" over where volunteers are working and what their jobs are creates tension and conflicts between volunteers and the people they work with or report to. It also means that volunteers duties should be respected- having someone in charge of a job while others are either doing it for them or jumping in to "help them' when they have no asked for it leads to resentments and loss of volunteers.
Limited training and orientation undermine the best efforts. Your people need to KNOW whats going on and feel that they are part of the loop- or they will walk. Making sure they have been given all the information they need to carry out the job- up front while they are in training rather than piecemeal when crisis's strike- is essential to having happy volunteers that feel included and not abused.

Lack of contact and support creates tension, isolation, and feelings of loneliness and abandonment in people. Keep your volunteers connected with lots of information, positive feedback, and regular chances to interact with others in the organization.
Volunteers need to be matched up with the right assignments as well, so asking people what they like doing, or offering them choices and then checking in frequently to make sure that the long term feelings are still positive about their jobs is important.

Perks are no big deal, unless they're withdrawn! Insufficient supplies or withdrawal of perks gives volunteers the impression that the organization does not value them because it did not allocate sufficient resources to manage them properly.
By and large, volunteers don't make a big issue of getting something in return for their efforts. However, when something has been offered by the organization, like free coffee, and then it is withdrawn, sparks fly.
Conversely, the volunteers that will offer their time ONLY because of some specific perk- discounts to the event, free items or hotel rooms, chances to meet celebrities or stars- will then focus ONLY on achieving those free items and will put in the minimum amount of work required to receive their free gifts. This does NOT make for good volunteers or a happy organization, and creates a revolving workforce comprised of those who do not care about the job and those who MUST volunteer if they want to get in to the event at all.
Neither is the optimum mindset of a great volunteer.

Great leadership remembers that what attracts people initially is not necessarily what keeps them around, and they nurture the people that want to stay with the organization. They pay attention to volunteer fears, which often include fear of spending out of pocket unnecessarily, fear of loss of autonomy, and fear of being held accountable personally for the rules or actions of the organization. Good volunteer management sees those possibilities and works hard to minimize them.

Another large gap in the kink world is when we do not take advantage of offers the first time. Volunteers are PRECIOUS, and yet all too often, people have to offer their services 2,3,4 or more times to more than one person before they are given an opportunity to help out. Getting back to people in a timely manner on the FIRST offer is important, and failing to do so is a sign of poor management skills. Then, matching them to the right assignment or job will take care of 75% of the problems that might otherwise crop up.

Few people that want to help out want to run the ship, and with good reason-- most folks find it tedious and more trouble than it is worth. They are not excited by the larger management issues of organizational goals, effectiveness, strategies, structures and facilities. Most volunteers are content to do their assignments and leave larger organizational issues to others. It is possible that one reason for their reluctance is the sense of freedom that they value about their direct service work. For others, it is a time commitment, and for many it includes not wanting to deal with too many petty internal politics and cliques fighting behind the scenes for power in larger organizations. Some volunteers blind themselves to those issues and the complain bitterly when they rise in the group to a place where they are suddenly within the loop of communicaton where those power struggles are taking place. Others only work with small groups or with organizations with one strong leader. Many others just refuse to get involved at all after they have been exposed to negativity- and their input and expertise are lost.

Great leadership can easily be judged by how well people who were not friends describe the experience of volunteering and how smooth recruitment drives go for groups. Having communities that appreciate the need for volunteers, that rally round the organization when large events approach, and that speak well of the experience afterwards are benchmarks of leadership that cares and understands the people that give of this precious commodity.

Years ago, i worked hard for a large local club, often putting in 50-60 hours a week during the final days before our big events, and usually working closely with 15-20 people over several months, year after year. The fiscal equivalent was probably close to $30,000.00 per person in what we were given of their time and skills.

We got to know each other intimately, and, as my best friend in the group put it, "lived in each other's pockets" for days at a time. Some of us got along in smaller spurts than others, and, as is wont when people are thrown together, there were invariably clashes and hard feelings over time- sometimes building over years.
Each season, the leadership- the 2-4 top folks and the 10-12 section leads- would put off our "after event" meeting for a full 30 days just to "cool off"- some folks were just not able to work well together until after we all had a long break and a chance to step back and see the event with some perspective.

Having such strong feelings that we needed a 30 day breather was taken as a 'given evil' and we all understood that while we might strongly want to throttle each other, we none the less worked *well* together as far as promoting and creating the event, and for several years in a row the same "usual suspects" worked at various positions, with a few new faces replacing the 2-3 drop outs each year. Between us, we had over 100 volunteers working with us, as well as at least 3 separate contracts negotiated by 3 different leads for work to be handled by 3 outside businesses. Overall, the 'team' handled about 130 people over the course of a 90 day period working up to, and including, the event itself. Not to mention the 300-400 attendees.

It was a daunting task, and one that showed quickly who had skills and who didn't in personell issues. Those leads that could work well with others had returning volunteers every year (not just their personal *friends*, but others that only had contact with them for volunteer time), had repeat contacts over contracts- and had contracts that got BETTER, cheaper, and smoother as the years went by. Most telling was that the organizations founders had LOTS of us that wanted to keep coming back. One in particular, a natural leader, impressed me most with his sincere desire to make sure that no matter what the job, the problem, or the feelings, that we were having FUN.
That same natural inclination was part of my Owners philosophy as well- "We're Havin' Fun" became our group's motto and one we still live by. No one should ever give of themselves and then feel unhappy or unappreciated- no one should have a bad time!

Offering your volunteers a fun, rewarding experience with support, engaging work that exploits their natural skills and empowers them to the level they are comfortable with is not something just anyone can achieve. Possibly the most important job in any group is the volunteer coordinator. If you are a group leader or convention manager or party planner, there is no excuse for not understanding and appreciating those who come to you and want to help.

Other sources include:

http://www.nald.ca/fulltext/heritage/ComPartnE/pdfdocs/Whypeopl.PDF
http://www.volunteerpro.com/past_newsletter_001.htm
http://209.85.173.104/search?q=cache:jEzAo_Q-JH0J:www.volunteer.ca/
volunteer/pdf/VOICE2.pdf+why+people+volunteer&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=5&gl=us&client=firefox-a

Copyright shadow, Nov. 28, 2007
http://tinyurl.com/dnqhp
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

The Vampire with a Soul

2007-11-05T07:38:00.000-08:00

#5.
The Vampire with a Soul
Why the bad guys swear that what you see is not what they are.

Essays on a life of P.E.
November 5th, 2007
by shadow

Fictional Heros have those great flaws but are anomalies- unique, special, and one of a kind. Buffy falls in love with Angel- the Vampire with a soul, the guy who LOOKS like all the other bad guys, but really- really- is the one true thing because he is special.
He may look live evil and dress like evil and only be able to come out at night like evil... but hey! If you are close to him you know he's *special* and has that soul.

That is what makes fiction so fun. That is also what makes it FICTION, not fact. In real life, those *special* people that seem to exist under the radar, hiding where few but the true believers can see them, just don't exist.
The real people that masquerade as "special" or "unique" and seeking the chosen few are, in every case, posers, strange frightened wanna bees that have created a fictional story to lure others closer and people their fantasies with others that can be manipulated, used, and lied to.

But it is easy to be drawn in when you are alone, hungry, frightened, angry, and *desperately* seeking exactly what they are offering. It is easy to overlook the obvious flaws to their logic, to create or give excuses for the huge holes in logic and reason that their fantasy worlds offer.
MOST of the people in the scene that are trying to make you believe that they are "the one good vampire" (the one good married guy, the one good unemployed guy, the one good munch attendee, the one good slave) are looking you right in the eye while they spin their stories. They are solid flesh and blood standing in front of you, telling you things that you SO want to believe, and often, we find ourselves making up perfectly good excuses for why they are lacking that is inordinate.

The 'on line' vampire is however, unique in his or her capability to spin fantasy to heights and depths that real time jiggaloes, mama's boys, cheating husbands, thieves, psycho slaves, and the rest of the human panoply in the scene cannot. And the really sad, mean, awful part is that, while the rest of the real time monsters are, when all is said and done, REAL, the on line fantasy is not real at all- and the people who interact with them are just wasting months and years they can never get back- or worse, conned into believing that the illegal and dangerous activities they are drawn into are ACCEPTABLE KINK and something that is part of WIITWD.

One "slave" seeking love and hope found a web site that drew her in with the fantasy laden promises normally only found in romantic bra-rippers, and wrote to a real time slave group about how wonderful her new "master" was, complete with how His family all over the world would some day welcome her home once she served him- long distance- on line- long enough. Her posts included how she paid her OWN WAY to fly overseas to meet him sometime, and lured other women into his cult.
Posts from others in the group seemed not to dissuade her from her believe that THIS vampire really did have a "soul":

"XXX wrote about the dangers of cults in the context of writing about The Path of the Quiet Storm. Her labeling Quiet Storm a cult -- whether directly or by implication -- is entirely inaccurate. I am a member of The Path of the Quiet Storm. I hold firmly that in no way is it a cult. It has only benefited me in my life. I feel an obligation to set straight the record and point out why these points about cults presented by XXXX DO NOT apply to Quiet Storm."

The moment that the rest of us began to point out the obvious flaws in this neophytes logic, she became hostile, defensive, and left the group. Honest questions made her feel uncomfortable.

Posts to her about her deep beliefs tried to expose those flaws:

"Most members of cults feel exactly the same way.
That's why we call them cults and not sewing circles.

While i truly understand your needs and desires, your deep commitments and
relate to your feelings, i also know that when a girl needs to be slave or
servant and finally finds *someone*, that is usually their head over heels moment
of total belief.
It means hunger.
It means need, and want, and desire.
And when people are so desperate for their kink to be fulfilled, they will
make sure to keep anything that might block that from happening out of their
line of vision.

It is no means disrespectful of you or what you need or do or want or have...
it is a group reaction to the guy that has snagged you, had you fly all over
hell and back on your own dime, had you help him get other girls to do the
same, and is creating this world that, while romantic and oh so full of
mesmerizing sexuality and service and "a higher cause", seems for us to really has no
basis in any fact that can be proven or backed up or brought out into the
light of day outside of his web site.
But, we do keep trying to hope that we are mistaken, and that there is
something MORE to this cloud flurry than just his enormous ego.

That is why we are asking questions.
That is why no one is giving you grief.

You see, all of us *are* real.
We have friends, events, parties, auctions, sales, service, and conventions.
Pictures of ourselves and the teachers, the "trainers" (well, that word is
so loaded that most of us laugh, but we will continue to use it as it is), the
mentors, the fellow travelers on our paths.
Most of us have, at one time or another, met someone like your dom (always on
line. These men are not public players and shun contact with the real time
BDSM world) and try to warn newbies on line away from these men, for in the long
run they will not fulfill what is *really* in any woman's heart- but they do
fulfill their own fantasies of being the domly dom of the great old world
palace - and usually while doing it they manage to never spend their own money,
never have real social contact, and act like a "cult" leader.

Now, from what i have read, this man you serve is not quite like that -- you
are here for one thing!
Most of the jerkos would be AGHAST if one of their girls found real time
players and started talking to them, going to munches, and learning about BDSM in
real time, for they would have this same thing happening to those girls- but
since they were just paper lions, the relationships would fall apart quickly.

In your case, i am beginning to doubt that this guy is as we initially felt.
But the egomaniacal web page (and yes, i am sure you can see our viewpoint,
even if you do not agree at all with it) with all it's mystical assertions but
nothing more concrete than a URL leaves most of us feeling less than
comfortable about *him*.

And i understand why you are protective and defensive about him. i am too
about my Master.
Mine however, runs a real time group that meets at a real time restaurant
that posts real time meeting notices.
Mine co-founded a real time dungeon with real time pictures and real time
events that we drove to and that are legendary around Sacramento.
Mine teaches real time classes, shows up at real time conventions, and
tonight we are going to a real time party at a real time house with 3 other real
time couples- some of whom we met at *my* real time munch.

i came into the scene SO desperately hungry that, before i found real time,
there was a "dom" i spent a lot of time and energy interacting with long
distance on the phone and the net and by mail.
i knew, within a few weeks, that he was a fantasy dom.
He never "had time" to get out to his local munch and meet the other people
there (so that they could write me about him).
He never was able to come see me, or even meet half way.
He had lots of TALK and computer stuff to see and read and do.... but that
don't feed the tiger.
That's OK... i caught on quickly, and so i didn't lose precious time (years
or months) giving all my needs and attentions to someone that was not going to
be what i needed to fulfill my life, but merely a distraction.

Now, if you have no DESIRE for anything ever more than what you have, even if
it *is* something as described above, then most of us here probably should be
kind and back off- for you have found exactly what you want.

BUT**** if there is one iota of need, one little finger of regrets over
things not fulfilled, one evening of despair about what you feel others might be
doing or having that you have not got, then please be kind to us and let us
keep asking questions and offering information.

Right now, it might not be anything more to you than offensive questions or
comments about "your master", but then again, i defy you to find any person in
the history of the world that was seriously involved with a cult leader and,
when they left the group or person and found a new life, did not admit that
while they were in service, they would have done *anything*, so totally involved
they were with the stories and promises of the leader in question.

Jim Jones is the ultimate case in point. Only those of us who have felt the
longing and the pull of *something* in our lives can understand how those 900
people could believe in one man so fully as to follow him into the jungle,
leave their families behind, and eventually do what they did.
And even then, most of us cannot understand how they could do that with their
children involved as well.

The human capacity to ignore reality for something NEEDED in the heart is
amazing, and goes through every phase of mankind (how did the German people
manage to ignore what was happening in their own towns before WWII? How did the
American people ignore the slaughter of the native Americans? How can any
battered bloody left for dead woman still wake up in the hospital and swear on her
life that her partner didn't do it, didn't mean it, and that she deserved it?),
so finding that is is often exploited within the BDSM community is not a
surprise.

Nay, considering that almost all of us before the current wave came here and
created a world where we don't use real names and believe confidentiality is
the most important social requirement, it is not hard to understand how that
atmosphere also is a perfect breeding ground for the wanna-be-s, the "twue
dominate massturs" and the abusers of the world to flourish.
In order to protect ourselves, we not only have to keep a low profile from
the "vanilla" saviors of the world, but also have to try to weed out the future
serial killers that use us as a hunting ground. We have to isolate and
identify the folks that show up in our real time kinky places and cannot keep
secrets, cannot quit writing everything in open blogs and keep posting pictures
without permission of people that really want to keep a low profile. We also tend
to not want to see lovely, committed, deeply passionate people taken for a
ride, especially one that is expensive and has a termination point that will
leave them unfulfilled and in pain.

"D" made some very valid points between what everyone else here
is/does/sees/works towards, and the way you are living your submission-
not that we want to judge this if it rocks your boat, but that so far, we
don't SEE how this is working.

Training per se... as an example.
When *i* want to be trained, it is for "something:
trained to serve tea to a room of people.
Trained to give a great pedicure.
Trained to learn to run the equipment at a convention for a party.

When the people i have served wanted to use me, they did.
They trained me on how canes felt- and worked up slowly over time...
but they did so as scenes that we negotiated and i learned as we went..

When the people i have served (and whom are there to fulfill MY needs as
well, that's why they call it a power EXCHANGE rather than a power giveaway) and i
felt that sex was on the table, that happened- on their rules, but within
pre-negotiated boundaries as we each needed.

Every one of the more than 1,000 real time kinksters i have met, played with,
served, or enjoyed while i was a lead for the Folsom Conventions could tell
you the names, dates, and places where they learnt what they do, who taught it
to them, and how to get in touch with that person if you wanted to.

When they meet across the world for events and parties, it is not under some
cloud of "secret society" ...... and the leaders of the groups are often very
high profile, writers, teachers, and fundraisers to protect our legal rights
as adults to be what we are and do what we do.

i know that you are probably not going to have any changes of heart at all at
this time- but i personally hope that, no matter what your life becomes, that
it is EXACTLY what you always dreamt of, and fantasize about, and is
complete.
If not, i hope that you will read all these nice folks comments and
reconsider what some of them have said, and continue to relate to us."

It's been 2 years since i wrote that post, and the slave is question has gone quiet on line.
The 'master' still has a web site ( http://quietstormpath.org/ ) -- only now, no one but the victims he has suckered in from his on line prowls can get inside-- i have no idea why, but i would bet that it's so damned sad and funny that he can't stand the criticisim's and cannot justify the levels of BS.

These people will ALWAYS find victims-- they are vampires- but really, you have to remember that vampires don't have souls.

Copyright shadow, November 5th, 2007
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i999shadow@aol.com
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Touch me

2007-07-21T15:19:00.001-07:00

# 10. In the Flesh
Essays on a Life of P.E.

by shadow

Touch is the most basic of human needs. We all know what the studies say about babies who thrive or fail- that skin to skin human contact is not just important, but vital for the human condition.
Knowing that, i sometimes feel that we humans tend to put touch into the "sex" box in our heads and make it a priority only when we are aroused, only when we are deliberately focused.

Some of us identify heavily as contact laden beings. i need to be TOUCHED, to feel skin on skin, to have my partner reach out to me. i never really knew this before entering the public scene, only that i craved something that was missing.

i remember well the first moments that my Master and i met, and the need to have Him touch me. We spent about 2 hours in the company of others before we left to go talk, bond, sexually swim in each other's presence alone in a parking lot. The first thing He mentioned that became a steel beam between us was the need to have meat- and from that moment forward, that was what He has called me. The *second* thing we both hooked on was touch. i told Him i liked that idea of always being in the "awareness field" through touch, and He told me that He needed to always have some contact such as a hand on me. He needed to not just know He had control, but to feel a constant feedback to that control under His power through touch.
From that moment forward, i felt incomplete without His hand on me as i drive through the days or sleep without Him. He feels that emptyness as well when there is no undercurrent feedback from my skin to his.

i sit and watch people at public events and notice the subtle changes in them when they make contact with a partner and when they don't. Their body language is so subtle that they do not often even realize when they have changed postions and rested against their other half. Their arms relax more when a partner reaches out and touches them, or comes from behind to "lean" in them and join a converstaion. i see more smiles, and less guarded interactions when the person has made a skin bond with another.

We see that in the reverse as well- hostile angry people tend to jerk away bodily from those who touch them without permission, from strangers who brush too close, and most especially from those they USED to have some better relationship with that has now soured. Touch, for them, is as painful as a 1,000 watts of power racing unstabilized across the sky. It's touch burns.

That kind or reaction reminds us that the intimacy of our skin is deeper and more important in our hiearchy of protected space than someone seeing us naked, or hearing our cries of orgasm, or tasting our blood and sweat and tears. It is the touching that we value above all else.

For many, the *deliberateness* of the touch is an intimacy as well. Remember when you were a child and one of your siblings or friends "touched you"? That repeated, deliberate poking, the sly, "here my finger comes again to your arm" game that inevitably ended with screams of "He's Touching me!". That too comes into play when evaluating what we crave.

A lover's accidental touch that is *unnoticed* by them is often slightly dissapointing. A strangers *deliberate* brush against the skin is an extreme violation akin to rape. Intentions change touch for us, and the friendly hug that is asked for and welcomed by and leather family member is quite different from the friendly hug proffered by a stranger.

Craving touch is what humans are programmed for. Removing that from the equation makes us wither and fade. Love without touch is a glass half empty. Life without touch is a lie.

Copyright Strong Eagle's shadow, July 21, 2007
http://www.shadowseverywhere.blogspot.com/ All rights reserved.
Please writei999shadow@aol.comfor permission to repost.
All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

2007-04-08T02:48:00.000-07:00

#9. Riding Shotgun
Why some labels about M/s will never hold true.

Time goes by, and part of the growth and learning curve is accepting and celebrating the differences we find.

One of those is the differences in the way women in scene see themselves.

Bottoms.
Submissives.
Slaves.
Property.
Bitches.
Objectification.
Girly subs.
Leather Women.
Dykes.
Bois.
Boys.
And more.

Within all of those labels and groups and subgroups there are worlds of differences.

Some of the problem is in the way people percieve us.

Some of my friends identify as the "Warrior Slave" paradigm. They are strong women. They are powerful women. They can and do kick butt and take names and are the equal of any man on the planet.

They none the less have found one man they will "submit" to.

Some Feel feminine. Some feel powerful. Some feel tough and boyish and light and happy and safe and not the least bit "submissive", even if there is one other person in their world they respectfully and with devotion demurr to on decisions that have been negotiated away.

As a matter of fact, a LOT of them feel that way- and so do the men who own/love/care for/hold the control end of the relationships.

That is not something you can say out loud in M/s land.

Somewhere along the way, a great many of the lifestyle committed members of society started looking "askance" at those of us that do not fit their "label" of what slave is.

Maybe we are biker chicks- except many of us are not into bikes. But we fit that mode of "freedom and independence" within a relationship.

Maybe we are Amazon women- expect we like and respect and SUBMIT our WILL to men.

Maybe we are Native American women, fighting along side the men.

Maybe not. We ARE smart, in control, responsible people with more than enough brains and brawn to take down a small gang riot without calling out for help.

Our men understand this. They see that what they want is NOT someone who is easy to control or "handle". The sadists and Dominants and strong healthy men that are drawn to us want a challenge, want something special and hard to understand, something that is not available to just anyone. They are looking for partners, not just fuck toys, not just wives, not just playmates or a great cocksucking, eyebatting, ass wheedling, big tittied cutie in a great corset.

Sometimes, they don't even LIKE the corsets. But they often really enjoy sitting back on the sidelines and watching us "take out" our problems. They sometimes give off a little smile when they see some naieve dom-wanna-be get too smart for their own good. They like a woman who can hold her liquor, load her own shotgun, or throw her own whip.

It adds to the power they control. It adds to the possibilities they can explore. It offers them a deputy when things get rough. It gives them more.

"you’re like a loaded weapon that I have a permit to carry.”

That might be one of the coolest things i have ever heard said about one of my sisters out there in M/s land. It is a sign of respect for her independence. It is a HUGE sign of just how self assured and confident the man is.
It means that HE is not intimidated by HER. That makes HIM even sexier!

"I do not fight her fights, I clean up her messes."
D. speaking about a. , her 357. smith and wesson, and her temperment.

That is a man that likes a woman with spirit.
Now, men SAY that all the time, but what they often want is the "kitten with a whip" kinda babes that are all wet lipped and over boobed.

So what about the warriors, the spirits, the strong willed primal beasts that walk in leather and denim and don't like glitter and won't bat their eyes even at the threat of death?

We need to cherish them more, and understand the slavery they bring to their relationships is often MORE intense, HARDER to give, and sweeter to their partners.

They are women that do not say "Yes Sir" lightly.

They are women that do not defer to others before they have earned it.

They are women that have found their place with another only after a long time searching their souls. Leaning on someone else is not in their nature. Doing it "his way" is not their first choice. This is not a paradigm they wore near the skin or soemthing that their friends in elementary school could predict. It is not something obvious in their nature. It is a deeper well they drink from.

"Words are loaded pistols." (-Jean-Paul Sartre, writer and philosopher(1905-1980), and none are more loaded than "submission" and "slavery". Service is not submission. Slavery is not submission. And while they DO submit to the desires of the partners they obey and respect, they are not submissives.
They are the women that will run TO the sound of gunfire.
They are sheathed in emotional steel and fire, and the choices they make would break lesser beings.
They are the women i want standing on the hill with me at the end of days.

The men that are drawn to them will forever be on alert, for these women are not ones to slow down, make things easy, or give in if they are right. For the partner that dares to hold the leash, they will give their lives.

For some interesting sites that offer more to think about, try these:
http://www.bikernet.com/accurateengineering/PageViewer.asp?PageID=925
http://www.joellessacredgrove.com/FaeryCircle/garden.html

Essays on a life of P.E.
April 7th, 2007
by shadow

Copyright Strong Eagle's shadow, April 7th, 2007http://tinyurl.com/dnqhp
All rights reserved. Please write
i999shadow@aol.com
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2007-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

#120. Fresh Out of the Box

Are you going to go to something in real time or stay on line?

Essays on a life of P.E.
March 20, 2007
by shadow

First off, let me say that everyone has their own truths, and what *i* have as personal experience might not be the same for someone else of another age, place, date, or time...

When i came into the scene, i was as nervous about identity and staying "out of sight" as you are now.
i didn't WANT or NEED to be a public player, my life was full, and i was fairly unconcerned about making any new friends.

In my head, i thought i could attend a few munches- where there would be a plethora of unattached tops and bottoms attending infrequently, but in sufficient numbers that i could easily make a connection with another kinky person- find someone to play with, and then start a private relationship.

That was not to be.
i was very afraid of running into people that i knew in vanilla land...so i went FAR afield. i drove 90 min each way to attend Monterey events (i have since met a dear friend who drove to L.A. every weekend!).

In my head, this fantasy relationship had NOTHING to do with my vanilla relationships, either in appearance nor in considerations... in my head, MY fears would all be carefully worked out by this anonymous person (the Dom!) who would make sure that *i* felt really secure and all comfy and knew all about them- yet i would get to keep my life private and walled off from them until i was VERY secure and we had established some kind of relationship.
It was a very one way street. Even the best case scenario-that we would reveal each other's personal information at the same time, equally, was a pipe dream (after all, what if they didn't HAVE a jobsite, or kids, or moved a lot, or weren't married)?.

i did not KNOW a lot about my REAL sexual self either... i was just beginning the journey, and had no idea that i was either an attention slut nor a public humiliation player- both of which would have languished and died had i not taken the plunge after a while (out of necessity) and started attending public events.

i had spent YEARS on line- and since the ratio of "players" (fakes, people getting their kicks out of ONLY on line, no matter what they say, other fearful people who would NEVER really MEET but swore they would, and those who had such problems that they needed to lie like a dog and therefore COULD never show their face) outnumber those who are seriously intent on carrying out their promised actions by about 200 to one.

Yes, you heard me... 200 to 1

That means that if out of every serious committed person i talked to i found only 1 in 100 that had the same likes and dislikes as i did, and the same sincere needs, i would have ended up dealing with (taking the time to write and get to know) over 20,000 people.

i do believe that you would need several LIFETIMES to dig through that pile.

And if i had been a male slave seeking a FemDom, it would have been WORSE ... for there are maybe 200 serious male bottom players for every female i know.

i found a few other things too...
i found out that i was playing some dangerous games by not really KNOWING what i was doing and playing at the "but i will find someone that is trustworthy that will KNOW what they are doing with that whip/crop/cane/gag/rope/teeth/anal plunger/enema/knife/ etc....".

MOST of the people out there that have not spent time taking classes, going out into stores and asking questions, working out with other pro's to TELL them the scary parts, well, most of the time those people end up being dangerous and hurting others unintentionally.
Permanently too.

i have met a woman in a wheelchair for the rest of her life due to her FIRST playdate with someone she had communicated and trusted for YEARS on line before they played...turned out he did not know what he was doing and he damaged her spinal column with nothing more than a bondage mess up.
i have met a lady who speaks with a guttural whisper due to a broken larynx from a SINGLE incident where her partner grabbed her throat and crushed it by mistake.
i have met tons of boys with serious scars and marks due to accidents with fire and knives and bondage and everything you can think of.

Since THEY never took the time to learn about safety and the right/wrong ways to use certain items, they had no way of knowing-or stopping-the person they were playing with from doing something REALLY stupid.

i know a gal who's partner died of a heart attack while she was on the cross-tied (shades of Gerald's game!). But *i* also know how to do that with some safe calls in place if it's me... and how to get a partner DOWN from a cross if they pass out tied up-- even if they outweigh me by 300 pounds.

i have taken Dungeon Monitor courses and learned what to expect in a dungeon, what is responsible and what is foolhardy.
i have taken classes on how to *do* things well- from fisting and singletails to creating a kidnap torture scene that can start at a public venue, to how to run a great interrogation play scene.

Getting oriented to the area players you are hanging out with is smart ... because you will find out pretty fast WHO is out there with a rotten reputation (maybe she steals money, maybe she spreads genital herpes, maybe she abuses boi's and then tosses them away and breaks their hearts), and who is a *great* introductory player.

You will quickly find out who is *into* your specific kinks- and who isn't.
You will get a "feel" for what munches and events make you comfortable-people that you can ask questions to- and who gives you the heebees and might be better for you to avoid. You will learn who is VERY friendly and good at helping, who is a great party animal that might invite you to the ONE great private party of the year where all the kinky people show up that NEVER show up elsewhere, and you will learn what is appropriate to saying hello and what is just yuccky.

Then of course, there is the *reality* of dating rather than the fantasy.
While there are more serious players that are not public and do not attend functions, most of them are KNOWN players to at least a few people... and they might never meet you or even run across you without a reference from one of their friends.

Because, for all the dark dungeon stories of hanging off the walls and being sold at anonymous slave auctions, the REAL world runs on making friends and getting to know people real time. References. Building trust by being there in person.

The scene is no different than your church or your office or your college. People make friends and get to know you, and they introduce you to THEIR friends and invite you to private things with MORE friends and get to see you out there and how you act and talk and then even more friends make the connections about you and your future permanent dream partner eventually sizes you up from across the room when you are least expecting it and suddenly you are HAPPY.

There are thousands of boys that will throw themselves at someone's feet and offer everything-it bores some of the women, and they hate being non-consentually added to someone's fantasy. Most women in scene that are FemDommes want to have a man who is not a doormat and knows how to act like a gentleman rather than simper at them. Most dominant types do not want to micromanage a slave and would like someone with skills and independent tendencies that they can both rely on as well as use against us for their enjoyment.

Yes, anyone can (and do) find their partners without ever leaving their keyboard. But why not advance your odds, shorten the search time, learn enough to not make stupid choices or foolish decisions, and get some play time in before you become so *hungry* for play and touch that you ignore warning signals and make a bad decision?

Most simple basic public munches do not allow any kind of recording devices, and no one really (so far) anywhere in the USA has surreptitiously recorded folks or taken pictures--- it would be their death knell as they were run out of their community and shunned across America.
Us leaders talk to each other, and we KNOW who the bastards are out there- the jerks cannot just slip in and make a new life if their local leaders are paying attention.

And really- why should anyone bother? They are all much too busy with their own lives and fun to car about someone else's face. There are specific events for those who want dungeon pics, and there are always warnings to anyone when a vanilla meeting includes some snaps of friends- and people are VERY careful about saying so right up front.

There are concert pianists, comedians, politicians, judges, TV personalities, and a host of other well known people that are into BDSM and do not want it shared on Letterman. They stay in smaller circles, but they still get out. They crave new people, using dungeon furniture they cannot get home (or afford), strange places, wild times, just like the rest of us.
They have all survived well knowing that their identities are pretty secure.

There are "protocols" in every community (i hate to call them community standards- screw you US Court rulings over obscenity), but really, there are. Most are the same.
Don't use your real name if you don't want to have it known- pick something and it will be honored.
Use a blind mail box like hotmail.
Meet strangers in public rather than take risks in private.
Take early playdates in public dungeons where risks are minimal and you have support and monitors for protections until you are better acquainted with your partners.
NEGOTIATE with everyone in advance from a place of equality. Until you put on that collar, you are just as good as they are, and have just as much right to an answer-- and if they don't want to do it that way, they are probably not as safe or as smart as you would need them to be.

Reading nonfiction is better than fiction for getting your sea legs in BDSM, and there are hundreds of great sites, from Castle Realm to Southern Cross to Alt Sexuality and the BSS boards. Use them. Read everything. Google things. Use library computers if you have to. But a computer on Craig's list cheap just for web searches and emails.

Play safe by playing with knowledge and coming from a position of educated BDSM player.

Copyright Strong Eagle's shadow, March 20, 2007
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2007-03-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

My Fortune Cookie told me:
Those shoes were a mistake.
Get a cookie from Miss Fortune

2007-03-12T02:15:00.000-07:00

#?. The Fuel of slaves
Part 1

What makes us tick.

Essays on a life of P.E.
March 1, 2007
by shadow

i write a lot of bits and pieces for our local area chat list, and this was one of them.

i ran across this thought:

"Pleasing a Dom can incorporate vanilla stuff like cooking them a lavish meal or waiting on them hand and foot, but it can exist on a much deeper level: it can mean obeying them simply for the sake of obedience. It is not simply a matter of enjoying being told what to do-- there are some subs who like that but who are uninterested in the other aspects of total submission and surrender. It is a state in which your obedience is a source of pride and pleasure for yourself and your Dom. It is going beyond the mode of "How can I serve you now?" and into the realm of "My obedience to you matters more to me than anything else; you can test it all you want, and I will prove it to you again and again and again, because I am your slave and that is who I want to be."

This rings really true for me, because PLEASING Him, reflecting HIS will, and being able to NOT QUESTION and just *know* that things are OK, that whatever it looks like, or sounds like, i do what He says and He's steering the ship makes me wet and warm and happy and calm and peaceful.

A lot of folks that don't GET M/s probably don't understand that.... and cannot get past the free will, independent person aspect. i know some probably cannot for the life of them GRAB HOLD of the idea that no matter how much i might WANT something, need something, etc., i don't want anything enough to undermine (well, TRY to ) this stronger relationship. And the 1 or 2 times i HAVE tried, i was greatful that it didn't work- if it had, i would have known it was time to end it and move on....

Having a relationship that i CANNOT for all the tea in china undermine or steer is vital. MOST of the slaves i know feel that way-- the moment that they thought they could get away with anything, get around something, run things, be in control, or in any way "get over", they wouldn't WANT to be there! What's the point of being the slave to a Master if you are more in control that HE is?????

The bit that feeds us is not the role, not the way the collar feels, not the kewl jewlry or the special boxed CD sets that only true slaves can order at Amazonwomenonthemoon.com, it's the feeling in the head that we get when we find a partner that knows us, that wants us, that takes care of things and is *running* us, the world, our lives, our hearts.

It's knowing that we will screw up every now and then, pay the price, and learn- but that Owners will go beyond the pale to NOT screw up, to THINK things through all the way, and that they have the experience in life to make the right choices.... which gives us freedom. Freedom to serve unilaterally, without reservation, without thought, without fear, without needing to "re evaluate" the orders in case of a problem, to not have to second guess someone or constantly cover our asses.
Yes-- if by some occassional chance we happen to notice something overlooked, we SHOULD speak (if we are told to), but it is not the norm.

The norm is knowing that when they say jump, you are already out of the chair before they finish expressing the "p". Obedience is a sexy thing all it's own- and a powerful erotic pull many in M/s have in their genes.

Strong Eagle's shadow

Copyright Strong Eagle's shadow,March 1, 2007
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2007-01-08T18:46:00.000-08:00

#55. So Deep Within You

Essays on a life of P.E.
December 16th, 2006
by shadow

Master does lots of things that i do not necessarily either agree with, like, nor even feel particularly good about afterwards. This essay is one of them. i wouldn't normally write about something this personal, but this time, for whatever reason He has, He has ordered me to write about this experience- before i get to sleep tonight.
Right now, it hurts to talk. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to breath a certain way, it hurts to think about eating anything very solid. It hurts to remember.
It hurts to know He will do it again.
He likes breath play- that nasty kind, the kind where your windpipe is shut down, and gasping is hard.
He is careful enough to try to keep me undamaged, not only for my family, but because mostly He wants to play with His toys again.
But He knows that some of the ways we play are dangerous.
He found a better way-- a more painful way in it's own, and a way that gives Him more pleasure than i could imagine. Last night, He turned me over on my back, dropped my head slightly off the bed, and told me to suck His cock-- only he didn't really want that. He wanted to watch me suffer as He fucked me.
He isn't particularly oversized in girth or length. He's better endowed than many, but not elephant man status. He's something comfortable to take in the mouth for a while until He is hard, and something i have to work on with zeal, a bit to slide down and slip my lips over. Normally.
Last night wasn't normal. He forced my mouth wider, and pulled my arms out of the way and pushed PAST the back of my throat.
It cut off my air instantly. But worse, it pushed open my throat itself, hard, painfully stretching my throat open and wedging himself in the esophagus. This wasn't cock sucking, this wasn't taking Him in my mouth.
This was different.
I had *thought* about it sometimes, and i knew that people talked about it. But most of your great porn sites show standard cock suckers- upright face on her knees stuff, with half the guys dick still visible. Very few women talk about "deep throating". The old movie might have made it a publicly acceptable kink, but reality is, few women can do it at all, as they either just can't quit the gag reflex, or they just don't have mouths big enough.
As i said, this was different. This was scary. i was suddenly not just meat, i was unable to handle it. There wasn't just *no air* for a few seconds, there was huge pain and my entire throat was stuffed hard and still pushing in/down and i was trapped upside down under Him. And He didn't care if i was vomiting (and unable to even throw up- His entire dick blocked my throat) and screaming in my head, eyes tearing up and nose suddenly stuffy and such. My bladder wanted to get go, everything hurt so much.
There were demands He made- mostly to swallow. i remember that. Some i really don't remember. But swallow came through loud and clear. He said it hard- vicious. Hungry. It was impossible, there was no SPACE to even gag or flex my throat muscles, and my brain was screaming for air. He pushed, and for a moment the pain in my throat was immense.
Then He backed out. Rushing for air, gulping, wanting to sit up- and jammed back down, His cock pushing back in. He did that over and over-- taking me past some place where i thought i could "wait it out" until He came, or "stand it for a moment" as He pushed into my mouth. He kept finding that spot- that edge in my throat, at which i could still close off and breath, and the place past it-- and then pushing HARD down my throat, ripping the membranes, and my brain would suddenly panic and my hands push and scratch and jam themselves to get it OUT OF ME. Blurry eyes and tears, begging in my head that isn't getting out of my lips.
Sometimes, He let me. Some times, He didn't and i found a fear i haven't ever had with Him. In those moments, He reached down between His legs and cradled my head in His hands and PULLED my face up to His cock- It pummeled the curve of my throat and bashed deeper than anything i could have imagined, and i was pinned, held, forced to keep alive for more, more, more than i ever thought. There was panic, twisting that didn't help, lurching for air that wasn't there, yanking attempts that just made the fingers dig into my face and my neck deeper. Fear that He really was going to push until He was done, push until i was dead and He was done.
He doesn't find "done" easily. He can come- repeatedly- for upwards of an hour without going totally soft, and sometimes will hang at the edge for several minuets before allowing Himself to ejaculate at all. My brain was trying to keep me calm and relax the throat even as the throat was ripped and in pain and registering terror and no air and my whole stomach rolling over and over.
There were moments at it's worst, when He had His entire dick all the way down my face, stuffed down my throat, when my front teeth were embedded in the back of His dick. i remember thinking in that split moment as He FORCED so hard down me, that i must be cutting Him open. His balls were right there, at my nose, my front teeth being forced into the back of Him, and yet He grunted and enjoyed it even more. Holding my head, yanking me up to take him. i couldn't even bite, there was no room. NO swallowing, mouth filling with fluids and unable to breath and the unbearable wrenching of my throat muscles pulled past where they should be.
And through it all, there were gasps for seconds- and then no air.
No air. Dark and swirling fear and panic no air.
Painful hurting ripped open throat no air.
Even if i did NOT have an over developed gag reflex, my mouth- and all the parts- are too small. Dentists fight me. Never, ever in my life had i had my throat feel that way since they took out my tonsils (which i hear meant opening the muscles to over 4" in diameter)- and it took 2 weeks to recover from that. i was under anesthesia for that. This was face rape. He kept at me, His cock never leaving my mouth, even when He backed off to let me grab air around His dick and widen my mouth to try to pull in as much as i could. A stroke- a stroke for air and then back down into me.
i hated it. No, i didn't hate it. i hate no warm up. i hate raw fish. This, this was more horrible than anything i could imagine. He was too big, and too long, and it HURT. Hurt without air. Fear and pain and terror and being pinned under him with no way to even move. i was suddenly so scared, so blindly frightened and scared that i wanted to never never never see Him again.
Eventually, after about an hour, He pulled out (still hard as a rock- apparently He had been waiting to enjoy this kind of pain), and i found myself freaking, curling away, afraid and raw and unable to make a sound and feeling like my throat was bleeding, the air suddenly giving me pain in my chest as i sucked in HUGE gasps of it and tried to roll sideways, my hands around my throat.
He threw me around and flipped my legs up into the air to ream my asshole. i didn't care, i just held my throat with both hands and tried not to cry. Swallowing was like knives. Stabbing pain.
Eventually, i know He took me several more times, more places, but i wasn't paying much attention. Dinner burned (i had put on lamb skewers just before He had ordered me on my back on the bed). i was still panicked, still savoring each torn breath coming in, feeling air like i had never known it, and shaking uncontrollably. My tears were everywhere on me, my nose running and swollen, cum trailing out of me everywhere, but only the awful sore horrid cutting feeling with every breath registered for several more moments.
He ordered me off the bed, and i slid to the floor and crawled to the oven, still holding my neck. Scared of Him like i have never been before.
He was beaming. And telling me just how bad it would hurt for many days afterwards. And warning me not to try to talk. That warning was not needed. It was several hours before my vocal cords could make noises beyond squeaks and hoarse garbled rasps. And each time, it hurt like He was inside my throat again, swelling and tearing it open to slide inside me.
The sick part is, at the moment He let me live and pulled out of me, i was HIS. So totally committed that even tearing me open would have been wanted. He could have popped out my eyeball and fucked the socket in that moment. He had me pinned to Him like a butterfly on a mat.

Later, after dinner (cold soft berries feel good in those moments), He told me He enjoyed that. He liked to feel me panic and fight. He told me that now, i really did understand that i only breath at His pleasure. He owns the air as well.

For A.J. Dec. 16th, 2006

Copyright
Strong Eagle's shadow
All rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.com
for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

2007-01-08T14:46:00.000-08:00

#56. "That Place"

Essays on a life of P.E.
Jan 8, 2007
by shadow

In one of my favorite and most comfortable chat groups, where as a newbie i found my voice, we still have new folks arriving and asking the questions that i myself asked- some of which i continue to contemplate.
Recently, someone asked what "that place" meant when referred to by a friend who is a long standing player.
For me, i knew *immediately* what that meant. But then i had to stop myself and consider the words i have read over the last 10 years of thousands of others on line. Those reading group insights have helped me see things in a lot of differing ways.

"That Place" might well be in itself a misnomer.

People are all different-- some differerences are so slight that we never notice them (breathing patterns), some are obvious but taken for granted (hair and skin color), and some are obvious ( severe physical handicapps, world viewpoints, anger management).

"That place" is one of those kinds of things.
Many- but not all- of the bottom folks get various highs through internal chemical changes when they play and "fly". Some more than others... some seem to fly higher and wilder, and often viewers might feel they are "faking" or "giving in to their indulgences" by using the excuse of play to ignore their inhibitions. Others find a quiet space of peace and complete rejuviantion. Others push their bodies and their minds and release their own emotional barriers.

"That place" for others can be one of abject service-- and can vary from such severe focus and connection on a partner that events happening around them are not just "ignored", but actually never noticed. For others, "that place" is more of an emotional safety area, one where cares and worries about things *not* BDSM related are left behind and their circle of consideration is that of only service and support.

"That place" for some Dominant types i know is one of huge ego freeing play- where they indulge in the dark things in their souls.
Sometimes, "that place" is their ongoing emotional satisfaction of control and being "king of their world" for themselves and / or their partners. "That place" can be one where they are worshipped sexually, emotionally, or even the satisfaction of a bootblacking from the chair (a class we are planning on holding this spring).
"That place" swings from emotional highs of endorphins out of control and pain tolerance that would otherwise kill a bull elephant to the quite servitude joy of a boy on his knees scrubbing an empty kitchen floor because that is his offering to his partner that day.

It is, most likely, at the very least, a change from the "normal" way we each feel, induced by our relationships or actions within the BDSM realm, fueled by our own endorphins, hormones, adrenal glans, and dopamines and seratonin levels, and increased or decreased by our own self esteem issues and feelings of security with ourselves and the people around us that we have given power to or taken power from.

i sometimes think that, if i am very lucky and my life continues as it has, "that place" will eventually be "this place".

Copyright Strong Eagle's shadow
January 8, 2007
All rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.com for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

2006-12-20T15:15:00.000-08:00

#50.
Giving it Up

Essays on a Life of P.E.
by shadow

I thought a long time ago that I knew about slavery- about giving up my choices to my partner, about making commitments to let someone else be in charge.
I was sure I had it all covered.

First, I gave up my rights to make my own general choices in scene.

Then I gave up my safeword in play.

Then I gave up my control over my body 24/7.

Then I gave up my control over all my personal information including finances of my family, access to our lives, and everything from home ownership to taxes.

THEN we negotiated a contract, and I thought I had given up everything else.

Sure.... Piece of cake huh?

Well, yeah, there were those moments when I would rebel, when I would feel anger and not sublimate it properly or when I forgot how to respond and had to take some time, get my shit together, and apologize.

Sure, there were days when I was irritated as all hell that He would make a decision and I was neither privy to what the final decision was nor even why it was made or what was considered when it was made.

Yes, I sometimes bridled under the feeling that there were frustrations (try walking through a whole mall and NOT being allowed to even fucking slow down and LOOK!), but after a little time and energy, a little reflection, and a lot of patience, I was comfortable with all of it.

I was only looking at the tip of the iceberg.

There were other things I still had not given up, nor even acknowledged that I had to give over. I didn't know that until they became crisis issues and Master did not see them until they came tumbling into our lives. They were not THERE to see.

I had someone from my past, someone I used to love well, lie about me out of malice and retribution. It was done in a mean way, and it was done by violating the confidentiality of not just myself, but of everyone attending an event. It was a nasty evil little piece of work that arrived in my mail box after a long weekend.

My first thought, on reading the thing, was to consider exploding. That passed almost immediately though. I have learned, through years of being Master's, that I really do NOT have to either acknowledge nor reply to every sling and arrow tossed at me. I have the luxury of knowing I am secure, that He is in charge, and that I do not have to jump just because someone else yells "jump", so within a short time, I was calm and rational. Over the course of several days, I was happy and pretty much ignored the storm raging about this issue. I wasn't reading any more mail and He and others that I trusted were handling the entire ugly incident. but something gnawed at me, popping up when I least expected to think about the issue.

I felt the need, with permission, to consult a kink attorney, as some of the issues surrounding outing private information had bothered me. They actually ate at me. Knowing that I had been, as the attorney put it, "slandered with malice" and lied about was digging into me.

You see, my "pride" was hurt. Someone had said something about me, and while the entire issue was resolved, my pride wanted to be satisfied. I wanted to stand up and confront the person just to make sure they understood that they had not made any "points" nor hurt me, and to correct any mistaken points.

I wanted, even needed, to handle some of it. I wanted my pride to be fed. I needed to protect some inner part of me that handles assaults (as I thought) poorly. I was still hiding myself and my control behind the wall with the big red P written on it. I didn't want to give up taking some role in my own defense.

Foolish, no?

Well, not really. I had, up until that moment in time, NO history of anyone other than myself ever standing up in public, out loud, and renouncing anyone, anywhere, on my behalf. I had always had to do that myself and after 4 decades of being in charge of protecting my pride, I had the knee jerk reaction. Yes, Master could handle the nuts and bolts. Yes, He and others would correct the mis-statements and stop the actions of others... but I still needed something... call it satisfaction. Call it revenge. Call it clearing the air.

While I was struggling in my head (fantasizing?) with what I should or shouldn't do about making my pride feel better, my Master was doing what those who are intuitive, patient, and smart have done from time immemorial for those they own and control. He was handling it ALL. He was reading all the posts between the original party and the others that the writer had spread the lies to. He was listening to all the noise, speaking with the principals, and sorting through all the chaff and the BS to not only correct the facts, but to understand and consider how I would FEEL about all of it. Without me there to make any kind of "stance" or request, he had the space to take total charge of my innards.

He took the time to really think about my ego, and to hold my pride to the same respect that He would hold my family or my skin. He handled the *entire* situation, not just the stuff that was surface apparent.

After a week or so, He wrote me an e-mail with His final reply, wrapping up all the lose ends including the thing that had gnawed at me, the part that I felt I *had* to handle myself.

It was a lightning strike to me. He did what no one else ever- EVER- had done in my life. He stood up and handled my hearts hidden things.

I expected the entire situation to be deftly corrected, quietly fixed, but often in the larger world, those "social" fixes carry niceties that gloss over a lot of deliberate cuts, ignore some very nasty bits of truth, and clear the air at the expense of some ground given, just for the sake of peace.

I had always fought against those fixes, keeping a part of me behind a large high wall of pride and concern where I felt only I could defend myself. I have a strong sense of social justice and fair play that most people do not have the stomach to confront. I tilt at windmills for the sake of tilting.

Even with all those "givens", all those hours of play, all those nights of crying at His feet knowing that I would cut off my arm on His whim, I had none the less held back unwittingly something vital and important and BIG in my emotional actions. I had not done so deliberately. I didn't even understand the workings of this part of my emotional makeup. I knew I HAD pride, but did not know how to give it to someone else.

I would never have even known I had done this and He might never have seen it, had I taken ANY kind of an active role in the whole mess. Even the act of making a decision would have been based on how my ego and my pride needed to be assuaged.

ANY input would have slanted the process. Researchers learn one of the most fundamental truths of observation is that once an observer moves close enough to observe, that observer influences the thing he wants to watch. I learned that even my being in the room while Master and others made contact might have changed the way it was handled and might have kept Master from truly feeling empowered to take charge of not only the obvious lies and untruths about me and my actions, but from taking on the added charge of protecting my pride.

I realized all this in one single flash of insight upon reading His final input. I realized, in that instant, something that is not always hammered home to those in the Power Exchange(PE).

We on each side of the PE are not only there because we want to be, but we are there at the pleasure of the other. A Dominant that does not take charge keeps a submissive from having the ability to give up power. A submissive that keeps control, even inadvertently, does not give the Dominant the space to take up that power. The door to my submission is the path to His dominance. That exchange does not and CANNOT happen with the simplicity of a contract, the logic of a checklist, or the abstract knowledge that one side WANTS to give and the other wants to take.

We are complex creatures, and the things we hide in our hearts are often not known to anyone, even ourselves. Sometimes, it takes a painful incident to bring us to a better understanding of ourselves, and a deeper level of our PE. We need to be educated about our own psychology and have a basic working knowledge of what we create in our own defense.

Sometimes, a Dominant has issues about being in charge of a situation, unaware that the struggle is not within the relationship, but within the submissive, learning how to dig deeper into the things hidden not from a partner, but from themselves. Sometimes, we have no idea what we still have inside to give up.

copyright August 2007 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it’s entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

2006-12-19T15:23:00.000-08:00

#26. Baby Step

Essays on a life of P.E.
November 6, 2005
by shadow

You are kinky. You have figured this out by now, haven't you?
You wander web pages, fantasizing about having THAT life.
You have gone shopping, discreetly, looking at new fetish clothes, picking up the occasional "toy", imagining that moment when you find a partner and get to play.
You got yourself an anonymous e-mail address that cannot be traced back to you or your house.
You have hidden your kink from your family.
You have lied to a few people about what web page you were viewing (and worked hard to find out how to erase a history file).
You have some books about fantasy sex, and no matter how many times you have told yourself that you just need to find a partner and slip off someplace quiet to live them out, you keep coming back to that 'page' on the web.

The munch page.

That list of places within your driving range where the happy kinky people gather to laugh and share and "interact".
You are sure that they are much hipper than you.
Much more in control.
They all have a LOT of experience, and they will all be dressed like that movie you saw.
Your boss will walk in, recognize both you and the situation instantly, and fire you the next morning.
Your life will be in shattered pieces if you go and meet those happy people, won't it?

Probably not.

MOST munches are held in public well lit family restaurants for a variety of reasons, the most important one being that they are the most prevalent places we can find.
It's hard to find a public meeting place for free, and restaurants are good venues.
Most of us try to find a place where they have a private room, or at least a private area where our conversations won't be easily overheard, and where we can all sit and laugh and talk without fear of our neighbors arriving or being seen by our cousin.
Sometimes, if the area is REALLY small, or we have a very careful group, someone will even have a "pre-meeting" with a stranger before we tell them where we are meeting.
It makes everyone feel protected a bit more, and gives us a little bit MORE privacy and security.
Some munches are held in other locations, just because that was what we found.
Bars, pizza parlors, bowling alleys all come to mind.

Yes, there are munches held in private houses, but they are almost never advertised on the open web, to protect the house resident from the prying eyes of strangers as well as to protect anyone who comes to that house to meet and greet.

There *is* however, a big difference between careful security and paranoid isolation, between the thousands of groups that have some rules and some guidelines to keep each other safe and protect everyone's privacy, and those that are using "screening" and "security" to meet new gullible strangers in dangerous out of the way places.

So a public restaurant is usually the best place to hold these little get togethers, for both parties sake.

So you have this safe public location, a good excuse to be there (FOOD!), and some free time to slip away from your real life and go check this out, have you?

She has always had my deepest respect.

ALL of us had to "come out" somewhere, sometime...
and we all remember that first time going out to meet a stranger in the scene, sitting in a restaurant wondering if we were going to HATE this, thinking that we really should have gone home.

In the smaller communities across America, having the options of sitting outside a brightly lit little place and watching 20-30 people interact before we go in and become slightly invisible is not an option, for there just aren't that many kinksters around.
Most small towns have little privacy, and VERY few options for a person if they lose a job or get seen someplace "questionable" by their church deacon, the PTA Mom with the big mouth, or their newspaper delivery boy.

We understand that.

In larger cities, you can often attend the munch "from a distance" if you are shy, sitting outside in your car and watching through the windows, having a cup of coffee at the counter as you eye that door in the back and the people walking inside it (some of whom seem to be dressed *very* differently from your next door neighbors).

Maybe you have had to skip out of work fast at quitting time and race across the valley in rush hour traffic to get here, and you are so keyed up that you can't imagine being comfortable meeting "THEM" just yet.

In a smaller town where they have asked you to come meet someone before they reveal their munch place, it might be different. Getting up some Saturday morning, getting dressed to run a huge list of errands, and going down to Denny's (or where ever) to have a cup of coffee with a stranger and say hello, size them up, and make just enough "contact" to give yourself an option is not that hard.
It's terrifying.
It's one of the most difficult moments someone outside mainstream sexual America will ever face.

We know that. Those of us in the scene that meet newbies, that mentor shy folks, that educate and write and lecture understand that better than you will ever know.
The great majority of us out here working to bring other lonely kinky desperate strangers into the fold know that feeling.
We promise to be kind.
We promise to be discreet.
We promise to take your special needs into consideration and give you all the room you need, while giving ourselves a chance to look at you, make sure that you are over 21, protect our little groups from looky loos and weekend warriors, give you a chance to take a "baby step" with just one other person around, and we all keep each other safe and relatively insulated from the pitfalls of this life.

MOST munches are hosted by someone that is outgoing, that loves to have friends around, and that understand outreach.
Most of the people you are going to run across at a munch are going to be there because they like to see their friends, and they know that new people will be attending from time to time.

There are, however, the occasional closed group that feels "cliquish" and withdrawn, the scattered event that doesn't have a welcome sign out. Please do not let that discourage you. If you happen to run across such a group, please persevere and find another. Yes, that group might be the only one you know of NOW-- but there are others out there if you keep looking. There are people on the net to point you in the right direction. There are people on the net that do not want to control you, lie to you, fake you out, run over you or put you in your place. There are people just like you that are comfortable now with their kink lives, who feel a great joy in the service of reaching out and lending a helping hand.

It is OK to be fearful, nervous, unsure, and timid.
It is OK to sit at the back of the room and wait, watching the others.
It is OK to come up with every horrible scenario out there and have those fears keep you double guessing yourself- for a while.
Then you will pick out the most carefully chosen outfit of your entire life, and get dressed, and travel across town or across the state or across the street to meet some strangers, and you will be afraid. You will be sure you will make an idiot of yourself, or you will be confidant that they will not like you. You will have reservations, no matter what your station in life, and this will be hard, but it will be worth it.

i should know. i am the author of "How to Host a Munch" and "The History of the Munch", and once spent a year staring at a munch announcement that i hung on my dresser mirror, working up the courage to attend it.

Your life is waiting-- please join us.

shadow
copyright 11-7-2005 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

2006-12-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

# 8.

Clothing Optional

Essays on a life of P.E.
August 1, 2005
by shadow

Being new or fresh into town, BDSM play conjours up lots of fantasy ideals about what people wear when they meet for kinky sex.

Most of those fantasy writings are pure b.s. made up by folks that have never set foot outside of their computer room, many of whom do not even believe that there IS a real BDSM subculture in the world.

Meeting people, and being out in the public scene is very exciting, full of fun and laughter and sharing. Keeping in mind that this is NOT an Anne Rice novel and that you are trying to find real relationships and not kink fantasy should be high on your list of priorities.

The kind of venue you attend, and the event, will often dictate how you should look. First and foremost however, is that you start out with a clean, shaved, well groomed YOU. Wash your hair and clean under your nails, make sure that your teeth are brushed and your breath is nice. The friends you will make are just like anyone else in the world- they remember your first impression.

Unless you are attending an actual private party or dungeon, your attire should be clean, normal, vanilla casual wear for most meetings. Most munches are held in public restaurants with other patrons, and few people in the scene want to draw attention to themselves or create issues for their restaurant hosts. Dressing in clean jeans, pressed shirts, and walking shoes is always a good choice. While flamboyant, outre, devil may care dress may be your personal style, and *you* may have no reason to care who knows about you or your life, the other people at a munch or class might have a different view. Dressing to fit in rather than stand out while you make new friends will help.

Classes are another place where more restrained attire is a good idea in the beginning. Some classes are held in public dungeons, some in rented classrooms, some in private homes or even in hotels. Until you know the location and what is acceptable, lean towards the more restrained items in your wardrobe, thinking more of what you would wear to dinner with friends or dressing for a casual job interview. Cut offs, torn pants, trendy shredded things might be great with the gang, but are probably not the best choice for a first visit to a new venue.

Some classes, such as those about protocols, ethics, or legal rights, tend to be populated by more people that have more clothing. Hands on classes such as rope knots, flogging, or group demos tend to be a bit more casual, especially if advertised as workshops in private locations where the class members can shed some clothes to facilitate learning (fisting class would be a great example).

So. You think that now you have mingled a bit, met a few folks, and had a meal or 2 and it's time to head down to that public dungeon.

Now what do you wear?

Well, unless you have already spoken to a lot of people and feel really confident, try the classics. Black shirt and black pants with black shoes for males, simple nice evening wear for women. You are probably not planning on a play date that first time, and so dressing comfortably but with some care and that aura that says "tonight is special" sends out great vibes and makes it easy for others to strike up a conversation. Sandals, cut offs and T shirts should be left at home- you want to dress to impress. Use lightly scented personal hygiene items sparingly- you will be indoors and possibly in a location where there is little fresh air.

No one expects new members to show up in fetish wear, low cut blouses, lacy sleeves and a fedora sporting a shoulder full of floggers and a rash attitude. No one expects a new person (or anyone else for that matter) to come dressed in *any* particular fashion or with any intent. Those that put pressure on new folks to "get naked" at a dungeon right away are NOT the norm.

Dress sexy. Dress nice. Dress respectfully as if you were visiting old friends rather than a place where you might see nudity and sex. Keep jangly jewelry and noisy accessories to a minimum. Give yourself a chance to enjoy the night without adding to your worries with clothing that does not reflect "you".

Men have it easy in the scene. Black on Black on Black with a touch of black sox and they are fairly well *done*. But for us ladies, fetish wear and is often part of our play. It makes us feel vibrant and slim, sleek and pretty, helps us step out of "ourselves" and become that woman we want to be. Fetish wear however, does not come cheap. The average corset can easily cost $200.00, and some of the better leather ones run to $500.00. Nylons get torn, shoes need to match the nights outfit (and those heels!), and we like to have different outfits for different days and moods. You do not, however, have to spend an arm and a leg to be dressed to play.
Lots of ladies are on a budget. Shopping for fun things can run the gammut from sales at Mervyns to discount Wednesday at Good Will (which is a GREAT place to shop for tear away/knife play clothing!). Sexy night gowns are marvelous to wear before play, and if you have any flair for style simple bolts of yardage can be turned into fantasy gowns. Yes, there are lots of lovely and exspensive things to buy, from Ren Fair costumes to push up bras, but you don't have to spend a fortune.

Don't forget, once you get to playtime at a party, clothing is optional!

2006-12-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

# 45. The Fear and Humiliation of Fine Diamonds.

Essays on a life of P.E.

by Strong Eagle's shadow

Within the BDSM scene, the sexual give and take of play is as much about everyone getting what they need as it is doing things that are verboten.
Most of the people in the scene have considered the situation and realize that no one stays in a relationship if they are not getting what they want (those kinds of relationships are called "abusive"). While 2 people might negotiate to do things that one of them hates-- there are underlying motivations for that person that make tolerating that scene or implement of worth and value to them in other ways rather than just liking the *sensation*.
Getting set up to play and doing all the things in our heads that have been off limits, or were "sick" or "wrong" in our minds is also part of what we do. An Example of this is that there are very few places in vanilla society where public nudity and sexual expression in public are not only allowed, but encouraged.

In order to do this with someone else requires both parties to expose some of their kinks. While the bottom might have to admit that they really WANT a spanking, the top is admitting that they love GIVING spankings, even if they say nothing. The "service top" attitude ("I hate doing this, but I will because this person asked me to") does sometimes come into play, but not for long. If the service top is not getting *something* out of doing that for others, they will stop. They will find a different way to play so that they ARE getting gratification, or they will leave the scene. Other than those folks however, everyone playing is admitting that they like- to one degree or another- what they are doing.

Admitting what we like to others is TOUGH.
It is the hardest part of negotiating with many people, as they either don't know at all what they really want to have, or they have so many emotional blocks and social phobias about speaking out loud that it often takes a while.
We sometimes have to work around their fears, or find indirect ways to get our partner to tell us what they want, no matter if they are a bottom or a new Top to the scene.

Very few people, especially new submissives of either gender, want to tell a practical stranger that they want to get reamed up the ass with the bad end of a baseball bat, that they need to crawl on the floor and beg to be forgiven while licking boots, or that they find the only way to feel sexual excitement is with extreme pain applied to some point of their body.
Very few new Tops are comfortable accepting their sadisim, telling people that they want to hurt them (give them sensations that will not be pleasant), or humiliate them. For Toppish persons the stigmas surrounding kink play are just as intimidating. Few people want to tell someone that they LIKE being a "bad person" in societies eyes.

But in order for negotiations to begin, they often do have to communicate just that. The fear and humiliation of being looked at by a play partner *in scene* the same way they know others in vanilla land would look at them (and often, the way the think of themselves at times), will keep them from exposing those peculiarities easily. They might want to dissemble, dance around the issue, or just not actually use the words that best describe what they want to do with you.

In any other place or situation, telling someone what you wanted would be easy. There really isn't any fear or humiliation surrounding the concept of telling someone you want a diamond necklace. Telling that same person- someone that you have found attractive enough in some way to want to play with- that you want them to do something with you or to you that is wrong, painful, dangerous, or embarassing is the problem.

So how do you do that?

Well first off, remember that the longer you take to get to know the scene, your potential partner, and what your community considers normal, the easier it will be for you to verbalize those lovely secret desires in your head. If at all possible, take time to get to be friends with that first play partner, dom or sub. Spend time on the phone just talking about *everything*, including pets, food, cars, movies, and a host of things. It will give you more of a starting place with that person, and if you are lucky, you will already BE in a real relationship before you have to admit the heavy stuff you are nervous about.

The scene however, revolves around casual play, light play, first time play, and play with people who are not going to want or need 'relationships" with everyone. That requires a different set of negotiation skills. Being able to watch a partner play in public- and getting an idea of what they like and are capable of- helps a lot. Public play, even hanging around the public dungeon quietly like a wall flower a few times- gives you the chance to see people, and see if what you have in *your* heart is something that some person is already doing in public. Then you can ask them- when they are not involved in a scene or after care- if they might be interested in doing that with *you*. Things in your head and your heart that you find embarrassing, deeply personal, or humiliating, are often easily transmuted into exciting possibilities once you SEE others DOING them and get to watch the public response.

Standing back in a dungeon and being unable to tear your eyes away from a scene where a woman ties up a mans genitals and then nails them to a board might make you hot- but if you were not there in person, you would not get to judge how OTHERS are reacting. Often, what you will find is that the scenes that you find the most intimate and difficult to express interest in are the ones that many people mingling in the dungeon notice, comment on, but do not "dwell" on for long.

There are very few things in a public dungeon that make everyone stop and stare. There are *very* few things in your own heart that have not been said out loud to most everyone in whatever kink community you manage to find in real time.

As a top working to help that new partner express their desires, you probably know lots of negotiation skills. Some allow their new partners to dig through their toy bags and pull out the things they are interested in trying. The new bottom doesn't have to verbalize their wants, and they can start with things that are the least fearful to them.

Some want to spend 1-2 hours watching the play with a new partner at their side, asking them to point to things they find interesting, and to quietly comment to them about what they are thinking as they watch the play.

Some like to take one toy and work from mild to whatever level their new partner feels is "enough". Some actually enjoy sitting a new person down and making him squirm while having to deliberately speak the things he most fears.

Experienced bottoms working with new Tops can offer what they WANT to have done, show off the toys they themselves own, and be willing to play unrestrained so that they can move and comment on their partners skill set.

What can help for both parties is to remember that here, on the other side of the mirror, we value different things. A man that wants to be led on a leash is valued. A Dominant that wants to make you cry is rare. A woman that wants to be whipped is desired. A man that likes to serve and be humiliated is cherished. A woman that fears losing control and the loses just that- losing all bodily control while in the throes of a scene- is more valuable than diamonds.

Consider what YOU want in your heart to be of more value to a kinky play partner than jewels, and you will find less fear or humiliation surrounding asking for fine diamonds yourself.

copyright 11-12-2006 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

2006-12-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

# 43

The Umpire in a Corset
Safewords, and their many uses

Essays on a life of P.E.

by shadow

New or old, being into BDSM ("kink") means that you might be doing things with a partner that can be more than you can handle, scary, edgy, dangerous, or just flat out wild.
There are so many things a new person learns coming in from the Anne Rice Novels and too many adult videos that are not part of the fiction.
These things are not "romantic" or "spontaneous".
Some of them seem to contradict the notion of Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive.

Nothing more exemplifies that issue than the discussions around "safe words".
Go into any chat room in America and if you utter those two words, the "twoolu dommly dommes" will scream that THEIR slaves HAVE NO SAFEWORD.

They might go on for days about how disgusting that is for someone to allow their partner control in a power exchange by allowing them to control the scene with safe words.

Some "slaves" (and bottoms, and middles, and switches) will also proudly point to themselves and say "I have no safeword" and then spend 40 min. going on about how perfect their owner is and that they have too much trust to ever NEED to do that. They are not only thrilled to be safe word free, but they are so sure that they will never ever be in a position where they would need one that they do not even want to entertain the idea.

Some argue that they would be unable to even use them- they just cannot do something so awful as safeword out on their partner. That would be displeasing and giving in too early.

Most newbies come into the scene thinking that they are NOT SUPPOSED to use safe words-- that it is a bad thing to not play through, as if this was some kind of naked gold tournament and all the holes count.
It is very easy to push ones own limits and ignore fear and pain when playing to please the other partner.
Self preservation, the magical moment when you KNOW you need to stop, can be overwhelmed by emotions ranging from endorphin rush to the need to PLEASE the partner giving you this feeling.

Some dominants argue that if they were playing with someone who NEEDED to safeword, then they are rotten tops who aren't doing their job right. The argument goes that if the Top (master, lord of the realm) is paying attention to his partner, and actually KNOWS them, then if he (or she) allows them to get to such a point that they have felt the need to safeword , that they must have missed something. They should have "known".

They should have been watching the breathing and the sweating and the toy and the twitching and the moaning and the lighting and the music and their own breathing and ...well, they are supposed to be perfect. The argument often finishes with something about how they have NEVER needed to have a parnter safeword and anyone who does is unsafe-- but not them.
The top or dom has "failed" if the bottom needs to safeword.
Rubbish.

Safe words are important, useable, and- yes, they can also be taken away or ignored. NEITHER of those is a bad thing, *if* both parties KNOW what they are getting into because they have BOTH had lots of experience and have played together. More on that later.

There are also the feelings of the Dom or Top to take into consideration. MANY of the people you will play with might call themselves sadists or mean bastards, but most of them do NOT want to play with someone that is suffering through a scene and not deriving any pleasure from it. It brings out both the obvious feeling of doing true damage and not having a consentual partner, and it takes away from what pleasure they might feel from a partner that hates/loves the feeling and is happy rather than suffering. Yes, there are those that want only the suffering- but they are going to lose partners and not get much play if they truly hold that attitude long. Without enjoyment, suffering is just consented torture- and that is something you might regret later on when the endorphins quit flowing.

"Safe words" or safeword is the term for something that a bottom player can say or do to stop or slow a scene. They can be used to notify the top of an issue without stopping the scene, and can be verbal or non-verbal.
They are for private as well as public play, and can be very elastic in their meaning and usage.
They are COMMUNICATIONS with your PARTNER.
Play is not a one way street, and you are communicating with every breath, each jump and squirm, every growl or squeak.
Safe words are just pre-set communications that are well known and easy to remember.
Nothing is set in stone in BDSM, and no one has the *one true way*, although some ways are probably more adhered to and taken more seriously than others.

Safewords are often thought of as either "RED" or "SAFEWORD" itself.
We (the larger play community) have adopted those words for a number of reasons.
First off, when playing, a bottom often has loss of thinking skills and even contact with reality. Something engrained and easy to remember like RED seems to work well. Traffic signal colors are pretty universal, everyone knows what the red and the green mean (yellow is often used as a "slow down" or "hey, got a problem, help" or even "this is close to a red" signal). Saying either RED or SAFEWORD traditionally STOPS the scene and both parties fix whatever went wrong, the top helps the bottom if they are at their limit, or some other "finishing" with that scene or playdate. RED does not HAVE to end a scene. Negotiate with your partner just how much or how long play will cease. The newer the relationship, the better it is to have RED as a "done" signal.

Secondly, Those two words are the most common and are fairly well known because other words are usually USED in scenes and not something that people will either pay attention to or understand as "stopping". A GREAT many people play loudly and scream, argue, yell, beg, plead, and call out everything from "STOP STOP" to "I'm gonna kill you motherfucker!" and more.
They LIKE to feel comfortable yelling verbal things and not having that affect their play. They do NOT want someone (their partner, a bystander, a DM, the party host) to come over and stop the scene because they yelled "NO MORE, THAT HURTS".

Keeping RED and SAFEWORD "sacred" for that express purpose means that all the rest of the words in the world are fair game. Bottoms have a much larger vocabulary to babble if they are limited to avoiding ONLY those 2 words. Many players want to always have use of words that will work in a variety of settings and in any situation. Familiarity breeds safety to them.

Using RED and SAFEWORD are also the only way anyone can play in most of the public dungeons i have ever been to (Western U.S.). The bigger dungeons and parties have trained DM's (Dungeon Monitors) that are there to watch for issues, help players if needed, keep crowds at a distance, make sure dungeon rules are followed, and be extra help in an emergency. These folks are always watching, and RED or SAFEWORD will instantly get their attention. Using anything else will, most likely, not even be noticed. Big dungeons and parties have insurance and liability issues, and they will post their rules when you enter or when you arrive- and the safe words of the house will be prominent. They WILL be RED and Safeword, the universally approved words to use.

This is a traditional situation. But there are more ways to skin a cat (or a cute slave) than meets the eye.
Often, a bottom will be gagged or bound and unable to talk. Some play so "deep" that they lose the power of speech. Most "fly", and very often quit worrying about damage or pain.
When playing with someone where their verbal skills are absent or in question, using a safe drop is advisable.
Have the bottom hold something that, when let go of, is a signal to stop/ red/ or that they have lost the ability to process. Hankies, balls, or any easily seen object that they can comfortably hold will do. Players using these in monitored play spaces (parties and public dungeons) will usually TELL the DM in advance so that they are aware of an unusual signal and watch for it if needed.

Private play ( at home or with friends in private areas) often is not as formal and folks tend to not have DM's. Safe words are often not as needed - or wanted. But getting a bottom comfortably trained to know them and be able to instantly "find" them when playing is not only safe, it is a serious service that any smart Top will give to that partner. They might not always play with the "no safewords" top. Relocation, breakups, death all intervene and a bottom without the basic skill to RED is not an asset.
MANY great Dominants and tops will NOT play with anyone that cannot safeword. It is unsafe for THEM.
A bottom that cannot say they have had enough will be more easily damaged, is not giving fair feedback, and is putting the top in a dangerous situation. Even the best partners can miss the moment you suddenly "flash back" and want to RED. Even the most skilled players don't always know when the bound bottom suddenly has a HUGE cramp that is going to tear their leg off. It is impossible for anyone to read someone's mind- and knowing that, as good as some Tops are, it is important to be able to protect them and yourself by safewording.

If you are new, and have issues with saying it (bottoms often say they do not want to dissappoint their partner and so cannot possibly safeword), tell your new partners. They can move slower, push more carefully, and find ways to help you make that safe connection with recognizing your limits and verbally sharing them. Once a dominant KNOWS that you will tell them when you have had enough, THEN they can go all out and play with one less worry. They now know they have a PARTNER in their scene rather than just a body to use.

There are people who like to use "odd" safewords. i have met people that swore up and down that "their girl uses MY personal safeword"-- and they have everything from vegetables (yes, one was zucchinni) to their partners names ("Oh Bobby YES"!). Their reasons are short sighted, and they will be ejected from public dungeons in some areas if they try to tell the management that all the DM's have to train themselves to hear "dirigible" and respond as a RED.
Can you imagine a room with 30 or 40 couples playing and the DM's need to know the personal safe word of each player- and listen for them? What a horror-- a room of babbling screaming people and the DM's are supposed to tell the safe words from the play babble.

Now that you understand the basics and the reasoning behind it, there is also the play where the safeword is deliberately ignored.
There are MANY well bonded play couples and experienced players that LIKE to play past their limits-- to be pushed, or to do the pushing.
They often have negotiated scenes where the Top will play up to the threshold of the bottoms limits-- and then deliberately keep going and FORCE a safeword out-- and then play on past even that.
It is edge play-- it is a headspace and place that is not for everyone. It is giving someone MORE sensation (pain) than they can handle, and breaking their inner mental limit. It is also very hot, very erotic, and something that many M/s couples do. It requires a great deal of trust, experience, and knowledge and is not for everyone.

When a scene like that is happening in public, the Top will make sure the DM's or the party host knows that they are going to do that kind of thing so no one interrupts their scene early.

copyright 10-31-2006 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

2006-12-15T15:06:00.000-08:00

# 40. The World in your hands: The Zen and flow of creating your own toys.

Essays on a life of P.E.

For centuries, the idea of making something by hand has included the basic premise that it is imbued with something of the creator. Giving homemade jams and jellies to family and friends conveyed both the talents of the chef as well as the implied thoughtfulness of sharing something that took time and effort.

Learning an art, and then using one's own resources to create that art meant an educational journey at the least, an investment of the intellect in learning how to cook or sew or create the item in question. It has also included, to a lesser extent, the idea that some part of the person who made the item was actually in the item, whether it was the seats in your car being turned out on an assembly line to the hand made shawl that granny crocheted with scraps over the long winter.

Humans have always revered the handcrafts of previous generations, be it the early primitive housewares of the Puritans in New England or the ancient carved doorways of the Egyptians. Handcrafts, and arts, were not just a historical fact like writing on a page, but a 3 dimensional reality that carried the very essence of the maker. Egyptian pyramids carry the maker marks on the stones of each mason that carved them out of the larger rubble- testament to their pride in workmanship, as well as permanent proof that "I was there".

Mankind's need to leave something behind that shows of their existence has been one of the driving forces of our species, but the rift between those who have monuments created FOR them and those who actually created is what separates the historical from the spiritual. You may walk through Cheops temple and feel the power of the great King and the awe at the resources he employed, but as you walk along and feel the monuments of stone and glass and mud beneath your hands, you are the recipient of the transmitted spirituality of the individuals that used their blood, sweat, and tears to transform their ruler's ideas into concrete realities, as well as leaving their own unique mark.
First Americans have traditionally linked the creation of a thing with the spirit of the creator, forever bonding not just the cloth with it's maker, but the slain Buffalo with it's slayer, the mountain stream with those who draw from it, and even the very air they breath with the life force of those that take it in to them. Historians have had a fairly easy time of dating, placing, and even attributing items to the specific makers throughout the New World due to this social bonding of art with the soul.

Each tribe had its own patterns and colors handed down generation after generation, encouraging new members to not only put some of themselves into their work, but to place their mark upon it as reference to who in the tribe created each pot, blanket, beadwork, headdress, and work bowl. They asked the Gods for kindness and assistance as they made their crafts, and spent added time and energy in spiritual cleansing and guidance if the item was to be used to honor the gods or call upon the dead. It was not enough that a man should make a cape of eagle feathers for a potlatch. He must make himself clean through spiritual prayers before heading out to kill the bird or collect it's feathers, and then spend time and emotional energy thanking the animal and it's maker for his finds. The area or building where the garment was to be created was cleansed ritually, adding spiritual energy and the collective call of the tribe to make the space worthy of the cloak to be created there. Great patience was used as the necessary supplies were gathered, ritually cleaned and laid out, and put together using ancient customs and chants that were also guaranteed to imbue the garment with the spirits of the dead, as well as the living.

The Quakers in mid 18th century America also felt that their crafts should be a reflection of the maker- but in their world, authentication and ornamentation were signs of pride and to be avoided. A great spiritual moment was one where the creator of the chair or quilt had finished the project with as much perfection and attention to detail as possible, but in a manner that was consistent with every other example of that craft and showed no individual embellishment or identity. To them, the spiritual need to pay attention to the work, to want to create for the glory of God rather than the individual and his or her talent was the priority.

In addition, due to their religious desire to keep their needs as simple as possible and give as much time as possible to God rather than the accumulation and care of earthly possessions, they had a minimum amount of goods in their homes, making each item that much more needed as well as a focal point of it's intention. It is hard to not appreciate and respect the time and energy given to making one deep soft quilt in the dead of winter if that one quilt is the only one you have for your bed. Remembering the time it took to collect the pieces for it, recollecting the communion and social sharing that took place around it as it was made, and cherishing the creature comforts that it gave you were all important spiritual links that often unwittingly seeped into the item over the years of service it first gave.

The path of creation imbued with faith, spirit, or self has never actually disappeared since the dawn of mankind. Today, one of the newest forms is "The Shawl Ministry", a church based group that knit shawls and pray, intending that the shawls will have the power of the prayers of those who made them.

Information at:http://www.beliefnet.com/story/147/story_14723_1.html gives insight to this ongoing phenomena. "We are knitting prayers into shawls to bless those who will receive them," said Julie Tampa, one of 40 women who show up, knitting needles in hand, to spend two hours each weekend knitting and praying at St. Peter's Episcopal Church in the Great Valley in Paoli, Penn.

"It is a time to become aware of God's presence and God's grace. There is another element to it," said Vicki Galo, co-founder of the ministry, which has needles clicking from Maine to California and in a handful of groups overseas.

"Somehow, it benefits the knitter or the crocheter, too." The women involved are discovering that in the process of helping others, they are helping themselves—spiritually. Knitters say the click of the needles, the tension of the yarn and the sight of the colors winds them into a meditation-like state. For Galo and many others, the combination of craft with contemplation was an awakening.

"You mean I can pray when I am doing this?" Galo said knitters asked. "It was a very new concept for women. And yet it is an old concept known by Tibetan monks and Native Americans."

Melanie Fahey, a shawl knitter at St. Michael's Episcopal Church in Houston, put it this way: "When I am working on a shawl, I am far more at peace in my own life. Everything gets done without leaving me feeling frazzled."
Whether it is a bookcase for the ages carved out of oak that will be loved by generations long after the maker has died, or a simple yarn shawl, the idea of creating usable items that have the creators Ka, Chi, soul, or essence imbedded into them is a universal human theme.

Knowing this is one answer to the question "Why bother"? Why do we bother to take the time and effort to learn something and then try to make it when it is obviously easier and often
often financially wiser to just buy the item from a store? Why turn yet one more wooden bowl on a lathe, weave another mat, make another stained-glass lamp? Because something we have invested our own time and thought into has more personal meaning to us, more sentimental value, and often, is not only just as "good" as the machine made/assembly line/ anonymously created item, as well as being made to our own unique needs, desires, and specifications, but better due to the unique materials, style, and embellishments.

The unseen link between creator and creation is as old as time itself, and although the worst example is best exemplified by Mary Shelly, the history of humanity is filled with connections between the artist and the art. While there are few that can put their own soul into the painting of a wall with the eloquence of an Eldon Burnaky, no one disputes the passion resonating from "The Last Supper" or "The Mona Lisa" are also present in every gift of art and moment of paint on canvass.

The fire and connection between the artist and the art is so profoundly accepted throughout mankind's history as to be a moot point, yet the average crafter often forgets this important connection. An item does not have to have even an intrinsic value to carry the entire emotional impact of the creator, as witnessed by thousands of mothers every May as their preschoolers present them with bits of painted shell and clay, construction paper reeking of undried Elmer's glue and macaroni bits, and even rocks they have lovingly cradled in their arms on the long walk home from the park. We share our essence not only through our DNA or our words, but our touch, our time, and our attention to the thing at hand, be it humble or inspired.

Leatherwork, macramé, decoupage, candlemaking, papermaking, basketry, spinning and dyeing, weaving, batik and tie-dyeing, stained glass, string art, origami, pottery, quilting, modeling, casting sculptures, drawing, painting, printmaking, printing on fabric, stenciling, collage, wood sculpture, metalworking, drying and preserving flowers, mosaics, lapidary, jewelry, woodworking, picture framing, preserving fruit, bread baking, winemaking, restoring furniture and bookbinding, the list is an endless example of ways to give of yourself and create something that is more than the sum of it's parts.

At http://www.greattradingpath.com/links/spirituality.html it is noted that: "Adam and Eve were world makers, culture makers and therefore the first craftspeople. They were commissioned to shape as well as use and appreciate the created order. They were the first landscape gardeners, the first builders and the very first collectors. They were the first persons to note that things are good in themselves and worth having for the simple enjoyment they provide. The creation account notes that “the gold of that land [the land of Havilah, watered by the Eden River system] is good; aromatic resin and onyx are also there” (Genesis 2:12).

Was Eve (or her descendant) the first jeweler, the first collector of beautiful ornaments, the first inventor of perfume, the first metalworker? It is difficult to imagine that everything in the garden was provided just for humankind to make a living", and we have to remember that the entire human race from the first humans forward have not just inhabited the earth, but left behind their spirituality in the things they created, grew, tended, and even in the lives they cared for.
Within the sensual erotic arts, this concept of intimacy through artifacts is well understood. People seek out the finest artisans of leather for cuffs and collars that will stroke the skin of a loved one, adding not just a layer of cow hide, but the karma of the craftsman that lovingly designed and stitched the product, the harmony or ill will of the leather dyer, even the chakra energy of the woman who sold them to the ultimate buyer. There are hundreds of players that seek out certain craftsmen not just for the quality or type of product they offer, but due to the love, attention to detail, and bits of their own soul that the buyers know is part and parcel of the whip, forged in the bit, and hammered into the collar. The idea that any piece of equipment is sterile and carries nothing but a price tag is rarely seen, while the unstated assumption that kink goods have karma is widely recognized and appreciated.
Does everyone need to do this? Probably not. But there is no need to spend time on the thoughts of those who don't get this.
So, with that knowledge, how do *you* tap into this spirituality? You have 10 thumbs, no time, and are color blind? There is a way. You hate making things? There is a way. You have no money and little time? There *is* a way.
I have spent hours watching Viper create whips and leather goods, and even as he jokes and laughs and interacts with his family and slave, the raw materials that arrive in his home take on so much of his respectful restrained personality that they almost buzz when you hold them. Sweat from the pulling of the braids, the sweep of his hands tanning the colors, his quiet presence sings in the singletails he creates. He is creating the spiritual whip, the beginning of the chain.
Then you buy it. Or it goes through 20 people on the WAY to your hands. What next? You need to break it in, throwing and cracking, shaping your hands around it, working in the conditioner, leaving your own sweat and saliva and heat. That toy will resonate with YOUR spirit long before you use it on a bottom. You need to keep it near you, feel the power, think of the uses and the intentions of that woven leather implement.

Every toy gives this possibility for a bit of you to soak in. Wooden paddles need to be waxed, maybe your own name or signature mark carved or burnt in. Some women fill the battery pack area of a dildo with herbs before it's first use, or wash it with soaps they have made. There are aftercare blankets woven by people for their lovers over many months, and there are aftercare blankets sewed over the weekend.

While some leather work takes YEARS and mentoring to learn well, other things can be picked up in a 4 hour workshop, from making a simple belt to a magically infused collar that carries all your energy, and can be adorned over time with the chains and symbols you and your leather family find of importance. Having your property wear something you created as a symbol of being YOURS has far deeper meaning than some generic item off the shelf. While I don't condone scarring or branding without some SERIOUS training by a professional such as Fakir (failure to know what you are doing can result in killing all the skin within a brand, or creating a mess rather than a mark), you CAN research and create the design (with modifications as your brander advises), draw and color your own tattoo pattern, or even design and forge your own body jewelry to have pierced into that special someone.
You, the owner of the item, can always find a way to add personal love to it, to give it more than how it came to you. One friend takes hours filing off the burrs on fishing hooks before he uses them in skin ceremonies. They might start OUT as huge fish hooks for Salmon and Tuna, but when He is done, they are shining bits of metal that will change a life. The skin they pierce KNOWS this as it enters, and remembers it when it is gone. Keeping our toys clean and safe is respect for our things. Giving part of ourselves to our toys is respect for ourselves and our partners. The spirituality of our toys is the spirituality of ourselves.

CopyrightStrong Eagle's shadow, May 15, 2006http://tinyurl.com/dnqhpAll rights reserved. Please write i999shadow@aol.com for permission to repost. All reposts must be complete with copyright and contact info.

#2. Better

2006-12-14T13:22:00.000-08:00

#2. "Better"....

Essays on a life of P.E.
July 27th, 2003
by shadow

In a message dated 7/23/03 6:26:34 AM, Patrick writing for Jack Rinella's column (leathereditor@leatherviews.com) writes:
>I was frustrated about the mummification scene ending. Not because he stopped playing, but because I couldn't handle it. I thought about my reaction and how that came about and vowed to do better next time.<,<<

When Patrick (Jack's slave) write this, it touched a chord in me. It was coming from the point of an owned member of a leather family, a man that has lived this life and knows the basics. He had been with his master for over 2 years, and it struck me that even *he* with *his* well educated owner, still feels this way and thinks this way from time to time.

He is not a newbie, nor is he writing about what others think or feel. He is educating from his own viewpoint. But he has struck a very important and, IMHO, vital concept that should always been discussed with new folks in the scene - and reviewed from time to time with older members. We all are capable of forgetting this concept in our quest to please those we serve.

We in the life, as bottom folks- the subs, slaves, bottoms, sensation receivers- often tend to think that, when it comes to pain, physical contact, or impact play , that we can "improve" with time-- that we can learn to take "longer", or be "better" or somehow please MORE. Especially when it comes to receiving hurtful sensation. Things we LIKE to feel we *try* to get more of, but things we dislike (hate even), we often still tend to try and expand the amount that we handle.

This brings up two different lines of thinking.
One line- that we can always improve, educate ourselves, and become better as people, as lovers, as friends, as slaves and service givers and mentors and members of our community and this planet, that is a noble and worthy ideal. It is what humankind is founded on, the notion of always learning and changing. It is a noble imperative that any human always try to be more of their ideal and restructure the things they dislike in themselves. "When ya quit learnin', ya die" as Strong Eagle always reminds me, and i have always lived. Growth and change are inevitable, so doing them in a structured manner with clearly defined goals and outcomes is logical, saves time, and really can't hurt.
Learning how to serve better, how to accommodate, be more graceful or to work more seamlessly with others is a worthy goal. There are many ways outside of a scene to stretch ourselves in and grow.

While we can educate ourselves, and work on our inner being to grow and improve in all areas, BDSM sensation and WIITWD, impact play is a slightly different kettle of fish .
It is not that we SHOULD "take more" when it comes to pain play and sensation.
Some can, over time. Some cannot. New people especially have a large learning curve, and can absorb more and more sensation as time goes by and they become acclimated. Many of us find that we change our perceptions of how we “feel” when we play with pain, and unconsciously create coping mechanisms that help us accept more over time.
This does not happen to everyone, and no one needs to feel “less” if their abilities are not of the same duration or quantity as others.

Before we even get to that end of the discussion however, maybe we should look at what we are really talking about.

What is *more*?
More than...today? Yesterday? My standards? Your own needs? What you felt was total but someone else said was not as far as THEY do it?

What you can endure, or enjoy, or appreciate, or love, or hate but stand still for is not something that needs to change...
More is subjective, and not something that needs to be defined so much as dismissed in a discussion amongst adults.

If you WANT to try and go other places, yes, then by all means-- if you find that you YOURSELF want to push yourself for yourself, then this is a good thing and can be dealt with. If the person you have given power over to says that you WILL be doing something that you did not think you could, or going to places you have not, that is also fine. That is your personal dynamic, and you have negotiated that willingly and with knowledge by both parties.

Thinking that you HAVE to take whatever your top gives, and that you have somehow failed when you don't, while a universal thing with us bottom folks, is not accurate. It is putting undue pressure on yourself, and creating a measurement standard that is not only unnecessary- but actually counterproductive to being in this life.
Wanting to see how much you can GIVE to someone is different that just gritting your teeth and bearing it.
Unless that has been a negotiated part of your play with your partner, and they have TOLD you they want you to do this, then "endurance" is not the goal.
A dominant person in play is not an abuser-- they play due to CONSENT. That person on top wants to know that you WANT this thing- that you will take it for them, that you like it, that you feel happy when they do it to you (even if the thing itself is not something you love or like).
If they do not know that you are ENDURING their loving administrations, then you are in effect lying to them. If you tell them that you are enduring this- and they know up front when you play what you are enjoying and what you are enduring- then they can judge what they give you and why-- and they do not find out that they have been abusing you after the fact.
Now, once you tell your partner that you are enduring something, then it is up to THEM to do one of several things:
1) Not do it any more.
2) Do it in such a way that they and you feel you can bear all of it
3) Do as much of it as they want to until you cave in and red on them
4) Do it just a little for their own enjoyment, knowing full well how you feel about it.

Each of these is a fair and just decision so long as BOTH partners agree to it. Each has it's own drawbacks and it's own joys and reasons.

But having some kind of play that makes you need to red every time you play, and "vowing to do better next time" to yourself is, with few exceptions, counterproductive to the PE act and not going to work.
One cannot convince themselves out of a panic attack. One cannot flog themselves past a pain point. And putting yourself in emotional or physical danger out of some misdirected sense of "being better/doing better/going farther" is not required by anyone of good standing in our communities, be they straight or gay, lez or trans, het or poly.

Those in charge of a scene really do not feel in charge if the receiving end is thinking/ making decisions during a scene. It takes away from their power. It shows that they have NOT got your mind. You are STILL IN CHARGE WHEN YOU DO THIS. This is not good unless you have, as say, a bottom sensation only player in a pick up scene, negotiated this kind of thing.

i know several T/D/M's that have explained their views on this, on their submissives "enduring" for them.
All of them hate it. It makes them feel like abusers. It takes away from their power. It undermines their beliefs in being in control and knowing what is happening in the body they are playing with. It is not fair.
When they lean in and *tell*you to endure for them, it feeds their power. When they find out after a scene that the part that made them feel so damned wonderful was *endured* and put up with and you hated it and did not want to have it happen at all... then their feelings of abuse and use and lack of control are fed instead.

Most of them expect it to happen when asked.
But none of them want to see that as a pattern with all play.

They do not want *any* of us to "endure" the love they share with us.

Doing "better"... that is probably a myth. We all do what we do, and being HONEST with our play partner is much more important than any *level* we achieve or any * amount* of pain/sensation/input we can take.

Try not to do "better". Be honest, be truthful, and be real. THAT is what they want from us.

In bondage,
shadow
copyright 7-27-03 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

2003-07-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

#1. Pack Mules, Boy Scouts, and Bottoms
What to Carry in that Bag- and how to Carry it off in Style.

Essays on a life of P.E.
July 30th, 2003
by shadow

On line chats with real players bring about the most wonderful revelations, insights, and learning opportunities in scene, even about the most simple or obvious things.
Unless you only play at home, you probably have a toy bag to transport your goodies. A vast majority of the Tops have a toy bag for their array of playthings, from needle kits to whips and floggers, bondage gear to wax.
Bottoms often have their own toy bags as well, especially those that are not partnered. Having the flogger or crop that one loves to feel is a good thing to offer a new partner, as well as a bottom keeping their own set of personal insertable toys to play safe and feel safe.
Beyond that, however, are many other items bottoms and subs, property and slaves, partnered and single people carry. Not a toy bag- but the personal bag of items to make a play date or a weekend wonderful, anyone who is on the giving end of a Power Exchange might want to carry a few of the things mentioned below.
Often, there are *two* bags- the permanent collection of items to be used WHILE playing, and the revolving collection for after play. Deciding how to divvy up the bags is up to you.
First, a blanket or after care cover is always helpful. They can be used to cover the equipment (benches or tables) during play, and wrap you warm and safe for after care time.
Some folks carry a *second cover* made of plastic (shower curtain, drop cloth) to cover areas during wax and blood play, as well as to use between them and anything they plan to touch or play on. Towels- at least one big one- might be a good idea as well if you tend to play messy.
Many bottoms have all their personal sex toys, vibrators, and extra safe sex supplies like dental dams, condoms, larger female condoms (which fit surprisingly well over the magical Mr. Hitachi), packets and tubes of lube (tubes for outside, packets for insertions that need to be sterile).
Wet wipes. Sometimes a person just needs a little extra clean up and a bathroom is not always available.
Gags are another very personal thing and most bottoms have at least one that is both comfortable for them to wear for a long time and adjustable. Gags collect spit so having your own is highly desirable.
Duplicates of all medications you normally take. Not only are you never without the medicine you need, but you can show a partner the actual items if they want to know about your medical history or what over the counter items you are currently using. Inhalers are quite common in scene, as is anti-inflammatories and antihistamines, for making sure you keep nasal passages clear while playing.
Tooth supplies, breath freshener, mints, breath strips- all important for feeling fresh and clean.
Make-up set and brush. After playing, many tops might LOVE to see you "well used", but eventually you are going to want to look less like like a wench and pass for normal. Keep make-up remover in there too for cleaning up the "play face" before you re-apply a new one.
Extra glasses or contacts and all their cleaning supplies.
Hair clips to get long hair out of the way.
Small bags for nylons and jewelry... nothing like having good nylons get ruined in the piles of stuff, or losing an earing at the bottom of your play bag.
A can or 2 of your fave drink, and a bag of munchies for after play is essential. Not all the food available might be to your taste, and if you play late, the food and drinks might be *gone*.
A first aid kit for yourself. Many people are mildly allergic to latex and other items, so having things you know work for you is good. Accidents happen. Carry supplies.
Flashlight. Great for hunting through the bag at a dungeon, they also give more security when walking back to your car late at night. They are both a beacon and a weapon of defense.
A copy of your limits list. Not only might *you* forget something important while negotiating with someone, but even the best Dominant Master has a night when He would like to reference a list and remind himself of something. Owned or single, partnered or poly, having a set of your limits, your needs, and your *physical limitations*(which should also be in your limits list- permanent injuries and weak places in your body need to be mentioned) is important. No Top will ever ridicule a partner for being cautious or always prepared.
Money. Make sure you have some hidden in your play bag. You never know when you might need a little extra cash, and more than once a purse has been lost or left behind and having toll fare is a good thing.
Duplicate house and car keys.
After play change of clothes and shoes. While it may be wonderful to walk into that party in a bustier and 6"FM's, trying to put them back on after 4 hours of play is a bummer. Soft clothes, warm things, and flat shoes should always be included. You never know when everyone will want to go to Dennys and eat at 4 am. One lady in scene brings pajamas and slippers to change right into as she often goes directly home from the dungeon. That way she can walk right in and go to bed.
DM kit if you work regularly at parties. If you have safety scissors in that kit, so much the better.
Your case itself should also be user friendly. Buy one not only for ease of transport (the current trend in BDSM is the rolling stock trunks with retractable handles), but that you can FIND. While it may be "chic" to have all black and sexy looking luggage, a pile of bags is a pile of bags. Pick something that will stand out without being garish. Brocades are lovely for women, and men can find a variety of textures and colors that are stylish but easy to pick out in the dark.
Lastly, have a little extra space somewhere. Sometimes your partner might want YOU to carry a few things of THEIRS as well.
Good luck, play safe, and have fun.

In bondage,
shadow
copyright 7-30-03 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com
This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it's entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. (i like to know where my stuff is being reprinted). Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.

2003-07-03T15:26:00.000-07:00

#4. Essys on a life of P.E.

History of the Munch...IN THE BEGINNNING

by shadow
(With thanks to Argent (Hal), Miss Vicki (keeper of the flame), nadja (the first list Master and font of history), Schwab (great memories) and the Wonderful STella, who started it all.

(Author's note: In just the 4 years since i first researched and wrote this history, the amount of revisionisim and historical inaccuracy made it imperative to footnote and provide original postings on ASB as verification. As long as ASB archives are available, this information is accessable to all, abeit in a lengthy process, direct interviews, and e-mails).

Munches are traditionally considered a way to get like minded people together in a public venue for light socializing, usually on week nights , and require nothing more than showing up.
Week nights have become the chosen times for such events so that they do not interfere with Dungeon “Play parties”, usually held on Friday and Saturday nights.
Munches have also evolved into the main venue for welcoming newbies into the scene in a non-threatening environment that is easily accessible and requires no knowledge of any protocols, scene history or any “letters of introduction”.
Munches are the one place unsure new people can wander in and find “family”.
The ideology of having a “munch” has spread like wildfire across the planet as WIITWD becomes more available to larger numbers of people (thanks to computers and the Internet), and the event has mutated far beyond it’s conception principals.
With that in mind, it became apparent that some kind of “primer” or “general ground rules” should be set out for new munch hosts and hostesses to use as a tool in their toy bag of social skills.
Nothing in life is set in stone, this primer included. Take from it what you will, change what you need to suit you, your venue, & your community.

HISTORY
In these times people are accustomed to having instant access to adult information via the web. With the flick of a search engine, you can find munches all over the place, mailing lists and web sites filled with BDSM activities, events, even National conferences. Kink activities abound in every city across America, even as Civil Liberties laws are ignored or mutated by conservatives, and no matter what, like minded adults will congregate for entertainment and social interaction, and keep trying to create venues where we can do this easily, without fear of retribution, job loss, or social distress.
Adult organizations that have information about WIITWD are easy to contact, and the question of anonymity is given deep consideration. This was not always the case.

Sometime in the early 80’s, when the “Internet” between Universities and Military establishments became more accessible due to a proliferation of computer terminals, the first message boards were set up about sex.
Sex questions- sex answers. People wanting to know that they were not alone started using the anonymity of the keyboard to tell the other voices in the dark about what they did- or wanted to do- and exchanged information. Alt.Sexuality.org ( also known as alt.sex.bondage and referred to as ASB) was the largest and most used. Even today, it’s archives of postings are some of the most comprehensive and widely used informational records on the net. Eventually, spamming caused them to move to soc.subculture.bondage-bsdm.
Most users from that time forward had access via their Universities, and the University with the best access, the largest pool of users, and the congregational point for kinky people, was Stanford. The personal computer, microprocessor, and a host of other innovations were being born in the Palo Alto area, and it drew lots of young, hip, adventurous people from all across America.
Now, any given munch has the policies and objectives its organizers set for it. This may, and often does, include being a low-key, comfortable place for newbies to meet some BDSM people, and the munch announcements often say so. But it did not start with that objective, and it does not always have to be that way.

The very first munch, according to several who were there, was a gathering of 13 folks at the “Flames” coffee shop at El Camino Real and Lawrence Expressway in Santa Clara, California. There was no play at this first meeting, it was merely a matter of sharing a meal and meeting each other face to face, discussing what could be done to further filling the void these people felt in the sexuality and their lives.
The original idea for a mailing list started there as well. Originally it was called BABES - Bay Area Bondage Enthusiasts Society, and later BAST, Bay Area Sexually Twisted. The first operator, nadja, set up the list and worked with the continuously growing Kink community. This was the first place that many had ever had to actually talk in real time about their sexuality, desires, fantasies, and the darker aspects of BDSM. It also encouraged some conversations that were sexually explicit about illegal activities. Nadja eventually had to expel a member of the online community for the kinds of topics that could jeopardize the entire group. That incident created a permanent rift in the on line community that was growing.
Members grew, and people wanted to meet face to face. Many people were referred by friends to the list, and the list membership was the core of the southern Bay Area Kink community. These lists were discontinued when the Communications Decency Act came into effect, and the BurgerMunch list was split into 2 separate types of on line communications. An announcements only list is now run by Vicki, and the discussion list was handed to Marcie and Laura Lee who renamed it as Frenzi.

After that first meeting in Santa Clara, a new venue was found and announced. The Munch concept would be the "BurgerMunch". STella announced it to the regular posters on alt.sex.bondage.org. and posted to the new discussion list that she would be at the outdoor patio seating area of Kirk's Steakburger joint on California Street, Palo Alto, California, at the same day and time every week, and she hoped others would join her. This has been dated, according to legend, as April, 1992, althought some question the exact month. Vicki is fairly certain that the date of the first BurgerMunch was 23 April 92. Reserch has shown it was prior to Jun 1 1992, as others were beginning their own versions by then based on what they had heard was happening in Palo Alto.
*(Footnote1,6).

At first attendance was spotty, sometimes it was just STella, but as more people became aware of the BDSM community on line, more people came to see faces attached to the names they had become familiar with reading on alt/sexuality.org. The community of WIITWD was being born.
Postings show a lively regular event by June 1993.
*(Footnote 5).

By Sept. 14, 1993, munches (sometimes erroneously using sTella's term Burgermunch) were running in Portland and Vancouver, and was one was announced ( Seattle SouvlakiMunch) for Seattle *(Footnote 3).

People joined the lists on line and learned about the BurgerMunches which were announced weekly; many of the
members on the lists were not Newsnet users and had not been involved with the alt.sex.* hierarchy news groups.
Over time, more people came, the “munch” was talked about, and the event grew. After a while, the whole outdoor patio area , directly adjacent to the sidewalk in front, and fairly open to the public in places, had been taken over by BDSM people one evening a week on Thursdays. With half a decorative cinderblock wall, and a lattice work overhang, it was not a secure place to meet or talk about WIITWD.
Stella once defined a bugermunch as:
" a BurgerMunch is when somewhere between three and fifty perverts, some of whom bring vegetarian food from a nearby restaurant, meet at my favorite burger joint (Kirk's Steakburgers, 361 California Avenue,
Palo Alto, 6 pm) to talk about everything including bdsm, to plan future scenes and parties, and, now and then, to share a little pain right out there in front of ghod and everybody. Do check us out if you're ever in the area. Any non-holiday Thursday of the summer (this winter, for the rainy season, we may move elsewhere, if I can find a good place). "
*(Footnote 7)

The BurgerMunch was a success. It became pretty "out." People would show each other marks and bruises, or tattoos, cuttings, brandings, and they would show each other toys. After a while, there were floggings going on in dark corners of the patio. The police were called, complaints including used condoms in the shrubs.
*(Footnote 2).

For a while, someone brought a portable massage table and would give massages.
By July, asb. posts openly noted that scaring the vanilla people ("mundanes") was part of the fun of the burgermunch.
*(Footnote 8).

Those activities, the noise levels up and down the street , and a determined feeling of some of the regulars to deliberately bother the vanilla crowd eventually doomed the burger munch. Kirk’s was no longer happy with the loud crowd (many of whom quit ordering food there from their limited and admittedly less than stellar burger and hot dog menu, and either brought their own (sushi was popula with the vegetarians) or didn’t eat at all), and lost all of their regular clientele on Munch night due to the overt sexual activities of the BurgerMunch group. Some felt even the staff was intimidated by the groups activities.
When the entire alternative lifestyle group was eventually kicked out of Kirks in October 8, 1993, *(footnote 1, 9),

many of them went with STella and started meeting at the park down the street, *(footnote 11)
while the rest decided to meet indoors, evolving into the idea of a "regular meeting place for everyone- old and new- to meet". Vicki became the eventual sole owner of this event.
The attentions of the police cars now loitering around the area, especially the park where sTella had moved to, along with some growing philosophical differences, as well as the colder nights, all fueled this change in locale and focus. Burgermunches were still being held outdoors there well into December 1993 * (Footnote 12).

The second group that had split off from the idea of public play began munches at Antonio’s NutHouse about 1/2 block away from Kirk's. Reminders of regular meets were out by Jan 1994 *(Footnote 13).

STella asked the second group not call their meeting a BurgerMunch because that was her name for an event where public play was encouraged. STella did not trademark the word. It was used as late as May 28th, 1994
*(Footnote 4,14,15).

Her group eventually was forced out of the park by a combination of cold weather, changes in city policy about park closing times, and STella’s personal wishes. That group of players has moved into a more private venue, and disappeared from the public history of BDSM, although they were still playing and interacting with the Nut House munch bunch from time to time as late as July 17, 1994 *(Footnote 16).

The group that split off from STella’s (Antonio's Nut House bunch, eventually known as the Thursday munch or Vicki's munch) evolved with 2 philosophical requirements, and grew in size over the winter as many joined them in the heated environs of the Nut House.

1. This gathering was not a play party. The open to the public venues were *not* appropriate for BDSM activities.
2. They wanted a non-threatening place for new folk to discover BDSM. The second group felt that the location should be as open (visible) as practical so new folk could observe without "outing" themselves. *(Footnote 17).

Since play was being discouraged at the second group, and STella had asked that the name “Burgermunch ” be hers exclusively and denoted a play based gathering, the second group, meeting at Antonio’s Nut House began to use just ”munch" to denote what they were.
STella was not focusing the BurgerMunch on “newbies”. She wanted to socialize with BDSM people, and to create a situation where they could get to know people in a non-intimate environment. She succeeded far beyond her wildest dreams and will forever be linked with the term “BurgerMunch” as well as founder of the world wide phenomena known as munches within BDSM.

*(Footnote 18).
*******

FOOTNOTE 1
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/d698377a3e719e21/1cea9a492385d3ff?

q=burgermunch+stella&rnum=26#1cea9a492385d3ff

We Went to Kirk's and All We Got Was this Lousy Hamburger
From: STella Date: Fri, Oct 8 1993 1:28 am
Well, tonight, BurgerMunch attendees were told by the cops that we were no longer welcome at Kirk's, that any of us who congregated there would be arrested. The senior manager was there, complaining about vegetarians with their (imported from nearby) sushi, talking with carnivores and their burgers.
Do NOT eat at Kirk's, do not MEET at Kirk's, and watch the newsgroup, since someone will likely announce a followon event, at another location. Especially, stay away on Thursdays, if you look like you might be one of Those People.

When I started the Munches, a year and a half ago, I thought it would be worth doing, but never expected that it would work out as well, or last as long, as it has done.

There will be other opportunities for us to get together, other places. Someone ELSE will announce them, because last week, when the sympathetic night manager told us the owner wanted her to kick us out, I suggested that we move elsewhere, and come back in a few months. I was told by many that "we don't want to, this is a great place", and by others that "you're just copping attitude".
Not my cops, but I'll own some attitude....

Please, as a matter of fairness, and a favor to me, since the only contact either the owner or the police have for the group is MY name and addresses (yes, my home one too), do NOT give shit to the STAFF at Kirk's. They have been unfailingly polite, respectful and helpful to me personally and to the other attendees at the Munch. Do, however, refrain from going to Kirk's on Thursdays expecting to find BurgerMunchers there. You will not find us, and you MAY be arrested for trespassing. I will be in the small park at the end of California Ave, opposite the CalTran station, next Thursday, unless the new Munch coordinator (if in fact someone wants to do that) announces a different site.
If someone chooses to organize a weekly get-together, I suggest that putting its location on the poster kiosk in front of Kirk's would be a good idea. I know that a lot of people offline know about the Munch, please try to spread the word. And remember what the I Ching says: What has happened once will happen again.

BurgerMunch was my baby, and now it's leaving home. I'm VERY pleased at the way it grew, and gave other folks the assurance that they could meet people and find friends, and I'll be delighted as other areas start up their munches, and as the Bay Area finds its next opportunity.

STella%thelema.u...@decwrl.dec.com STe...@netcom.com
1016 E. El Camino Real, #302, Sunnyvale, CA 94087
Where I am is Here, Where I live is Now. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.
*********
FOOTNOTE 2
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/3c55456f30a18bdf/49900fdd590e8a42?

lnk=st&q=&rnum=80#49900fdd590e8a42

Rumors of My Arrest...
All 3 messages in topic - view as tree
From: STella - view profile
Date: Fri, Aug 20 1993 5:27 pm
Email: STe...@thelema.uucp
Groups: alt.sex.bondage
Not yet ratedRating: show options

FYI: I have not been arrested, kidnapped by space aliens, nor raped by a giant swan.

BurgerMunch has not been cancelled or moved, and will not be so unless I have posted annnouncements of that to alt.sex.bondage, to the local list in the Bcc line, and to various irc-folk as I see them on channel, which will happen, if at all, the day before a Munch at latest.

The simple, and relatively uninteresting, truth is that, at about 10:30 last night, an hour and a half after Kirk's closed, a cop did ask us to break it up, and we did. No problem, they have my name and number, and I'll be touching base with Kirk's, since the cops did say they'd had complaints (about rubbers in the shrubbery, for ghodsake) from Kirk's, and I figure Monday I should speak with them, find out what THEY actually think is a problem, and settle things with them. Or we can take our several hundred dollars a week elsewhere, to one of the backup sites I have in mind.

For the moment, however, I am not in jail, Kirk's is still the site of BurgerMunches, and I presently expect this to continue to be the case.

Too bad, though, that I haven't been kidnapped by space aliens -- would be a lot more entertaining than the current dreary set of eviction/separation/cartrouble hassles.
Here, swanny, here swanny-swan....

STella%thelema.u...@dec.com STe...@netcom.com
1016 E. El Camino Real, #302, Sunnyvale, CA 94087
*********

FOOTNOTE 3

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bestiality

/browse_thread/thread/bab3e6c5f7b8c367/ec41876d8d5e3ad8?

q=&rnum=38#ec41876d8d5e3ad8

Seattlemunch!From: Elf Sternberg - view profile Date: Tues, Sep 14 1993 7:28 pm Email: e...@halcyon.com (Elf Sternberg) Groups: alt.sex.bestiality
>There is one in Portland and one in Vancouver, geesh i wish the seattle scene would get with it.
Okay, then, let's organize one. If I get enough email by Friday to justify creating one, I tentatively announce the First Ever Seattle SouvlakiMunch !!! ("Munch" is (tm) someone, I'm sure) Where: Costas Greek Restaurant 4559 University Avenue (corner of 46th and University) Seattle, University District Reservation space in the rear of the restaurant. When: Wednesday, September 22 (First day of Autumn) 7:00 PM -- Whenever. What: A Munch, of course!
***********
Footnote 4
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bestiality/

browse_thread/thread/bab3e6c5f7b8c367/ec41876d8d5e3ad8?

q=&rnum=38#ec41876d8d5e3ad8

From: STella - view profile
Date: Wed, Sep 15 1993 6:05 am
Email: STe...@thelema.uucp (STella)
Groups: alt.sex.bondage, alt.sex.bestiality
In article <275uip$...@nwfocus.wa.com> e...@halcyon.com (Elf Sternberg) writes:
.........
> I tentatively announce the
> First Ever Seattle SouvlakiMunch !!!
> ("Munch" is (tm) someone, I'm sure)
I have never bothered trademarking it, except in the usenet Nice-guy(tm) sense. It's one of mine, but I won't flame you for using it to describe any get-together that is completely open to newbies, lurkers, and other such. A lunch or dinner that one has to RSVP to, to get on the list, and be informed of where and when, is not a "munch", as I've been using it and encouraging its use, but Oh well, if you don't follow MY rulez, I'll take away your petunia! So there!
.................
STella%thelema.u...@decwrl.dec.com STe...@netcom.com
1016 E. El Camino Real, #302, Sunnyvale, CA 94087
Where I am is Here, Where I live is Now. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

==========
*FOOTNOTE 5
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage/

browse_thread/thread/297a0150f30de91/3b6a2324513346c3?

q=&rnum=83#3b6a2324513346c3

From: STella - view profile
Date: Tues, Jun 8 1993 7:30 pm
Email: STe...@thelema.uucp (STella)
Groups: alt.sex.bondage
In article wi.7...@n7kbt.rain.com writes:
>for committed couples ( or places where we can meet such ) in the San Jose
>to San Francisco area. We are not looking for partners to swap with, rather,
>we are looking for people with common interests so we don't seem so damned
>alone. We don't have any hangups about non-hetrosexual life styles. We are
>just looking to meet people committed to each other, while embracing the
>leather persuassion.

Not all people who come to BurgerMunches are committed couples, but I can think of more than a few such. And even if you're mostly looking for other couples, you might occasionally find something of value in words from the non-partnered BurgerMunchers. So give it a try, if you want, and see how you like it.

BurgerMunches occur each Thursday evening, starting about 6pm, at Kirk's Steakburgers, 361 California Avenue, in Palo Alto. We meet in the outside seating area, and I'm the one wearing denim and a whip. Hope to see you soon! (And if you'd like to chat with me before meeting, either email me a phone number, or write from your own account (I don't give my phone number to anonymous strangers, for reasons I'm pretty sure you understand) for mine.)

STella%thelema.u...@decwrl.dec.com Don't blame me, I voted Libertarian!
1016 E. El Camino Real, #302, Sunnyvale, CA 94087

*FOOTNOTE 6
First mention of "munch" in ASB:
Sep 20 1993, 9:08 pm
First mention of Rhode Island munch:
Oct 13 1993, 12:19 pm
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/search?q=munch&start=850&scoring=d&

First mention of Bugermunch in asb:
Apr 2 1993, 2:47
Ontario burgermunch:
Apr 8 1993, 1:43 pm
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage/search?

q=burgermunch&start=240&scoring=d&

*FOOTNOTE 7

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/8cfee4257b999279/bffb30a949dc252c?

q=burgermunch&rnum=214#bffb30a949dc252c

*FOOTNOTE 8

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage/

browse_thread/thread/f5ace8384387b6ad/9b13645d06b13981?

q=burgermunch&rnum=205#9b13645d06b13981

*FOOTNOTE 9

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

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q=burgermunch&rnum=172#f8b5be09e951c7f3
Partial:
From: M. Madeleine - view profile
Date: Sat, Oct 9 1993 6:56 am
Email: an29...@anon.penet.fi (M. Madeleine)
Groups: alt.sex.bondage
M. Madeleine here. Quite shaken.
I just had my world yanked out from under me.
I knew something was wrong a week ago. The train had a new schedule. The train that ran express to burgermunch didn't quite anymore.
At Burgermunch, there was talk of discontent from the owners. One of the managers came out and said the owners had asked her to chase us off, but she said she would try to go to bat for us. Nervous.
This week I did a strange thing. I bought a spare ticket to Palo Alto. After all, I go there every week. When I got to Kirk's I borrowed the key to the bathroom. The regular manager gave me a strange, spooky look when I smiled and nodded at her. I missed it and every other sign. For two hours we socialized, ate and played. Yeah, people were wacking each other. In plain view. Another sign. This time the cops didn't catch us mid-flog. But they did catch us. My heart sunk when I saw them. I knew it was over.

FOOTNOTE 10: The thread continues by M.Madeline and "Fluffy" as they bemoan the loss of the location. The first notes about the difference between policing ourselves and being too out are here, as they relate to the Bay Area scene.

FOOTNOTE 11
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/11430ab59ea229c6/9abf404d6b207cf0?

q=burgermunch&rnum=171#9abf404d6b207cf0
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_frm/thread/11430ab59ea229c6/d434df7167e579cf?

tvc=1&q=burgermunch+Madeleine#d434df7167e579cf

(M.Madelaine verifys he is NOT the owner of event).
The next BurgerMunch will be Thursday 6-ish at J. Bowden Park, the small park on North California Avenue and High St. in Palo Alto. This is just across the tracks and through the pedestrian underpass from the train station. Gather under the wooden structure thing about in the middle of the park. Lots of food available by walking through the underpass to California Avenue proper: sushi, Indian, burg^H^H^H^Hdim sum, vegetarian, books, copies, etc. Bathrooms: two blocks away at Printers Ink; be discreet. Several people noted a police car there last time. We asked, he knew nothing of us and could care less; he had just chosen a quiet spot to do paperwork. At this writing they seem to have No Problem with us using the park. How to get there, after we talk about rules.

Rule A. Have a good time.
Reason: Personal fiat
Penalty for violation: You have a lousy time.
Rule enforced by: You.

Rule B. Don't fuck it up for everyone else.
Reason: it's bad manners.
Penalty for violation: We lose this site forever.
Rule enforced by: probably, the Palo Alto P.D.

Info:
Some of our friends are allergic to heavy perfumes and aromatic stuff and will go to the hospital. We're sharing the park with locals and children. Two streets have houses facing the park. Some Burgermunchers are uncomfortable around public play. The park closes at 10:30pm. "

FOOTNOTE 12
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/604dbfd724817c92/32f39e628c8aa0f6?

q=burgermunch&rnum=149#32f39e628c8aa0f6

From: Stan Schwarz - view profile
Date: Thurs, Dec 16 1993 7:17 am
Email: sschw...@wixer.bga.com (Stan Schwarz)
Groups: alt.sex.bondage Gentle Reader reminds us about the next Austin 'munch. I'd just like to add a quick note to the lurkers out there to come down and join us. All the cool kids are doing it... ;-) Also, I want to say a thank-you to STella and all the others who were at the Bay Area Burgermunch last Thursday. I had a fun time hanging out with y'all ^H^H^H^H^H you all. If any of you are ever here in Texas, be sure to mail us and come visit.
Stan
sschw...@wixer.bga.com

FOOTNOTE 13:
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/5b3013169ce89f21/59713bf0b33c0f26?

q=burgermunch&rnum=116#59713bf0b33c0f26

Sat, Jan 29 1994 2:01 pm
Email: an46...@anon.penet.fi
Groups: alt.sex.bondage Once again, there will be a South of the Bay Lunch in Sunnyvale, California on Monday. We meet in the food court on the second floor of the Sunnyvale Town Centre about noon to 12:15. We mark our table with a helium balloon, a red one if possible. We are there until about 1:15 to 1:30. There is also a 12:30 lunch on Tuesdays at the Dutch Goose. And BurgerMunch is in Palo Alto in the front restaurant at Antonio's Nut House.

AND:
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/b849c3dc36be48d3/ef3bbf9752280050?

q=burgermunch&rnum=108#ef3bbf9752280050

From: M. Madeleine - view profile
Date: Wed, Feb 16 1994 9:16 am
Email: an29...@anon.penet.fi (M. Madeleine)
Groups: alt.sex.bondage ........ Do you know about BurgerMunch? It's an informal gathering of a.s.b-folk in Palo Alto, California. We meet Thursdays at 7:00pm at Antonio's Nut House, on California Avenue in Palo Alto.

Now, being as this message looks just a bit like a personal, and that starts withn "P" and that rhymes with "C" and that spells "clueless", I thought I'd pass on something that I read, back a year and a half ago when I started reading a.s.b. It went something like this...

Munch is not a play party. It's not a dating service. It's not a singles bar. It is a place where friends who have a.s.b. in common, gather to munch burgers and talk about lots of things.
All in all, it's a pretty good group. They're my friends.
M. Madeline

**
Earliest ref on A.S.B. that I can find that establishes burgermunch at San Antonios. http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/cfb2041e15827fc0/99af2bfbeeb31a35?

q=burgermunch+Madeleine&rnum=13#99af2bfbeeb31a35

M. Madeleine here, taking note of a Munch coming
together in an old Stomping Ground...

Johnny Bomber writes,
>Well, here we go, jumping on the Burgurmunch express.
>I'm trying to get one organized for the SE Michigan area.

Glad to hear it! Kind of ironic, though... STella once told me that Munch would've started there, had she not moved to the Bay Area... If you're interested in attending one, or helping organize or whatever, send me some email and let me know...and please don't send it from an anon.penet.fi address...

>Oh definitely... we wouldn't want any of those ANONYMOUS posters showing up at Burgermunch... or GOSH, Heaven Forbid an Anony-un-person should actually ORGANIZE one!

And anony-mice shouldn't announce them either, ohno! By the way, Palo Alto Burgermunch is every Thursday at 7:00pm at Antonio's Nut House on California Avenue. The last three have been great, and the management is very happy to have us. (even lets us stay late!)

******

FOOTNOTE 14
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/7f49d6974aba3a06/e2d54ec8950f6e47?

q=burgermunch&rnum=72#e2d54ec8950f6e4

From: STella - view profile
Date: Mon, Apr 25 1994 5:54 am
Email: STe...@thelema.QueerNet.ORG
Groups: alt.sex.bondage
........
BurgerMunches, as I see it, ended. The folks now doing a Thursday get-together ban playing, and chose a place where smokers must go away from non-smokers. If I'd done anything to make BurgerMunch a legal trademark, what's now happening at Antonio's Nut House would NOT be a BurgerMunch. But still, one can find people who read asb at the restaurant on the corner of the block Kirk's was in. One can occasionally find me out in the front, but more often, if I'm there, back in the smoker's ghetto playing pinball.
......
STe...@thelema.queernet.org STe...@netcom.com STe...@xanadu.com
1030 E. El Camino Real, #302, Sunnyvale, CA, 94087
If I get in my own way, we will take a step aside, all our parts will touch me and we will go on, for everything within me is sacred.

FOOTNOTE 15
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/48eab68d6714e9c8/52fa270cb9afa8da?

q=burgermunch&rnum=56#52fa270cb9afa8d

a
Still being referred to as Burger munch by May 28th, 1994.
Misinformation on FAQ at: http://groups.google.com/group/news.answers

/browse_thread/thread/12d3642e174d63fb/320d29aeeec66751?

q=burgermunch&rnum=33#320d29aeeec66751

FOOTNOTE 16
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/d1dbac42947ae578/e59e751520e072a1?

q=burgermunch&rnum=45#e59e751520e072a1

FOOTNOTE 17
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/25f3c2e3355eba09/3b4f4b411903bb28?

q=burgermunch&rnum=35#3b4f4b411903bb28

M.Madeline's outline of proper munch location, best thoughts on how to hold one.

FOOTNOTE 18
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/6dd5dc7507cbce8f/df4a700d43ebbf09?

q=burgermunch&rnum=31#df4a700d43ebbf09

Regular asb postings were still appearing as late as Sat, Nov 26 1994.
http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/1fbc4356a943dafd/dbd91befc38776fa?

q=burgermunch&rnum=28#dbd91befc38776fa

December 1994.

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/3e44cc2577c5fdd5/8023d6ce2e573387?

q=burgermunch&rnum=26#8023d6ce2e573387

January 5, 1995 M.Madeline is no longer posting the event, Nadja is.

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/dae1b3a0ba3b55a6/47428a28bfc15969?

q=burgermunch&rnum=16#47428a28bfc15969

March 27th, 1995 first asb post of the link between events.

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.bondage

/browse_thread/thread/26f1a9760f3c22ee/d2dd11a3dee8663d?

q=burgermunch&rnum=11#d2dd11a3dee8663d

August 25th, 1995- Stella still attending munch, first mention of both original Thursday munch AND Wednesday night "Stanford Students" original munch after it had moved and was morphing from students to BDSM'ers of all ages. First mention of Vicki as hostess.

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.spanking

/browse_thread/thread/4f5bd266d477351a/ad3dc287ad2d41bd?

q=burgermunch&rnum=5#ad3dc287ad2d41bd

Searcher posts of the 2 munches and some history Dec. 2, 1996-- ASB lists no longer viable for general discussion (spamming), discussion list has moved off ASB. She formalizes "rules list".

http://groups.google.com/group/alt.sex.spanking

/browse_thread/thread/4f5bd266d477351a/ad3dc287ad2d41bd?

q=burgermunch&rnum=5#ad3dc287ad2d41bd

Feb 2, 1997. This is the last posting on the original board.

2003-07-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

#3 How To Host a Munch
Essay on a Lie of P.E.

October 22, 2002
by shadow

TERMINOLOGY
Because of STella and the renown of the public meeting as a “Munch”, the term has become associated with a food related public available event.
There is no One True Way to run a Munch, and people are free to run their Munches as they see fit. There is, however, a great need for clarity and consistency when the BDSM community interfaces with the vanilla community, and with our outreach efforts to the kinky people out there seeking to become members of “the scene”.
For that reason alone, the use of the term “Munch” should be exclusively for gatherings that are open -but not necessarily limited to- new people that want to find community and do not necessarily know anyone in the scene. By keeping the term “Munch” to that context, anyone anywhere in the world can pull up a search engine on a computer, type in “Munch” and find a meeting place of like minded pervs to help them along their own path.
Co-opting the term for other uses (private parties by invite only, meetings at locked facilities, including play at the event, etc.) makes the ability to outreach difficult and creates confusion for people seeking Munches in their own neighborhood, as well as for scene members who want to connect up with like minded pervs while out of town.

WHY WOULD NEWBIES WANNA COME TO A MUNCH?
Munches are frequently the first contact with “warm bodies, real people” for kinky people finding their sexuality. Some folks come after living out their fantasies only through fictional novels (you will get to know who they are fairly easily), while most will arrive having spent some time finding out what they are on line (known as VR- Virtual Reality). They are seeking the “next step”, making contact with others like them. Like you. Some newbies are also long time computer players and are seeking to verify the players they have met on line.
Munches are wonderful places for people to check the references of folks in the community and see that those who “claim” experience really have it. Many established BDSM communities also like their munch to be their “vetting” system. This is the first place anyone new to the community MUST come before they can attend any other BDSM related event.
The Munch system gives the community a place to “look over potential new members, get a chance to know them personally rather than as just as on line personalities, and decide if they like them enough to invite them to something more intimate/personal. Many dungeons will NOT allow anyone to come in off the street without having been cleared through the local “scene” Munch, even though they advertise the Dungeon in national magazines. It is another tool to protect the privacy and anonymity of the players inside.
LOCATION & FREQUENCY
Munches should, whenever possible, be held in public accessible places. Restaurants are great, for they provide safe, well lighted, comfortable venues for new people to safely explore meeting those in the scene. Coffee shop style sites are idea, for they remove any financial barriers that might make attendance difficult. Most everyone can afford a cup of coffee or a scoop of ice cream to enjoy while getting to know others.
Coffee shops are also perfect places for the deniability factor. MANY of the people in scene and out want some level of confidentiality. Maybe they have a high profile job to protect, maybe they have small children, or have other public issues. The reasons are varied- and they don’t matter. We respect each individuals right to control their level of exposure just as we respect their right to control their bodies or their property.
For whatever reason, using a public space that seems “innocent” gives those coming to a Munch the deniability clause. Everyone can claim- successfully- that they were not at a BDSM event- they were in a public coffee shop. The best possible restaurants are those with closed meeting rooms out of the way of the main dining hall. Especially for the larger Munches (several of which i know currently run over 30 people at a time), having that space helps lower the public profile of the group. 2 or 3 like minded folks sitting quietly at a corner table at a Denny’s works fine, but once you have a regular group of 12 or more, it helps to have some separate space. Large crowds draw attention from the vanilla folk, and that cuts down on deniability and might bring the wrong attention.
Large crowds also make more noise and tend to be a bit more “rowdy” and loose. That impinges on the other patrons of the establishment- and is non-consentual inclusion of the public. Having a private, separate banquet or dining room for your event also means that scene folks can feel more comfortable being “themselves”, they can socialize with others in their lifestyle roles rather than maintaining vanilla facades, and they can frequently do some discreet ‘sharing’ or show and tell about new toys or scars & piercings. It is hard to control that kind of interaction once it is admissable, so do try to keep it to a minimum.
Noise levels are not nearly as critical to privacy issues, and language can be slightly less restricted. Do remember, however, that this is STILL a public venue, and the staff should NOT be exposed to WIITWD without their consent. Many Munches that have discussed the groups focus with the restaurant in advance, kept their members discreet, paid their bills with nice tips, and left the rooms clean have been not only welcomed back, but been given unusual leeway by those locals. Restaurants that are treated with respect can become so comfortable with BDSM folks that all drinks are gratis, staff are assigned exclusively to serve and clean up, or even allow fetish wear and give discounts to the BDSM regulars.
Having a regular meeting place is also vital for public postings and word of mouth. Many Munch notices may end up posted on servers and bulletin boards far away from the control of the host. If your Munch is held every Wednesday at XYZ Diner, people will expect that indefinitely. Your postings about a Munch will travel all over the net, and many will be permanently added to announcement lists you have no control over.Regular attendees will depend on you being there- come rain or shine- and quit checking for location or time changes.
A Munch needs a permanent place and a regular time just as much as your local Police department needs a dependable phone number. Munches can frequently become the life line and the backbone of a BDSM community. Frequency of Munches varies from place to place. Some are as often as every week, others only once a month, depending on the area and the attendance numbers. You might want to start out with a once a month Munch and then add dates as the attendance grows and folks show a preference for when it’s most convenient for them to come.
NAMING AND MARKING THE BEASTIE
You will need a name for your group- hopefully something less colorful than “The local adult sex gang’. You need this for 2 reasons- One, to have something to call it when you write e-mail announcements, and Two, so that new folks entering the restaurant can ASK for the group without fear of standing around looking for the kinky people.
Pick something that can be spoken without blushing. Something that can be announced over the loudspeaker if need be. Something innocuous. “The Computer Club” has worked for years in every city i have ever been in. “The Monday Club” is another nice one ( of course, use the day of the week you actually meet to avoid confusion). The Munch bunch is nice, and doesn’t out anything, but *might* be so normal sounding that outsiders could be confused.
Some groups also mark their tables at small restaurants so that you can see them from the door. A simple piece of plain rope by the “reserved” sign works beautifully. A glove, or even a leather rose. i once attended a vanilla event on a crowded public beach- the ladies hosting the event marked our picnic spot with black and blue balloons. It was a wonderful “in” joke.
Remind people that are new that YOUR name may not be your real one either- and that they can create whatever pseudonym they choose to use in the scene. Names are more often than not entirely fictional.

WHO CAN I EXPECT TO ATTEND?
It varies all the time. Ages can range from from 18 On up- we have a wonderful lifestyle and people of all ages love to gather in together. All genders, sexual orientations, and BDSM preferences will eventually show up, and should be given equal respect and the same warm greeting. Try to make contact with new faces as soon as you notice them. A warm handshake and a personal introduction around to one or two of the regulars is always nice.
“Your kink is not as good as my kink” should NEVER be the first rule of a good hostess, although the occasional odd person looking for illegal connections (child molesters, etc.) should be asked to leave immediately.
SO WHAT WILL WE DO?
Some Munches are just chat- folks talk about whatever they feel comfortable with in small groups, or all at one table. Larger Munches usually take on the “eat and meet” system, letting people arrive, get food or drinks, eat, and then have an informal “meeting” at a preset time later in the evening. The meeting can be as simple as each person introducing themselves with their on line name/e-mail address or what they “think” they identify as (Dom, bottom, switch, submissive, crazy), or as detailed as how long they have been in scene and what other scene related work they do (do they own a Dungeon? Are they a toy maker? A ProDom/me?).
Folks will want to know if they need to be “experienced” or have some kind of “role”. Let all your guests know that everyone is invited, at whatever level of experience or type of play. If you get contacted by a nervous newbie, offer to sit them next to you and hold their hand till they get warmed up to the room.
Try to keep the “introductions” short (less than 1/2 hour total) and low key (quiet enough so that no one else in the restaurant outside of your group can hear you). Some people come to Munches to “meet the meat” and use the place as their own trolling grounds. Other people find that they can ONLY meet new play partners comfortably at Munches, as the dungeon or other BDSM events seem too “pushy”. Remember, this IS a social gathering, and a wonderful place for folks to get to know each other.
This is the gateway for many new to the scene to see that the players are not all dressed in tear away leathers and the women don’t have 8” stiletto heels on all the time. You can set the tone- and the rules- as you see fit. i personally suggest that while casual dating and first meetings at Munches are wonderful, do not let the occasional trolling Dom/me turn the event into his or her private fishing hole and cruise every newbie as they come in the door. It is uncomfortable enough for new people to go to an adult event, and their first few times should be as pressure free as possible. So You’ve got the Place and the Day....

GETTING THE WORD OUT- PART ONE: WHERE TO GO
Be it called BDSM, WIITWD (What it is that we do), or “the scene”, the kink community has more venues today for information than ever before. You no longer have to sneak into your local adult book store and post a 3x5 card on a bulletin board hoping that like minded people will see and remember your event.
The best starting point is always the nearest large BDSM organization’s web page. New York has TES, San Francisco has JANUS, Washington D.C. has Black Rose. Check the web sites of the largest BDSM organizations you can find on line- and e-mail your particulars to them. Check with the links below at the bottom of this page.
Include in your search the gay/leather/alternative lifestyle community organizations, If you can, visit your local Leather shop/ adult toy outlet and pick up the free publications and newspapers to contact as well. Most adult entertainment publications will include Munch announcements for free on their web sites/ in their monthly newsletters.
Start your OWN web page. Free web page hosting is everywhere now- AOL, Yahoo. and most larger servers offer free space for your page- and free help setting it up. Listing it for search engines to find as “BDSM, Munch, Your City Adult Events, D/s, Leather Events” and other possible combinations assures you of the widest audience possible to get the word out.
Your mail lists are another great place to put the word out. Write up a nice announcement, and post it- regularly- on whatever e-mail lists you are on. Even the nation wide lists will have people from your neck of the woods on them (usually lurking in the dark) that can benefit.
Some magnificent people in scene actually collect and redistribute all the Munch announcements they run across, so maybe your post to the Canadian Master/slave mail list will end up being distributed to the New Orleans fetish wear list, where it will be seen by your next door neighbor.... who loves to dress up as Lancelot during his submission scenes... and *he* wanted to meet someone local. You never know where things will end up on the net- or how you might contact others seeking community.
If you attend a local Dungeon, or have access to a Dungeon in a nearby city, contact the Dungeon Master about posting a notice in their lobby for like minded local folk to find you. Ask local costume stores, saddle & tack shops and even hardware stores to let you post a small notice about a “Munch”- vanilla customers will ignore the information, but the local kinky people will immediately know what you mean- and will hopefully attend.
GETTING THE WORD OUT:PART TWO WHAT TO PUT IN MY ANNOUNCEMENT
Use the word MUNCH in the title and the first line. Give the name of the group that people may ask for at the door if necessary. Give the regular day/date/ and time. Give a good address, Name the establishment, and give the phone number. Put in a nice set of written directions from the closest major freeway(s). Link to a web site for a map if you have access. Put in YOUR name (scene or real, your choice) so that people will know who is in charge, and add some kind of contact info for yourself (e-mail is safest, easy to use, and confidential). Then add any pertinent rules or information about the location as you choose.
GETTING THE WORD OUT: PART THREE RULES OF THE ROAD
Every Munch sets their own tone and their own style. Gorean events are NEVER hard to miss, and Het only Munches can be mistaken for PTA coffee meets. Make sure that YOUR Munch is a credit to the community and not a detriment to your reputation as a class act.
Part of the success of long standing Munches is their reputation as a clean, polite groups that welcome strangers, keep their voices low, and act like adults. The way they have done that is with published rules that are fairly “common sense”, but enforced quickly, even handedly, and as politely as possible.
The rules should be included alone with all your announcements, right after your date/ time/ place and just before the directions to your Munch (that way no one can claim they “never read that far” yet they found the place!). One rule is inviolate for most Munches- no one under 18 is allowed. Better to be safe than sorry, for the legality of even discussing WIITWD with minors is dangerous. Check the I.D. of anyone who seems even close to underage, and if they are, politely ask them to leave. If necessary, have the restaurant escort them out. No amount of outreach is worth facing charges of “contributing to the delinquency of a minor”.
After searching hundreds of Munch announcements, a brief listing of what is (and is not) acceptable behaviors to guide the newbies and remind the old hands are listed below. They have been taken with minor changes from Munch announcements for all sorts of locations. Not all of them will pertain to your venue- a private back room in a restaurant that serves liquor will allow more lose talk than a small diner with 6 benches on the Interstate. Use common sense, and adjust the rules as your group grows and changes.
Most of the items are needed every time, in every Munch announcement, to let new folks know what to expect. The following should give you all the examples you might need to host the Munch of your communitys dreams. Good luck.
~~~~~~~~
THIS IS NOT A PLAY PARTY. It's a get-together for folks who share a common interest in BDSM . . .(our common bond..) If you're shy or unsure of yourself, this is the perfect place to be... everyone is friendly and non- judgmental. Give us a try.
~~~~~~~~ You're welcome to stop by and join us. Munches are a great way to meet other people involved in the BDSM scene, ask questions, and share experiences. This is a casual, friendly and non-threatening social environment. ~~~~~~~~~ We're lucky to have a private room at the back of the restaurant. Dress in what feels good to you, but keep it vanilla (covered up as necessary) until you're behind our door. ~~~~~~~ The restaurant has a full menu at reasonable prices. Please try to get to the munch in time to order your food so they will have it to you before 7:30 to make things go smoother. Calendars are passed out then and it is really disruptive if the food is still being delivered. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yes it is MUNCHTIME!!! XXXXX Munch.....TAH DAH! The munch will be held XXXday, theXXth from 7-10 pm, atXXXX, XXX N X Street (behind the cockfight ring). ~~~~~~~~~~~~ We love meeting the new people! If for some reason we don't talk to you, come talk to us, we don't bite....ok it is negotiable. Or just sit on the side for a while and get comfortable. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We will have calendars of local events for the next 2 months that you may be interested in attending. Please do NOT leave any of them in the restaurant. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Those who come to the munch get to know about upcoming events before anyone else in the community. Munch attendees will get to sign up right away for those events that fill up fast. ~~~~~~~~~~~ Dress as you wish, within reason. Please bring cash (+15% for tax/tip). No playing. The restaurant folks are scene friendly. ~~~~~~~~~Please dress conservatively and act appropriately in this public meeting place. Confidentiality rules apply. ~~~~~~~~~~~ This is *NOT* a play party, and we are not meeting at the Exotic/Erotic Ball, so please do not wear fetish clothes, demonstrate your toys, punish your partner or demonstrate other behavior that will call inappropriate attention to our group. We want this to as safe an environment as possible for new people interested in WIITWD. ~~~~~~~~ If you're new to the Scene, or just slightly curious about BDSM, a munch in a public place is a safe, non-threatening way to check out some like-minded people. You can watch us from a distance and not even introduce yourself, if you like. ~~~~~~~There is no play at this munch. Occasionally, someone brings a toy or something small to show off discreetly, but that's as far as it goes. Respect the other patrons. ~~~~~ Please keep the fetish-wear to a minimum, and use a cover-up when entering and exiting our meeting place (this includes collars, cuffs, leashes, etc). ~~~~~~~~ Nudity: NONE, so please do not even think about it. Do not push limits. ~~~~~No Scenes, or S/M Play allow, but light D/s is always fun and in fashion. Please respect the Non-D/s patrons of this establishment with your actions and words. ~~~~~~~~ No recording devises, cameras, or videos of any type allowed. ~~~~~~~ Everyone in attendance is responsible for placing their own orders and handling their own tabs. ~~~~~~~~ Toys, heavy play, and sexy clothing are not a good idea. This diner is popular with the cops. ~~~~~~~~~~~

ANY LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE LIFT OFF
Well, that’s the basics of How to Host a Munch. Being in charge of an alternative lifestyle community gathering point can be exhilarating, but it is also a responsibility to be taken seriously. Make your Munch regular. Never forget to attend. Be patient. Never forget that some post you put out 12 months ago for your weekly gathering could, easily, be hanging on a wall in someones bedroom while they gather their courage to get in their car and attend it. That was my experience. Thank heavens, the Munch i waited for was- and still is- hosted by a true pillar of the community, the wonderful Miss Vicki. It is the direct descendant of STella’s first Burgermunch, which was still held on the same street, every Thursday night at 8 pm, come rain or come shine when i wrote this. And the best parts of gracious hostessing, i learned from her. My personal hugs are hers forever. ~~~~
copyright 10-22-02 by shadow, all rights reserved. i999shadow@aol.com This document may be reposted and reprinted only in it’s entirety including copyright and author contact **WITH PERMISSION from the AUTHOR**. Failure to abide by the laws of common decency will result in inhuman revenge. Ask around. i can do that. It will be painful.